Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 17 NFL Spread Picks

Well we've made it to the final week of the regular season.  The Shark won more than he lost, so we're all winners.  Now let's just hope there isn't a lockout next year.  That would make the Shark angry.  You wouldn't like him when he's angry. 

In reality, there'll probably be a couple more weeks of games next year once the NFL gets their way and forces an 18 game schedule.  You just know Vegas is working up a nice stiffy at the thought of taking even more of the public's money.  But don't you worry, your friendly neighborhood Shark will be back to guide you through it.

Without further ado, we go to the shark tank one more time in 2010.

CHIEFS (-3.5) over Raiders
Well whaddaya know? I picked the Chiefs game incorrectly last week. Whether I go with them, or against them, I can't win. /shakes fist at Dan Saleaumua

Dolphins (+4) over PATRIOTS
This one is simple. If the Patriots sit their players in the second half, I think Miami will cover. If Bill Belicheck wants to be a cock and keep his starters on the field for 60 minutes, then this line is like 10 points too low.

BROWNS (+6) over Steelers
I'm going to level with you. I don't really have a reason for making this pick. This is a pure gut feeling. Or maybe I just have to shit. One or the other.

Bengals (+9.5) over RAVENS
For some reason the Bengals have had the Raven's number over the last few years. 9.5 is a lot of points to give away to a division opponent who knows the ins and outs of your team. Plus, Carson Palmer doesn't have to keep two dipshit diva receivers happy now that T.O. is out and Ochocinco is banged up.

LIONS (-3.5) over Vikings
Nowhere to go but down for the Vikings as they come off their Tuesday night upset of the Eagles. When Minnesota takes on the Lions, the Vikings will have only had 4 full days to rest and prepare. That's a HUGE advantage for the Lions who even get the luxury of not traveling this week.

JETS (-1) over Bills
Expect to see lots of Mark Brunell in this game. And no, that's not a sentence for 2001. Honestly, I have no insight on this game. You should probably just stay away and waste your money on a different, less shitty game.

Panthers (-14.5) over FALCONS
I've said this before, but the Falcons are not a team built to blow opponents out. Are the Panthers a bad football team? GOD YES. But I think a lot of the Panther's players will put a little more effort into this game. On a bad team, a lot of the guys are still playing for a job next year. The Falcons will win, but not by more than two touchdowns.

Buccaneers (+7.5) over SAINTS
I think this will be a good game. I wouldn't be surprised if this one ended on a last second game-winning field goal. The Bucs have a lot to play for, and Josh Freeman is a hot little potato right now.

Titans (+10) over COLTS
Call me a dickface, but I'll go with the Titans again after they screwed me last week. The Colts are an average team at best. They're nothing like the 13-3 teams they've had for the last few years. I just can't see betting money on a double-digit favorite who can't run the ball or play defense.

TEXANS (-3) over Jaguars
Trent Edwards is starting and Maurice Jones-Drew will either be out or limited. That's all you need to know. I think the Texans win this one easily.

Giants (-4) over REDSKINS
Holy shit, did the Eagles mind-fuck the Giants or what? Their mental lapses carried over to last week as they got hammered by the Packers. Now, the Giants aren't as bad as they looked last Sunday so I'm going to roll with them here. I kind of wish this line wasn't more than 3, but what can you do. The Redskins ARE a bad team. Remember that.

PACKERS (-10) over BEARS
Here's my guess - the Bears need both the Saints and Falcons to lose Sunday to make this game meaningful for home field throughout the playoffs. I seriously doubt both of those things will happen. With nothing to play for, who knows how much the Bears will try, or how long their starters will remain in the game.

EAGLES ( - whatever ) over Cowboys
This game still doesn't have a line.  But since I'm a homer, we'll go all-in blind on this one.  This should come down to quarterback play, and Kevin Kolb could easily start on half of the teams in the league.  Jon Kitna might not even play in this game, so I'll take KK over a third stringer any day.

Cardinals (+6) over 49ERS
A team that just lost their head coach, flips flops QB's every week, and generally has underperformed all season, should not be giving 6 points to anybody. Simple as that.

Chargers (-3.5) over BRONCOS
Bottom line: the Chargers are by far the more talented team. They really should have no problem covering this spread against Denver. Tim Tebow can only do so much.

Rams (-3) over SEAHAWKS
And here's the saddest game on the card. Can you believe this is for a playoff spot? Turribe. Juss turrible. Anyway, the Rams are the better team and the Seahawks are starting Charlie Whitehurst. So yeah, he sucks. Go with the Rams.

Arrivederci,

The Shark

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 16 NFL Spread Picks

We’ve made it to Week 16. It’s just a few days before Christmas and your Fantasy Championship Game. If you’re like me, you failed in every league but one. For my sake, I better win. My fantasy basketball team may be the worst squad ever assembled, and baseball is a long ways off.

All in all, these picks have been pretty successful all year. Hopefully you’ve followed along and made some extra Christmas money. If you didn’t… well then you’re a dickhole and I hope you enjoy whoring yourself out for some extra scratch to give your kids a good Christmas. Wrapping handfuls of Skittles and a bar of soap isn’t gonna cut it, my friend.

For those of you who spent all of our winnings on Christmas gifts – let’s try and win some of it back, shall we?


STEELERS (-14) over Panthers
The Panthers have been butt all year and Jimmy Clausen sucks. I can’t see them traveling on a short week, with absolutely nothing to play for, and putting up a fight. Hopefully I’m wrong, because I need Jonathan Stewart to go bananas in this game – my fantasy championship depends on it.

CARDINALS (+7) over Cowboys
Too many points for the Cowboys to lay here. John Skelton has been surprisingly mediocre. Granted, he’s completing less than 50% of his passes, but his receivers have dropped a ton of balls the last two weeks. More importantly, though, he only has one turnover this year. He’s playing smart football and now gets one of the worst pass defenses in the league.

Lions (+3.5) over DOLPHINS
Here are things I know: Miami sucks at home, they have a terrible record as a favorite of more than 3, and the Lions have made it their job to be pesky and hang around in games.

Redskins (+7) over JAGUARS
The Jaguars never seem to blow teams out. Their team just isn’t built that way. Seven points is a lot to give (even if it is the Redskins). I have a sneaking feeling the Skins will match up well against Jacksonville, and be in this game till the end.

49ers (+2) over RAMS
This will be a pretty close game. The 49ers have played a little better over the course of the last few weeks, while the Rams haven’t shown me much. Take the points and the team that’s had a few extra days to rest and prepare.

BILLS (+9) over Patriots
I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little scared going against the Pats here. The Bills haven’t beat the New England since Chingy was tearin’ up the charts with that lyrical masterpiece, ‘Right Thurr’. Seriously, it was 2003 the last time the Bills got a win in this series. But I’m thinking the Patriots might not give it their all in this game. It might as well be another preseason game for them. They’ve all but locked everything up for the playoffs. The Bills will certainly lose, but maybe a 30-23 backdoor cover is in order.

BEARS (-1) over Jets
Rex Ryan loves feet, National Geographic nipples, and watching his wife get plowed. He’s no less loveable in my book, but this is a pretty big distraction for the Jets. That big lug’s love of tootsies might’ve just sunk the Jets season. I wouldn’t bet on this game though - ESPN has an article titled, “Jay Cutler Won’t Avoid Darrell Revis”. Lots of opportunity for epic Jay Cutler picks!

Ravens (-3.5) over BROWNS
I’m pretty sure the Browns have given up this year, so Baltimore should continue their winning ways in the series. To beat the Browns, all you really have to do is stop Peyton Hillis. If they do that, the Ravens will win by 10.

Titans (+5) over CHIEFS
I shouldn’t even give an analysis on this game. We all know I’m getting it wrong. For some reason, I’m God awful at picking Chiefs games against the spread. Let’s more right along to the next matchup.

Colts (-3) over RAIDERS
This is probably a sucker bet, but you have to take Peyton Manning when he’s only giving 3. I mean it’s the Raiders. In what world does Pey-Pey not shit all over Al Davis’ corpse? Not the world we live in.

Texans (-2.5) over BRONCOS
Both of these teams suck. Don’t waste your time betting this game. If I had to choose, I’d go with the team that has more talent. It’s just a matter if they’ll actually care enough to use it.

Chargers (-8.5) over BENGALS
What an utter disappointment this Bengals team is. They’ve been forced to deal with a ton of injuries and a ton of bad coaching. This team is in shambles and is ready to clean-house. The Chargers should win in blowout fashion.

BUCCANEERS (-6) over Seahawks
I like the Bucs quite a bit here at home against Seattle. Do I have any statistical evidence to back that sentiment up? No. But trust me, I have a good feeling.

Giants (+3) over PACKERS
I really like the Giants to rebound this week and come out of Green Bay with a win. It was heartbreaking and humiliating to lose the way they did against the Eagles. Some teams would crumble and their season would essentially be over. I don’t get that feeling with the Giants. New York is a good team and had been playing very well. A loss like last week should bring the team together where each guy is giving 100% this week. Plus, the Giants lead the league in knocking out starting quarterbacks. Don’t think they won’t be gunning for Aaron Rodgers oft-shattered dome-piece.

EAGLES (-14) over Vikings
Fourteen points is a lot, but the Vikings are pushovers. The Viking locker room is mess. Adrian Peterson is hurting. The defense is a shell of what we’d become accustomed to seeing over the last few years. It’s a sad day when the question of starting Brett Favre or Joe Webb won’t even matter in the outcome of a game.

Saints (+3) over FALCONS
Look, I know Matt Ryan doesn’t lose at home and I know the Falcons are on a roll right now. I just think New Orleans wins this outright. The Saints have kind of flown under the radar lately and are a team I wouldn’t want to face come playoff time. This is a divisional game where both of these teams know each other very well. I think the Saints might finally be healthy enough to take on the Falcons and let everyone know they’re still the champs.



Happy Holidays!

The Shark

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 15 NFL Spread Picks - NAZI EDITION!!!

This was a busy week for the Shark.  Between a long week at a job that actually pays me real dollars, waiting till the last minute to do Christmas shopping, and my well document laziness, you're getting an ultra abridged version of DDBY.  I'll try to do better for you next week and not wait till an hour before kickoff to do this post. No promises.  I'm also a documented liar.

Alright, no time to waste - on to the picks!

You Really Didn't Think The Niners Could Hang, Did You?
CHARGERS (-9) over 49ers

Your Super Duper Winning Parlay of the Week
Eagles (+3) over GIANTS
Saints (+1) over RAVENS
Texans (+1) over TITANS
BENGALS (PK) over Browns

Stay With Hot Teams in a Playoff Push
Jaguars (+4.5) over COLTS
Falcons (-7) over SEAHAWKS

Call Me Crazy - These Teams Will Win Outright
Jets (+4) over STEELERS
Cardinals (+3) over PANTHERS
Lions (+4) over BUCCANEERS

It's Christmas Time and God Won't Let His Son Lose
Broncos (+8) over RAIDERS

The Games I'm Too Lazy To Come Up With a Fancy Category For
RAMS (-3) over Chiefs
DOLPHINS (-5.5) over Bills

Bet Against Teams Starting New Quarterbacks
COWBOYS (-9) over Redskins
Bears (-9) over VIKINGS

If You Had Aaron Rodgers, I Feel Sorry For Your Fantasy Football Playoff Team
PATRIOTS (-14.5) over Packers
 
Love always and forever,
 



Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 14 NFL Spread Picks

It's amazing how many ridiculous shark related pictures one can find by performing a simple Google Image search.  It's quite fascinating.  I'm not totally sure what's going on in this photo, but it appears this gentleman is part of some sort of parade.  Granted, a shitty parade with only 15 people in attendance, but a parade nonetheless.  The real question is what this guy is celebrating?  I'm at a loss.  There aren't many clues besides Bicycle Shark Man, 'The Stock Man', and an '85 Sheepdog fast approaching.  He's got the Mardi Gras beads, so maybe this guy is entranced by some ladies big jugs.  At least that would explain why he's not able to straight in line with the rest of the parade.

Another week, another winning record.  Last weekend the Shark went 9-7, bringing the yearly total to 103-83-6.  Now let's make you some extra Christmas cash, shall we?

Colts (-4) over TITANS
Talk about your all-time backdoor covers. Sheesh. Hopefully you ignored our Twitter last night. Can't say I didn't at least warn you before I picked the Colts.

Packers (-7) over LIONS
All of the trends point to the Packers winning this one: 19-7-1 ATS versus teams with losing records, 12-5 ATS in their last 17 vs NFC North, 23-11-1 ATS in their last 35 road games, and 7-2 ATS in their last 9 meetings with Detroit. Having said all that, I really wish this spread was either 6 or 6.5. The 7 scares me a little, so just be careful.

Raiders (+4.5) over JAGUARS
Let me say this up front - I just typed the line above 15 seconds ago and I'm already not a fan of this pick. The Raiders have been so up and down week to week, that it's just too difficult to predict if they'll feel like putting up a fight. The Jaguars have covered in their last 5 games, so you have to give them props. But continuing that trend is too hard to maintain. After a while, the books get honed in, get a good read, and end up making a lot of the money back on a team the public is riding on a hot streak.

Bengals (+9) over STEELERS
Well this pick pains me. As you know by now, I LOATHE the Bengals. I just think 9 points are too many to give a division rival. The last three meetings have been decided by a TOTAL of 14 points. Vegas pumped up this line a little bit. The Steelers are already a popular team the public bets on each week. The oddsmakers feel that since the Steelers are at home and playing a team that has disappointed all year, they can squeeze a couple extra points out of the public. Don't fall for it fella.

PANTHERS (+7.5) over Falcons
The public is pounding the Falcons this week. Nobody trusts the Panthers, and Atlanta is 10-2 and playing well. But I just have a feeling the Falcons will let their guard down a little for this game, and it'll be closer than expected. The home team has historically done well in this series and only 3 of Atlanta's 10 wins have been by more than 7 points. They just don't win games by large margins.

BILLS (-1) over Browns
If Colt McCoy were playing, the Browns would be favored and I'd probably be picking them. But alas, Jake Delhomme will get another start. And with that comes the consequence of another loss for Cleveland.

REDSKINS (+3) over Buccaneers
I like the Skins to win this one outright. Sure, they got manhandled last week and were completely embarrassed. But teams tend to bounce back the week after getting the shit kicked out them. Remember the Redskins the week after the Eagles whooped them 59-28? They came back and beat the Titans in a tough overtime game.

VIKINGS (+2.5) over Giants
It's amazing what a new coach will do for a floundering team. The Vikings are playing pretty well right now and have always been a tough team to face in the Metrodome.

Rams (+9) over SAINTS
Hard to go against the Rams these days. They've failed to cover only 3 times this year. Meanwhile, the Saints never seem to do well when they're a favorite laying more than two scores. If Bradford doesn't make mistakes (he's done a fantastic job of protecting the ball as a rookie so far), the Rams should easily keep this close enough to cover.

49ERS (-5.5) over Seahawks
I'm not suggesting you bet this game, but the line is telling me to go with the Niners. It's kind of hard to think the 49ers are almost 6 points better than the Seahawks in a week where they're switching around starting quarterbacks. But Seattle doesn't play well on the road and the 49ers need this game to keep their miniscule playoff hopes alive.

CHARGERS (-7) over Chiefs
Consider last week's disappointing loss a fluke. You're getting excellent value with this line. The Chiefs are without their starting QB, San Diego is a very strong home team, and the strength of the SD defense is in its ability to stop the run. I feel good about this one - the Chargers should be able to get back to their December winning ways.

Dolphins (+6) over JETS
This is going to go one of two ways: The Jets storm out with a vengeance, hungry to beat the Phins into the ground to forget about the embarrassment the Patriots bestowed upon them. OR - the Jets are mentally scarred from last week's game and don't believe in themselves as much as they did two weeks ago. Rex Ryan had this team believing THEY were the team to beat in the NFL. That was dandy til Belicheck decided to bitch-slap the thought out of their head. I'm going with the latter.

Broncos (-5.5) over CARDINALS
This Cardinals team is completely jacked up. They have a guy starting this week named John Skelton. He'd be a practice squad player on most teams (and I'm not even joking when I say that). The Broncos have fired their coach and maybe that'll get them excited to play football again. Either way, the Cardinals are a mess and can't be trusted.

BEARS (+3) over Patriots
I'm going with Chicago only because they play well at home and maybe the Pats will come out flat coming off last week's big win. But really, this isn't a game I'd bet.

Eagles (-3.5) over COWBOYS
This one scares me a little.  If the Eagles were -3, I'd feel better but that half point may end up being what gives Dallas the cover.  The Eagles could certainly blow out the Cowboys, but I think this game will be closer than we all hope.  Dallas has played very well after the firing of Wade Phillips and this team will be geared up to face their division rival at home in Primetime.  It may sound silly to say this, but this game may come down to who wins the opening coin toss.  If Dallas wins the toss, and is able to put some points on the board on the opening drive, I think it will go a long way for their confidence and overall tone of the game.  If Philly wins the toss, scores easily on a big play during the first drive (like they've made a habit of doing) it could be curtains for dem Cowboys.

TEXANS (+3) over Ravens
Another tough game to pick a side.  We'll go with the Texans for a few reasons:  they're back at home on Monday Night Football after playing 4 of their last 6 games on the road; the Ravens are still hurting from a very physical loss to the Steelers; and Houston has had 10 days off to rest and prepare for this game.

Enjoy the games everybody!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 13 NFL Spread Picks

What you see above is The Discovery Channel's transformation of their headquarters during Shark Week a few months ago. Shark Week is a joyous and important time for us lamniformes. It's our Hanukkah. We share stories, give gifts, watch Adam Sandler movies, and do all those other things Jewish people do. Anyway, I need find a way to procure a position within that building. Only then will I have an employer who fully understands a shark's need to blog from work.

So last week The Shark had another winning week by going 9-7. That brings the yearly total to 94-76-6. There's only 5 more weeks left in the regular season. If you're not following these picks by now, you're an asshole.

EAGLES (-8) over Texans
Because... our twitter said so, son!

VIKINGS (-6) over Bills
Because... the Vikings have a head coach they actually like and will run the ball all over a porous Bills run defense. It doesn't matter who's carrying the ball - if Peterson can't play, they'll have similar success turning loose Toby "White Power" Gerhart.

DOLPHINS (-4.5) over Browns
Because... Jake Delhomme plays quarterback like he owes some loan shark money.

Jaguars (+3) over TITANS

Because… you’re one re-tweaked calf away from Rusty Smith behind center again.

Broncos (+9) over CHIEFS
Because... It wouldn't be Dolla Dolla Bills Yall without me picking against the Chiefs.

Redskins (+7) over GIANTS
Because... the NFC East must become as muddled as possible.

Bears (-4.5) over LIONS
Because... Drew Stanton is starting for the Lions and he's a third string QB for a reason.

PACKERS (-10) over 49ers
Because... Brian Westbrook is already hurt and Clay Matthews has DNA spliced from several mythical creatures.

BENGALS (+7) over Saints
Because... if there's a team I trust as little as the Bengals, it's the Saints - they don't fare well ATS when facing teams with losing records and Carson Palmer is the best QB in the league when it comes to throwing backdoor-cover touchdown passes.

Raiders (+13) over CHARGERS
Because... regardless of which shitty quarterback starts for Oakland, that's a lot of fuckin' points to lay.

BUCCANEERS (+3) over Falcons
Because... this is a huge game deciding the winner of the NFC South and over the last few years, the home team has won the majority of these matchups. Plus, Atlanta kinda plays like butt outdoors.

Panthers (+6) over SEAHAWKS
Because... the Seahawks are banged up and the Panthers remembered how to run the football last week (Seattle's run defense is as bad as the Browns defense Carolina ran over last week).

COLTS (-5.5) over Cowboys
Because... Peyton Manning is like a baked-potato-hot - with anger - after losing two straight.

CARDINALS (+3.5) over Rams
Because... the Cardinals own the Rams (winners of the last 8 meetings between the two) and I think people are getting a little too high on the Rams. Good spot to reap the benefits.

Steelers (+3) over Ravens
Because... Joe Flacco's unibrow doesn't have shit on Big Ben's gray retard dick.

PATRIOTS (-3.5) over Jets
Because... this might be for homefield advantage in the playoffs.  After losing the first meeting to the Jets, Bill Belichick will make sure his team gets even in the most dastardly and reprehensible way possible. If that doesn't work, he'll sleep with Rex Ryan's wife.  Billy B always gets even.  Always.

Good luck and enjoy the games!

Kisses,

The Shark

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 12 NFL Spread Picks

There's no fictional animal in the world scarier than flying sharks. No jackalopes. No centaurs. No warecows. Nothing. You're scared of us, humans, which is totally irrational since only ONE of you die from our attacks per year. And that's only because were nice and you guys taste bad. But if we could fly...oh boy. We'd be a whole lot scarier to you jerks than an STD or some dude on your flight wearing a turban. Anyway, check out the immeasurable awesomeness of this picture. It has many of the basic components of the absolutely ridiculous: sharks, explosions, chaos, sky diving, and highly skilled government agents. It's like a Jason Statham movie captured in one single picture.

Alright, so last week the Shark put together another winning campaign with a 9-7 effort. That brings us to 85-69-6 on the year. Without further ado, hit the jump for your Week 12 picks. Due to the Holiday and my immense amount of laziness, you're not getting commentary about each game. We've done this grouping format in the past, so you'll have to deal with it for a week. Enjoy your week off from me shitting on the Bengals, Jaguars and Chiefs.

Your Turkey Day Results via Our Twitter Picks:
LIONS (+6.5) over Patriots
COWBOYS (-3.5) over Saints
JETS (-9) over Bengals

Your 3 Team Parlay For Sunday:
Vikings (+1) over REDSKINS
TEXANS (-6.5) over Titans
SEAHAWKS (+2) over Chiefs

Teams Coming Off A Blowout Loss Tend To Cover The Following Week:
BRONCOS (-4) over Rams

The Games Only Degenerates Are Betting:
Panthers (+10) over BROWNS
Dolphins (+2.5) over RAIDERS

The Ones I Kinda Feel Good About, But Am Too Much of a Pansy To Bet:
FALCONS (-2) over Packers
Eagles (-3.5) over BEARS
COLTS (-3) over Chargers

Don't Get Cute, These Are Really Too Close to Call:
GIANTS (-7.5) over Jaguars
RAVENS(-7.5) over Buccaneers

Super Sneaky Pick Alert!
BILLS (+7) over Steelers

I Feel Bad For Fans of Either of These Teams:
49ers (-1) over CARDINALS

Good luck and enjoy the games everyone!

[pic via bit-tech.net]

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 11 NFL Spread Picks

Feast your beady lil eyes on the handiwork of Jocelyn Carrington.  You may remember her from such previous TheWizWit masterpieces as: Black Roy Halladay and Ice Gold Samuel Dalembert .  She was kind enough to whip us up an official portrait of The Shark himself.  Before yall flood the ole inbox with requests, we're in the early stages of mass-producing those buttons.  Like tens of thousands worth.  You can wear them to work, school, the supermarket, during sexy-time, dinner...literally anytime.  If Max Jean Gilles can sling mousepads for $21 a pop, you'll buy buttons from us right?  Right???

The Shark managed to recover from a disastrous Week 9 and turn in a positive performance of 8-6 for last week.  That brings the yearly total to 76-62-6 with seven weeks to go.

Strap in and pull out your rent money; this is where we pay for your loved ones' Christmas gifts.

DOLPHINS (-1) over Bears
Well we got this one wrong on Twitter last night. Don't fret - with bye weeks over, there are even more games to bet on.

Raiders (+7.5) over STEELERS
We have entered bizzaro world. Considering it's Week 11, who would've thought the Raider franchise would instill enough confidence in football fans to bet on them? The Raiders won last year's meeting as 14.5 point underdogs and the Steelers are suffering from injuries to some key players. I think the Steelers will win the game, but giving more than a touchdown is just too much.

Texans (+7) over JETS
The Texans have screwed me over quite a bit this year. Considering I haven't had a good read on Houston at all this year, I'll understand if you don't believe this time. But I do believe they'll keep things close against the Jets. New York isn't really over-powering anyone right now. The last time they beat a team by more than 7, you have to go back to Week 5. Houston still has the offense to make this interesting, and they are in an absolute must-win situation.

Ravens (-10) over PANTHERS
The Panthers are just God awful and no one can really feel good betting on them. They're starting Brian St. Pierre this week. Nobody even knows who that guy is. Their best two running backs are injured and their coach can't wait to be fired. Just take the Ravens and assume they'll take out some of their aggression on Carolina after losing on a last second play in Week 10.

Redskins (+7) over TITANS
Holy shit, what wasn't crammed up the Redskins' collective buttholes last week? It will be a long time before an Eagle fan has that much fun watching a regular season game. But for this week, I like the Redskins to keep the game respectable. They absolutely have to show some pride and come out aggressive against the Titans. McNabb should be able to rebound and have a solid game against a very suspect Tennessee pass defense. It's entirely possible the Titans aren't even going to take the Redskins seriously. Not doing so may very well bite them in the ass.  Lots of butt-talk this week.  Maybe I'll keep it up.

COWBOYS (-7) over Lions
I might be foolish to jump on the Cowboys betting bandwagon, but the team just seems more inspired now that Wade Phillips is gone. Neither of the Cowboys wins have come at home, so I'd imagine they'd want to treat their fans to a convincing victory. The Lions tend to keep things close, but I like Dallas' offense against the Detroit defense.

VIKINGS (+3) over Packers
Sneaky pick alert! At face value, the Vikings have the following working against themselves: they're not better than the Packers, they hate their coach, they just lost to the Bears, and Brett Favre loves to throw interceptions. Even with all that, we're going the other way. It's finally obvious this will be Favre's last season. He's already played Green Bay several times, but you're kidding yourself if you think Favre won't be playing with some added passion to go out a winner against his former team. Here are some stats to consider also: Vikings are 7-2-1 against the spread (ATS) in their last 10 home games. The underdog in this matchup is 17-6 ATS in the last 23 meetings. I'm fully expecting Minnesota to win this game outright and prolong their season for one more week.

Bills (+6) over BENGALS
If you haven't noticed by now, I think the Bengals are a bunch of wretched shits.  They're consistently overvalued week in and week out, and it pisses me off.  I wonder how long it will be before the Bengals realize they need to get rid of Carson Palmer and blow the whole thing up.  Anyway, take the Bills.  They suck too, but they aren't quite as bad as their 1-8 record indicates.

Browns (+1.5) over JAGUARS
Like the Bengals, I have a great deal of unnecessary hatred for the Jaguars. I don't even remember why anymore, but I'll continue that trend. Besides, Peyton Hillis is the shit and has a fan page nick-naming him "The Great White Buffalo".

Cardinals (+8) over CHIEFS
The Chiefs haven't played well in their last two games. Eight points is just too much to give away. Jamaal Charles is going to have a big fantasy week, but I just don't see them pulling away to the point where Arizona won't be able to hang around.

Seahawks (+12) over SAINTS
Let's be honest, the Saints haven't played well enough this year to be giving anyone 12 points. I just don't have any faith in them. Over the last couple years, the Saints have had difficulty covering double-digit spreads, and I expect that to continue.

Falcons (-3) over RAMS
Let me caution you - I would not be surprised if the Rams pulled the upset here. The Falcons are a good team and they're certainly better than the up-and-coming Rams. Temper your expectations though - the Rams play very well at home, have covered the spread in 7 of 9 games this year, and covered the spread in 5 of the last 8 games against Atlanta. You should probably just stay away altogether.

49ERS (-3) over Buccaneers
I'm smitten by the Niners in this matchup. Tampa Bay does not travel well to the West coast. They've always been that way. The 49ers are energized with Troy Smith quarterbacking the team and have seemingly picked up their game when playing opponents with superior records.

Colts (+4) over PATRIOTS
You have to like Peyton Manning getting points. The Colts have won the last two and historically have done an excellent job at covering the spread against Tom Brady led Patriot teams.  I'm actually looking for an outright win from Indy in this spot.

EAGLES (-3) over Giants
I'm kind of shocked this line is only 3. I fully expected the line to be doubled when the spread was released. Everyone watching Monday night's game was left in complete amazement of the Eagles offense. When Vick is on the field, the Eagles operate at an extreme level of precision and confidence. The Giants' offense is good and will certainly test the Eagle defense, but it may not matter considering their sieve of an offensive line. This is the most important game of the season thus far with first place in the NFC East on the line.  I just can't see the Eagles losing. The only thing that scares me is the fact the Giants defense has knocked 5 different QB's out of games. Five injured QB's in nine games!  That's nuckin futs. Vick has less than a 50% chance of making it out of this game healthy if those trends continue. Let's pretend that's not a possibility. Instead, let's be blissfully ignorant as we laugh and cheer at the inevitable Manningface of Confusion and Dopiness. Eagles win 30-23.

CHARGERS (-10) over Broncos
Ten points is a lot to give to a team that won by 20 the previous week. While I personally wouldn't bother betting this game, I'm still going to side with the Chargers. As I've said before, the Chargers are a different team at home. They're also getting back one of their big play receivers in Malcolm Floyd. If that's not enough, the line just looks a little funky to me. I have a feeling Vegas thinks the Chargers will win in a blow out and, therefore, offering the Broncos at an attractive 10 points.

Good luck and enjoy the games!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 10 NFL Spread Picks

Oh my.  How have I not heard of this before?  A wonderfully done piece of cinema such as this should've certainly set off my Shark senses.  I just don't even know where to begin.  I suppose you should first take notice to who's landed the starring role in this film - Yes, that's the same Jaleel White who is better known to you as Steve Urkel.  Or Stefan Urkel.  Sadly, there is no trailer for the movie yet, but IMDB tells me it is to be released next month.  What's that?  Oh, yes this is indeed A SEQUEL.  Mega Shark won his battle against Giant Octopus in the first movie.  That film starred the Renegade himself, Lorenzo Lamas.  If you want to be entertained for 1 minute and 6 seconds, please watch that trailer here.  If Reginald VelJohnson makes a cameo in this latest installment, my head might asplode.

Alright, so Vegas took a poop in the Shark's cereal last week.  He had his worst outing of the year going 4-8-1.  Das just turrible.  We now stand at a season record of 68-56-6.  Not to worry - the Shark will rebound like the great Reggie Evans and you'll be able to forget all about last week's poor showing.


FALCONS (pk) over Ravens
Good start to the week.  If you follow us on Twitter, The Shark correctly predicted this game for you last night.  Let's hope the rest of these games fall in line too.

COLTS (-7) over BENGALS
I'm not a huge fan of this pick, but I'm really just assuming Peyton Manning will come out firing a week after losing.  You just know he put in extra work this week and won't take a 2-6 Bengals team lightly.  Carson Palmer has perfected the art of throwing a meaningless touchdown at the end of games, so a backdoor cover scares me a little.

Texans (+1) over JAGUARS
I really like the Texans in this spot.  Houston is in desperate need of a win and is coming off losses to two tough opponents (San Diego and Indy).  A lot of bettors are down on them right now and high on the Jaguars after their dismantling of Dallas before their bye.  There is great value in this line for the Texans.  Things to keep in mind: The underdog is 8-3 against the spread (ATS) in this head to head matchup; Houston is 11-5 ATS in the last 15 head to head meetings; and the Jaguars are 5-15 ATS in their last 20 home games.

Titans (-1.5) over DOLPHINS
I like the Titans here as long as Vince Young plays.  He looked great going into the bye week and he'll have a good opportunity to continue it here.  The Miami secondary isn't very good and can definitely be caught sleeping on big plays.  Not only will Vince Young have a good chance to hit Randy Moss deep, but his presence alone will open things up for Chris Johnson.  The Titans are an underrated team and I think they'll take a step towards proving they belong in the NFL's upper echelon this week.

Vikings (-1) over BEARS
The Vikings should win as long as they don't decide to throw the game just to get Brad Childress fired.  That's not a given either.  They have some serious hatred for that bald bastard.  But even if they try to give the game away, the Bears may give it right back.  Chicago has looked really bad of late and don't have the overall talent the Vikings do.  Instead, let's bet on this over/under:  Total number of combined Favre and Cutler interceptions.  I'll set the line at 3.5.  Discuss amongst yourselves.

Lions (+3) over BILLS
How in the hell could you even think about laying points with a team that can't even manage to win a game?  Would I be surprised if the Bills won?  No, not really now that Matt Stafford blew out his shoulder again.  But I just can't feel good about myself betting on a team hasn't stumbled into a win at the halfway point of the season.

Jets (-3) over BROWNS
Maybe the Browns are legit?  Picking them last week was one of the few things I actually did right.  This week I'm going to sell high on them and roll with the Jets.  It's not possible for the Jets to take the Browns lightly after seeing the fate the Patriots met last week.  It won't be an easy game for the Jets, but I think they'll cover.

Panthers (+6.5) over BUCCANEERS
Seems like the public's favorite team to bet on this week is Tampa.  As always, we'll go the other way.  Some stats to consider:  The Panthers are 8-3 against the spread versus teams with winning records and they are 13-6 against the spread versus the Bucs.

BRONCOS (+1) over Chiefs
I'm a bitter asshole.  I'm really just picking against the Chiefs because they've screwed me over two weeks in a row.  Earlier in the year, I refused to bet on them because I was a non-believer, yet they kept covering.  Then I finally start picking them and they give me the big 'Fuck you'.  So screw it, I'm going to get this game wrong regardless of what I pick, so I'll go against them.  You're welcome Chiefs fans.

Rams (+6) over 49ERS
The Rams are getting a little disrespected with this line here.  That team has played well this season and the 49ers have barely been able to play competently for 20 minutes a game.  Take the points people.

Seahawks (-3) over CARDINALS
Teams typically cover the week after getting blown out so we'll go with Seattle here.  Arizona is also not a very good team to play as a favorite either - they're 2-6 against the spread in their last 8 games as the favorite to win.

GIANTS (-14) over Cowboys
I'm not a fan of giving away this many points, but the Giants have played like one of the best teams in the league.  They haven't played any team that is considered 'elite', but they're beating everyone very convincingly.  I do want to caution - I'm a little worried the Cowboys will come out with some fire now that they have a new coach.  Plus, you know they don't want to listen to Jerry Jones bitch all week.

Patriots (+4.5) over STEELERS
I feel really good about this pick.  Simply put, the Patriots have owned the Steelers of late.  New England has won 6 of the last 8 meetings and they have covered the spread in 7 of the last 9.  In the last 10 meetings between these two, the underdog has covered 80% of the time.  OK, enough statistics.  Just remember the Pats got clobbered last week against the Browns, and Bill Belichick always seems to have his team ready coming off a loss.  It should be a close game, but 4.5 is too much to give New England here.

Eagles (-3) over REDSKINS
Doesn't it seem like the Redskins always cover against the Eagles?  If you said 'yes', then you win a prize. That prize?  Cancer....almost for certain at some point.  Sure, the Skins have covered the spread in 4 out of the past 5 contests.  But let's be serious, can you honestly put your hard earned cash on team as dysfunctional as the Redskins?  Their offense is in shambles and McNabb would rather eat broken glass than play for Mike Shanahan.  On the flip side, Mike Vick is playing out of his mind right now, and at this rate will win the NFL MVP.  As tough as the Redskins play the Eagles, you cannot bet against the Birds this week.  If you did, you could be betting on Rex Grossman.  There's no telling what old Lobster Pig is capable of.  Eagles win 27-17.

Good luck and enjoy the games!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 9 NFL Spread Picks

This pic has made its way around the interwebs, but it just makes me wonder if that guy's arm was really taken off in a shark attack incident. God, how I hope there's an incredibly embarrassing story he's trying to cover up with that tat. Perhaps a lawnmower accident? Maybe an angry elevator door?  Or possibly a harrowing ordeal involving a chain-link fence and a llama?  Whatever it was, it's infinitely more likely that it was the roof girder accident when he was 7 than the deadly harpoon fight he had with a South African great white.

We're just about at the halfway point of the season. The Shark's record against the spread stands at 64-48-5 and the Cowboys are fast approaching 1-15. All is right in the world.

Onto the picks!

BILLS (+3) over Bears
This game is taking place in Toronto. The Bills should probably embrace Canadians because I'm guessing this franchise will move to Toronto full time in the next few years. Anyway, the Bills have to win eventually, right? Fitzpatrick has played decent and they'll steal a game eventually. Maybe this is the spot. Plus, the Bears offensive line will not give up until Jay Cutler's brain is made into mashed potatoes.

TEXANS (+3) over Chargers
I've decided to bet on the Chargers when they're at home and against them when they're on the road.  That decision is not up for discussion.  The Chargers play like a shit team away from San Diego.  That's not to say they've exactly been roses at home, but they just can't put together a complete game to save their lives on the road.

PANTHERS (+6.5) over Saints
Do yourself a favor and don't bet this game. It just doesn't give me a good feeling. We'll take the points and hope Drew Brees' leg falls off at the knee.

Cardinals (+9) over VIKINGS
The Vikings just lost a tough game on the road and have to find a way to get up for the Cardinals. Mix in the whole Randy Moss nonsense from earlier in the week, and this team has to be distracted. Take the points.

FALCONS (-8.5) over Buccaneers
I fully expect the Falcons to crush the Bucs this week. You might think the Bucs are a young, up-and-coming team considering they have a 5-2 record this year, but I'm not completely sold. None of those 5 wins are against teams with a winning record right now. In the two losses, they were outscored 19-69 by the Steelers and Saints. The Falcons are a very good team and will have similar success against Tampa. Plus, no team allows more rushing yards per carry (5.2) than Tampa. The Falcons have Michael Turner and LOVE to run the football.

Jets (-4) over LIONS
Had the Jets won last week, I would've been more inclined to go with Detroit.  Since they got shutout, you have to assume they'll come out with a vengeance.  If I wasn't so lazy, I'd make a clever Die Hard 3 joke in that last line, but I'll leave that up to your boyish imaginations.  [EDITORS NOTE: "What da FUH!?"]

Dolphins (+5) over RAVENS
Have you noticed that the Dolphins are unstoppable on the road?  They're a very impressive 4-0 against the spread this year away from home.  Some would say they're due for a loss.  While that's a valid point, I think they matchup well against a somewhat over-hyped Baltimore team.

BROWNS (+5) over Patriots
The public is all over the Patriots and I'm not buying it. The Browns aren't that great of a team, but they're 8-2 against the spread versus the AFC in their last 10 games. I also think the Pats may fall into a trap here by looking ahead - after this game against the lowly Browns, they have back to back matchups against the Steelers and Colts.

SEAHAWKS (+7) over Giants
I'm a sucker for the Seahawks at home. I've said this before, but Seattle has a definite advantage from their fans. You wouldn't think so considering nobody thinks of the Seahawks as intimidating, but I speak the truth. Coming off a sound thumping last week, the Seahawks are getting a couple extra points to play with on the line. This just seems like a good spot for them.

Chiefs (+3) over RAIDERS
The Chiefs screwed me again last week.  I finally pick these assholes, and they almost lose outright to the worthless Bills.  The Raiders have played way over their heads for two consecutive weeks and it's about time they remember who they really are.

EAGLES (-3) over Colts
The public is all over the Colts. I almost can't blame them - getting points with Peyton Manning doesn't happen too often. Vegas knows this is a big game and therefore, will be taking many bets on it. I have to think they're sharp on this line by making the Eagles the favorite. People love to bet the Colts and seeing them getting points is going to push nearly all the action to Indy's side. Just remember the oddsmakers aren't dummies - there's a reason they're inviting you to take the Colts. That reason? MIKE VICK, bitches. He and DeSean Jackson's bubble helmet are going to have their way with the Indy defenders. Then their mothers after the game. Oh, and here is your obligatory mention of Andy Reid's 11-0 record following the bye week. Eagles win 27-23.

PACKERS (-8) over Cowboys
Roy Williams thinks the Cowboys can rattle off 9 straight wins. He's also an assface. I thought they'd put up a fight at home against the Jaguars last week, but instead, they spread their cheeks for David Garrard. How are they going to get up for this game against the Packers on the road? Right about now, Jerry Jones is secretly mixing Clorox into Wade Phillips' oatmeal.

Steelers (-5) over BENGALS
I don't allow myself to bet on the Bengals.  Ever.  It's amazing how a team who looks so out of sync every week can be as overvalued as this Cincinnati team.  I fully expect Carson Palmer to throw a minimum of 4 interceptions.

Good luck and enjoy the games!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 8 NFL Spread Picks

Welcome to the Halloween edition of DDBY! If you think the above costume is cool or funny, please go and toss yourself off a building. That costume is atrociously stereotypical and should not be forced on the eyes of anyone. Why are there so many awful costumes every year? If you're going to dress up and take part in the festivities, have some originality! Don't be like fake Cole Hamels here.

As a young lad, I was Rambo for Halloween once. It was quite badass if I do say so myself. If I had a picture, I'd attach it. I was like 7 shark years old, and had a way better costume that all those other kids swimming around as pirates and vampires. Ah, memories...

Last week we went 7-7 bringing us to 58-41-5 on the year. Not a fantastic showing, but the Shark has yet to finish any week below .500.  Hit the jump for this week's winners. 


Broncos (+1) over 49ers
No home field advantage here as this game is taking in place in London. I have to wonder: who the hell chooses these matchups? Shouldn't we be sending two marquee teams to show off the NFL product at it's best? This game wouldn't even make the air in the U.S. outside of the SF and Denver local markets. Doesn't make sense to me. But I guess since they're use to teams like the Reign Fire, they probably won't notice the difference.

COWBOYS (-6.5) over Jaguars
The majority of the public is backing the Jaguars. Never thought I'd see the day. But I think the Cowboys are going to win this game handily for a several reasons: 1) They're at home. 2) The team will come out with a "Let's rally around Jon Kitna!" emotion. 3) David Garrard will start at QB for the Jaguars after sitting out with injury (not a good thing for Jacksonville). 4) The Jaguars pass defense is absolutely horrendous.

LIONS (-3) over Redskins
The Redskins should win this game, but I just don't think they will. Check out a few of these Vegas stats: The Redskins are 6-18-3 ATS vs a team with a losing record. In head to head matchups between these two teams, the Home team has covered in 7 out of the last 9.

Packers (+6) over JETS
The Jets have played great and may be at home, but 6 points is too much. Don't underestimate Aaron Rodgers and a defense that is getting back to full strength. Think about it - would you be at all surprised if the Packers won 17-14 with a late touchdown or field goal? I'm sure you wouldn't be. So why would you even think about laying 6 with Jets? Cause you're silly, that's why.

RAMS (-3) over Panthers
This is a shady ass line. Against my better judgment, I'll bet on the Rams here. They're the better team and have played extremely well at home. I just have a bad feeling. If I were you, I wouldn't bet it. If you must, take the team that has been more consistent.

Dolphins (+1.5) over BENGALS
As you know, I hate the overrated Bengals. Things aren't changing this week. The Dolphins are a better team than most people give them credit for, and they should've won last week against Pittsburgh. The Bengals give me nothing to like and are 3-11 ATS in their last 14 games overall.

CHIEFS (-7.5) over Bills
Now that I'm finally picking the Chiefs, you do realize they'll lose this game 27-10, don't you? I promised I'd pick them in Week 8 if they proved me wrong again, so I'll stay true to my word. The Chiefs are 5-1 against the spread this year and I'm quite sure I've gotten all those games wrong. They're at home against a Bills team that cannot stop the run. 8 points is a lot and I'll probably be bitching next week, but mark it down for K.C.

CHARGERS (-3.5) over Titans
San Diego screwed me over last week, but truuust me, they got this against the Titties. The Chargers are at home and have their backs against the wall after suffering a loss at the hands of the Patriots. I have to believe they'll come out firing and not make this game much of a contest. This is one of my favorite plays of the week.

CARDINALS (-3) over Buccaneers
Both of these aren't very good. I think the Buccaneers got a little overrated early on this season, but I feel these teams are pretty evenly matched. Go with the home team and take solace in the fact that Beanie Wells should have his first big game of the year. He should easily rack up yards against the Bucs terrible run defense.

Seahawks (+3) over RAIDERS
As sad as it is to say this, the Seahawks may actually win their division. I feel dirty saying that. On a side note, Marshawn Lynch is the ugliest player in the NFL, right? He could even be in the top 3 of all-time ugly sports figures. He falls right in line with some of the past ugly-face greats: Sam Cassell and Tyrone Hill. Anyway, the Raiders just scream let down after blowing their load against the Broncos last week. Seahawks should win easy.

Vikings (+5) over PATRIOTS
I hate having to pick this game. The Vikings have the pieces but keep forcing the square peg in the round hole. The Patriots defense just makes nervous. Regardless of opponent, they are susceptible to giving up big plays. Take the points and hope the Randy Moss revenge factor is the difference. A completely focused and motivated Randy Moss is still the best receiver in football.

Steelers (-1) over SAINTS
I feel like I might be walking into a trap, but simply put, the Steelers are the superior team. Drew Brees has looked bad against defensive units that aren't nearly as good as the one he'll face Sunday.

COLTS (-5.5) over Texans
I was tempted to go with the Texans here, but then remembered one of the Shark's golden rules: Never, under any circumstances, bet against Peyton Manning in nationally televised primetime game. Ever.

Good luck and enjoy the games!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 7 NFL Spread Picks

The Shark has showed you the Seabreacher used in all of his underwater escapades.  Now I just need to get one of these for the cruises above land.  How badass would it be to see those wheels on the highway?  Or driving over some medium-sized hilly plains?  Or racing against Danny Zuko for pinks?  The possibilities are endless.  I shall purchase one and call him "Marv".  And Marv and I will go to Burning Man and get laid like it's the goddamn apocalypse.

Last week we went 7-5-2 against the spread, bringing us to 51-34-5 on the year.  Do you realize if you bet $100 on every game with the Shark, you'd be up $1650?  Cause you would be.  Not bad for 6 weeks worth of work.  I know your mother can pick up that scratch over the course of a weekend, but at least we don't have creepy men in smelly t-shirts with Scotchy breath groping us all night.

Alright, time for the Main Event.  Let's get it.


DOLPHINS (+3) over Steelers
So that James Harrison is kind of a bitch, isn't he? "Threatening" to retire because he "can't be effective with the new rule changes". Shut up, asshole. Stop hitting dudes in the head and aim your dome-piece at another part of their defenseless bodies. Just stop crying about it - you were never going to really retire. Anyway, everyone is betting on Pittsburgh, so you probably shouldn't be if you want to win money. As road favorites, the Steelers have not performed as well as you think.

FALCONS (-3.5) over Bengals
Doesn't it seem like I bet against the Bengals every week? I'd look that up if I weren't so lazy. The Falcons are a very good home team, and will rebound nicely after being beaten badly by the Eagles. As I said last week, Atlanta is a little overvalued, but for the most part, they beat the teams they're supposed to.

Jaguars (+9) over CHIEFS
I promise, if the Chiefs win and cover this week, I'll lower my speculative guard. Until then, I don't trust them. Oh, and this week I'm forced to start Matt Cassel in fantasy due to Matt Schaub's bye. I'm quite sure Cassel will shit the bed just to piss me off.

Eagles (+3) over TITANS
As I'm writing this, everyone's favorite shirtless bar-hopper, Vince Young, was looking less and less likely to start. Having said that, I'm not scared of Kerry Collins, are you? I'd be a little nervous if Vince Young were taking the field, but Kerry Collins? No way, mayne. You gotta feel confident in the Eagles defense - there's a 60% chance Kerry will show up intoxicated with dookie in his pants yelling at an imaginary Jim Fassel. If they can stop Chris Johnson (who is a fantastic back, but isn't playing like Chris Johnson circa 2009), it should be an easy afternoon. Not only have the Eagles proved to be a strong road team in 2010, but Kevin Kolb has looked more comfortable with each passing week. Even John Madden has noticed - the new Madden 11 roster update for this week has Kolb being bumped up to a 78 rating. I know that last Madden fact was what really convinced you to bet on the Birds. Eagles win it 24-17.

BEARS (-3) over Redskins
The Bears play very well at home (I'm going to conveniently forget about last week) and the public is all over the Redskins in this matchup. Washington is a decent team, but they've played three tough games in a row against the Eagles, Packers, and Colts. Traveling on the road and physically getting up for this game will be a problem for the Skins.

Browns (+14) over SAINTS
The Saints are too inconsistent to be giving two touchdowns. New Orleans always seems to let betters down when they're giving double-digit points and I don't think this week will be any different.

Bills (+14) over RAVENS
Eh, why not. The Ravens, while a very good team, seem to play to the level of their opponent. Don't get me wrong, it's difficult to play as shitty as the Bills, but Baltimore may be a little too relaxed - especially knowing this week is followed with their bye week.

PANTHERS (+3) over 49ers
Panthers will get their first win this week. I think Matt Moore coming back into the fold as starting QB is a good thing. I also expect Deangelo Williams to have a huge game - the Niners are pretty terrible against the run and the Panthers will look to expose them. By the way, the Panthers have covered the spread in 9 of the last 10 meetings.

BUCCANEERS (-3) over Rams
This is a tough one. Sam Bradford is the real deal and the Rams have played great football considering where they were a year ago. To some degree, the Buccaneers mirror the Rams as they have made positive strides after being downright awful the last couple years. We're going to go with the Bucs because they're at home and are looking to rebound after an embarrassing loss.

Cardinals (+6) over Seahawks
I don't really like either side of this one. There isn't much to like about either team, so when in doubt, you take the points. Simple as that.

CHARGERS (-3) over Patriots
Everybody likes the Patriots this week - except the Shark of course. The public couldn't be any more down on the Chargers after losing back to back games against the Raiders and Rams. Remember, those two games where on the road - the Chargers are a completely different team at home and they always give the Patriots a handful. There's a reason the Chargers are favored. There's no such thing as a gift in sports betting. Plus, it's about that time of the year where the Chargers win 10 consecutive games.

Raiders (+8.5) over BRONCOS
In the last 8 meetings between these two teams, the Raiders have been the underdog in all 8. The Raiders covered in 6 of those 8 contests. And that boys and girls, is what we call a 'trend'.

PACKERS (-3) over Vikings
A lot of people are playing the Vikings here, but it may be foolish to bet against Green Bay at home. Aaron Rodgers is another week removed from his concussion and the Packers will have revenge on their minds after dropping two games to Minnesota last year. Oh, and I expect Clay Matthews to take Brett Favre's severed legs home as souvenirs after the game.

COWBOYS (-3.5) over Giants
Holy shit, how happy are you that the Cowboys could be 1-5 after this game?! Nobody would've predicted this colossal disappointment of a season. Sadly, the truth is that the Cowboys just aren't as bad as their record. They aren't playing well for some reason, but they're essentially the same team as last year. This game might as well be a playoff game for them - it's a primetime Monday Night Football game in Dallas. If Dallas doesn't win in convincing fashion, I'm pretty sure Jerry Jones will sexually assault everyone's mothers.

Enjoy the games!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 6 NFL Spread Picks

You guys remember this Universal Studios attraction? Pretty badass if I do say so myself.  Look at the face of Gilligan there -- that's quality acting friends.  I just wish that movie (and practically EVERY movie) didn't portray us Sharks as such dicks.  That's SPECIEST, humans!

So last week we went an incredibly average 7-7 bring our yearly total to 44-29-3.  While we warned you Week 5 was going to be a tough one, the Shark strives for excellence.  We'll keep things rolling for Week 6 and try to add a few more games to the win column.

To the shark tank!

RAMS (+8.5) over Chargers
Here’s a rule that I just made up: Betting on the Chargers when they are on the road is not allowed. San Diego is like a different team on the road, and the Rams will want to show they aren't as bad as the team that got whipped by the Lions last week. Chargers will win, but not by more than a touchdown.

TEXANS (-4.5) over Chiefs
Here is my game of the week. I fully expect the Texans to massacre the Chiefs. Based off what happened to each of these teams last week, their meeting in Week 6 couldn't come at a more perfect time. The Texans got blown out by the Giants while the Chiefs hung very close with the Colts till the very end. You must remember Vegas' lines are greatly based upon public perception. The public still thinks the Colts are a 13-3 team and thus feel the 3-1 Chiefs must be a strong up-and-coming squad to hold their own against them. (Neither of those things are true in real life). The public will naturally be down on the Texans after seeing them get beat badly at home. In reality, they got thrown out of their gameplan early because of an injury to Arian Foster. They didn't make adjustments to the gameplan quickly enough once he got hurt, and the game got out of hand. Both Foster and Andre Johnson should be back this week and healthy enough to get through a full game.

Ravens (+3) over PATRIOTS
I'm only picking the Ravens because they're getting the points.  This is going to be a close game and I'd recommend you stay away.  I don't think the Patriots offense will suffer as much as people are thinking now that Randy Moss is gone.  I really just think so little of the New England defense that it scares me too much to bet on them.

Saints (-4.5) over BUCCANEERS
Well, the Saints won't be going back to the Super Bowl anytime soon. I even hate betting on them here, but I have to believe they'll come in more focused with a better gameplan. I'm not sure how Tampa keeps winning, but I'm not impressed. Beating Cincy last week isn't that big of an accomplishment, but by the looks of the line, people seem to think it was. The public is finally losing faith in the Saints and this is reflected in the line. Now is the time ride them minions!

EAGLES (-2.5) over Falcons
Just moments ago, Twitter told me Kevin Kolb will be getting the start again this week.  That news was almost enough for me to switch my pick to Atlanta.  I just feel like Mike Vick's own desire to cram it up the Falcons' buttholes would've propelled the Birds to a double-digit victory.  With no Vick, the Eagles need to find a way to keep pressure off Kolb.  That's no easy task this week as the Falcons have excellent pass rushers and King Dunlap is about as useful as a bag of dicks.  I'd expect the Eagles to use a lot of max protect and chipping from the backs and tight ends to help give Kolb some time.  With time, I truly think KK will be successful.  Another thing to note - has it occurred to anyone that the Falcons aren't as good as their 4-1 record?  Their wins are against the Cardinals, Saints, Niners, and Browns.  Those teams combine for a 7-13 record.  Not exactly great competition.  Even the Saints haven't played that well this year.  The public is pounding this overvalued Atlanta team hard.  Go the other way - Birds win 27-21.

Lions (+10) over GIANTS
I hate the Giants.  There's nothing exciting about that team.  While the Lions are far from good, at least they're somewhat exciting.  Like a lot of the Lions opponents this year, I think the Giants will underestimate them and get caught in a closer game than they had hoped.  In a perfect world, they'd lose outright and Brandon Jacobs would give Tom Coughlin a surprise nut-punch for no reason.

BEARS (-7) over Seahawks
I'm going to make an amendment to our Chargers Rule from earlier to include the Seahawks. So to recap - Never bet on the Chargers or Seahawks on the road. Seattle is even worse than San Diego when they venture away from their home field. Bears will win this one big at home.

PACKERS (-3.5) over Dolphins
At the time I'm writing this, it is unknown whether Aaron Rodgers will start for Green Bay this week.  I'm making this selection assuming he does in fact start.  If he's in there, the Packers should find great success against the Miami secondary.  If he can't start, the Packers are screwed.  They have no running game to fall back on, and their backup QB is completely inexperienced.  But let's assume Rodgers plays and everything will be fine.  Plus, Clay Matthews is friggin ANIMAL.  He is not human.  He's some sort of man/minotaur hybrid and he scares me.

STEELERS (-14) over Browns
I'm not a fan of laying this many points, but the Browns really may not score a single point here. Pretty much everything is working against the Browns in this matchup. Big Ben is back, so I expect the offense to move the ball even better than it already has through their first four games. Colt McCoy is making his first career start against one of the most ferocious defenses in the league. They will rip his child-like arm from his body and give it back to Chad Pennington. This one will get real ugly, real fast for Cleveland.

BRONCOS (+3) over Jets
Mark Sanchez has 8 TD's and zero INT's on the season - this simply cannot continue.  A road game in Denver will change his luck.  The strength of the Jets defense is its' ability to stop the run.  Unfortunately for the Jets, the Broncos realize they suck at running the football and will throw from the jump.  The Jets pass defense, while formidable, is still in the bottom third of the league.

49ERS (-6.5) over Raiders
Not only is an 0-5 team the favorite, but they're giving almost a touchdown's worth of points!  You definitely don't see that very often.  The Raiders are a publicly backed underdog, which you also don't see too often.  Some would say, "This is a GIFT."  I say you're a dipshit.  The Niners are at home with their backs against the wall against a crappy Raiders team.  San Fran is not as bad as their record.  Don't get me wrong, they have a lot of problems, but they're not this bad.  Vegas knows that, and also knows the 49ers will get their first win of the year in blowout fashion.

VIKINGS (-1.5) over Cowboys
This is a very tough game to call. These are two very desperate teams. We'll go with the home team for one reason: Randy Moss. He's not as good as he was a couple years ago, but he's still one of the best in the league and will feed off the Vikings home crowd. And don't forget - Randy Moss OWNS the Cowboys. Check these stats in 6 career games against the Cowboys - 30 catches, 607 yards, and 10 TDs. Straight cash homie!

REDSKINS (+3) over Colts
It may be suicide to bet against Peyton in a nationally televised game, but I'm going with my gut here.  I sense an upset.  Not that this game really matters to me - I'll be at Game 2 of the NLCS while this one is on TV. I know you're jealous.

JAGUARS (+3) over Titans
And finally, the most boring Monday Night Football game of the season. Not even the presence of Chris Johnson could save this game. This one will be painful to watch (assuming anyone actually bothers). If you've been following along this season, I hate on the Jaguars pretty hard, but I'm going to go with those pathetic shitheads this week. It seems like the Jaguars love to play their divisional opponents tough and may be able to pull a win out at the end.

Good luck!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 5 NFL Spread Picks

You may have not known this, but the Shark is also a huge baseball fan.  There's some completely unfounded rumors swirling this hat was made with yours truly in mind.  Some say this cap is an abomination, others think it's kinda fresh.  Understand: there's a very fine line between cool and corny.  Not everyone has the ability to see this line, and many have cloudy judgment between the two.  Let's just say I probably wouldn't wear it, but I bet Donovan McNabb would rock the shit out of this hat.

Anywho, we went 11-3(!) last week against the spread, making us 37-22-3 overall.  I can't wait till Al Pacino seeks out my genius, whisks me away, and gives me an extravagant penthouse to live in where all I do is "pick winners and lift weights". 

Enough commentary. Hit the jump to get to this week's selections.  I'm going to warn you now - this is one of the tougher weeks so far this season. 

Broncos (+7) over RAVENS
I don't have much of a read on this one, so we'll take the points. The Ravens may be a little drained after winning an extremely tough one on the road in Pittsburgh last week. They could even find themselves looking ahead to next week's matchup against the Patriots.

BILLS (+1) over Jaguars
And here is where the Bills get their first win of the season. The Jaguars just blew their load beating Peyton Manning last week.  Now they must travel to what may be one of the most dreadful places in the United States. Sounds like the perfect recipe for a let-down game to me.

COLTS (-7) over Chiefs
Peyton Manning is a vengeful man. After losing a game, all he wants to do is pummel his next opponent.  He's like that chubby second grade bully who sits on top of the dork who always has those sweet oatmeal raisin cookies. Sadly, that dork is the poor Kansas City Chiefs. Expect the Chiefs to have their cookies stolen and settle back into the losing ways they're accustomed to.

LIONS (-3) over Rams
Could the Bills AND Lions both win games on the same weekend? The odds on that alone have to be crazy. I may sound nuts, but I think it's going to happen. It's a good spot for them at home against a Ram team who's a little too full of confidence. Detroit isn't as bad as their winless record shows. They've been involved in close games all year and have an offense that can put up points in bunches.

BROWNS (+3) over Falcons
Here's a prime "the line is telling me something" example. This line is Vegas screaming at you to please take the Falcons. I'll be honest, I have a hard time believing the Browns will cover myself, but the line is too fishy not to bet on the home dog. If it's any consolation, the Browns have actually fared better than you think against the spread over their last 10 games dating back to last year.

BENGALS (-7) over Buccaneers
Tampa has one the worst defenses in the league against the run and get absolutely no pressure on the QB in passing situations (4 sacks total on the year). I'm a Carson Palmer hater, but given time to throw the ball, he should have a decent game. Cincy's running game will keep the Bucs off balance in a game the Bengals win big.

Bears (+3) over PANTHERS
I flipped flopped here as I was writing this explanation, but I'm settling on da Bears. There isn't much the Panthers do well, but if you had to pick their strongest area of the game, it would be running the football. Coincidently, the Bears have been fantastic against the run. Jimmy Clausen will be forced to win this game in the air; I just don't see that happening. With Cutler being out, I'd expect the Chicago defense to step up big-time to compensate.

REDSKINS (+3) over Packers
I feel sorry for anyone who picked up Brandon Jackson in fantasy and thought he was going to produce the same way Ryan Grant did. The fact is, Brandon Jackson isn't that great of a football player and should only be on the field in specific situations. It's going to be tough for the Packers to keep winning without an effective running game to keep the clock moving. Look for Ryan Torain to have a big day for the Skins - Mike Shanahan LOVES him and the Packers are giving up 5.2 yards per carry.

TEXANS (-3) over Giants
Don't let the Giants fool you based on their win against formerly unbeaten Chicago last week - they suck. They're a sloppy and undisciplined football team. Houston is playing very well right now.

CARDINALS (+7) over Saints
Even with a guy you never heard of (Max Hall) getting the start over Derek Anderson, I think the Cardinals are in a good spot here. The Saints have not played well at all this season. Sure, they're 3-1, but listen to the teams they've beaten: Vikings, 49ers, and Panthers. They won those 3 games by a combined total of 10 points. Das cra-zay. The Cardinals are coming off a bad loss in San Diego, but have had success at home which is where they'll be this week. They'll get up for this game and be a handful.

RAIDERS (+6.5) over Chargers
I'm going with Oakland because the Chargers seem to always screw bettors over when they're on the road. Ryan Mathews and Mike Tolbert will probably run for a 100 yards a piece, but I'm going to overlook that. Bruce Gradkowski is inexplicably a leader for this dysfunctional franchise run by vampires.

COWBOYS (-7) over Titans
This is a game I'd probably just stay away from. We'll take Dallas coming off they bye with a supposed commitment to getting Felix Jones more involved .

Eagles (+3.5) over 49ers
A lot of people are going against the Birds this week. It blows me away how many people are siding with an 0-4 team. The only explanation is Kevin Kolb's negative 38 rating on the confidence scale. Andy Reid has always done a good job of getting his teams ready to play the week after a loss. They always seem to bounce back strong, and I don't think this week will be any different. Just pray McCoy plays - God help us if we're forced to count on Mike Bell's 1.7 yards per carry. Some good news for Kevin Kolb - the Niners are in bottom half of the league in pass defense and are tied for third worst in the NFL in sacks. Defensively, Frank Gore is going to give Eagles problems, but I think they can rattle Alex Smith and force him into some mistakes. Birds win it outright 24-20.

Vikings (+4) over JETS
The Vikes are coming off a bye and will get an added jolt of excitement from the addition of Randy Moss. Minnesota has had a long time to prepare for this game and just really cannot afford to drop to 1-3. Plus, Mark Sanchez has to make some mistakes eventually, right?

/Brett Favre "purple helmet" dick joke.


Good luck and enjoy the games!


[pic via our friends at Crossing Broad and @Utley4God]

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 4 NFL Spread Picks

My cousin e-mailed me this picture of him catchin' some air at SealHunt 2010.  Trust me: dude is not to be flexed with.

Anyway, I hope you fools followed along last week.  The Shark managed another solid outing and continued to stuff money in your pockets.  In case you haven't noticed yet, underdogs are covering at quite a nice rate so far this season.  One thing I've always said is that, when in doubt, just take the points.

Let me hit you with some numbers.  Last week we went 10-6 against the spread, bringing our season total to 26-19-3.  If you don't know, they're pretty impressive for just your regular dude picking games.  Let's compare that record to a couple other places who offer weekly spread picks.  Bill Simmons has a renowned NFL spread picks column as well as fellow sports blog site, The Big Lead (which you should be checking out if you don't already).  Simmons is sitting at 25-20-3 on the year and TBL is trying to get above water at 21-23-3.  Once again I say, TheWizWit is the shit.

Sigh... You're so money and you don't even know it. Onto the picks!

Broncos (+7) over TITANS
This line is probably pretty accurate, so I'm going to go with the points.  The Broncos had a tough Week 3 emotionally as they dealt with the death of their friend and teammate. On top of that, they had to play a very good Colts team.  The Broncos should be able to focus a little better this week and keep things close.

STEELERS (-1) over Ravens
Do yourself a favor and don't bet this game.  There's really no way of knowing which team will come out on top.  Sure, all you have to do is pick a winner, but in a game that's going to be as physical as this one, you should just steer clear altogether.  This game will almost certainly end up being decided by a field goal.

BROWNS (+3) over Bengals
This might be the most boring game of the week.  I'm not one of the people buying into the Bengals actually being a good team.  Carson Palmer has not played well and it's a matter of time before another team capitalizes.  The unsuspecting Browns are as good as anyone else to catch the Bengals napping.  Plus, while the Cincy defense has played well, they're giving up 4.5 yards a carry to opposing rushing offenses.  Peyton Hillis should have another big day.

PACKERS (-14) over Lions
Here's what you need to know: The Packers are coming off a very tough loss on the road in Chicago.  They're playing a much inferior opponent at home.  The Lions will still start Shaun Hill and may be without Jahvid Best.  Having said all that, I typically don't like laying this many points, but if you must wager on this game - definitely go with Green Bay.

Panthers (+14) over SAINTS
Could I really be this much of a foolish asshole?  Well the answer is a resounding YES.  I keep betting on the Panthers and they return the favor by kicking me in the nuts.  But listen, the Panthers will cover a game soon (winning a game is a whole other story), and this may be the right spot for them.  The Saints haven't played great football so far this year, and if John Fox wants to keep his job for a couple more weeks, he'll turn Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart loose on the Saints defense.

49ers (+7) over FALCONS
This is one of the games I like most this week.  The 49ers just simply cannot go 0-4 to start the season.  This team had high hopes of contending for a division crown.  If they get off to a start that bad, those hopes will certainly be in the shitter.  I also believe the odds-makers are begging you to take the Falcons here.  With Atlanta beating the Super Bowl champions last week and the Chiefs whipping the Niners, I would've expected a line more like -9 or -10. 

RAMS (+1.5) over Seahawks
I'm surprised more of the public isn't going with the Rams here.  What you need to know is that the Seahawks should only be bet when they're at home.  They've done a good job of sucking when on the road and that should continue here.  These aren't the same Rams from the last few years - they have a good young QB and a revamped defense.  They're a young team, but are really only a few plays away from being 3-0.

BILLS (+6) over Jets
This might be a let down game for the Jets.  This is the third division game they've played in a row after two tough wins against the Dolphins and Patriots.  The switch to Ryan Fitzpatrick for the Bills is a good thing too.  Now if they could just be smart enough to give Marshawn Lynch's carries to CJ Spiller, they might win a couple more games.  Since they're the Bills, they won't do anything too smart like that, but I think they'll do enough to keep the game close to a cover.

JAGUARS (+8) over Colts
I hate picking the Jags in this spot, but I think they'll rebound somewhat from last week.  Jacksonville always plays the Colts tough and always seem to get up and play well when facing them.  Eight of the last ten meetings between these two teams have resulted in a margin of victory of 8 points or less.  The Colts passing defense is pretty awful so I think David Garrard might actually be able to get some confidence early instead of imploding the way he has of late.

Texans (-3) over RAIDERS
You'd think the Raiders would be getting a little more than they are - especially considering they're at home.  But for once, I'm going to tell you take the side that looks like a gift.  The line is probably lower because Vegas doesn't know if Andre Johnson will play or not (I'm going to bet he does).  And you know what?  Even if he doesn't, the Texans have a much superior offense to the Oakland defense.  Don't overthink this one.

CHARGERS (-8.5) over Cardinals
Boy, was I wrong about Derek Anderson having a good year.  He sure blows.  I think the Chargers are going to run away with this one.  For one, they always play very well at home.  Secondly, the Cardinals defense is almost as bad as Anderson.  They are ranked 31st in the league against the run and Ryan Mathews is looking like he'll play.  Expect a big day from him.  I doubt the Cardinal offense will be able to muster much of anything considering their #2 and #3 receivers are already ruled out.  Should be an easy-peazzy win.

Redskins (+6.5) over EAGLES
Let me first say that I do expect the Eagles to win this game.  But I think it's just far more likely the game is won by a field goal than a touchdown.  The Redskins are better than the team you saw against the Rams last week -- it's quite possible they were caught looking ahead to this very game.  The reality is that the Redskins have played the Birds tough in recent years.  Of the last ten matchups, these teams are tied at 5-5.  And all of that was before the Redskins had a competent quarterback.  I have no doubt McNabb will keep the Skins alive in this game.  Regardless of how you feel about a particular player, EVERY guy in the NFL is a proud and arrogant asshole.  You have to be to play this game.  McNabb is no different.  You'd be a fool to think he hasn't been waiting for this moment since the trade went down. Prediction - McNabb keeps things close in a relatively low scoring game, but ultimately falls just short in crunch time.  Wait a sec... that sounds familiar...  Anyway, Birds win but don't cover 20-17.

GIANTS (-4) over Bears
I really don't like this game.  The line really doesn't make any sense at all.  Through the first 3 weeks of the season, the Bears have played well and the Giants have not.  You'd think the Bears would be the ones giving a point or two here.  The sole reason we're going with the Giants is because the line looks jacked up.  Just something fishy about it.

Patriots (-1) over DOLPHINS
Oh look, yet another game I don't like.  We'll go with the Pats since I really don't think Tom Brady and Bill Belichick will let this team lose to a division rival on a Monday night.  New England's shitty defense won't allow me to speculate further.

There you have it folks.  Tell your friends.  Hopefully all that bragging doesn't come back to bite me.  I really don't want to have to explain 3-11 to everyone...

Best of luck and enjoy the games!