The Shark has showed you the Seabreacher used in all of his underwater escapades. Now I just need to get one of these for the cruises above land. How badass would it be to see those wheels on the highway? Or driving over some medium-sized hilly plains? Or racing against Danny Zuko for pinks? The possibilities are endless. I shall purchase one and call him "Marv". And Marv and I will go to Burning Man and get laid like it's the goddamn apocalypse.
Last week we went 7-5-2 against the spread, bringing us to 51-34-5 on the year. Do you realize if you bet $100 on every game with the Shark, you'd be up $1650? Cause you would be. Not bad for 6 weeks worth of work. I know your mother can pick up that scratch over the course of a weekend, but at least we don't have creepy men in smelly t-shirts with Scotchy breath groping us all night.
Alright, time for the Main Event. Let's get it.
DOLPHINS (+3) over Steelers
So that James Harrison is kind of a bitch, isn't he? "Threatening" to retire because he "can't be effective with the new rule changes". Shut up, asshole. Stop hitting dudes in the head and aim your dome-piece at another part of their defenseless bodies. Just stop crying about it - you were never going to really retire. Anyway, everyone is betting on Pittsburgh, so you probably shouldn't be if you want to win money. As road favorites, the Steelers have not performed as well as you think.
FALCONS (-3.5) over Bengals
Doesn't it seem like I bet against the Bengals every week? I'd look that up if I weren't so lazy. The Falcons are a very good home team, and will rebound nicely after being beaten badly by the Eagles. As I said last week, Atlanta is a little overvalued, but for the most part, they beat the teams they're supposed to.
Jaguars (+9) over CHIEFS
I promise, if the Chiefs win and cover this week, I'll lower my speculative guard. Until then, I don't trust them. Oh, and this week I'm forced to start Matt Cassel in fantasy due to Matt Schaub's bye. I'm quite sure Cassel will shit the bed just to piss me off.
Eagles (+3) over TITANS
As I'm writing this, everyone's favorite shirtless bar-hopper, Vince Young, was looking less and less likely to start. Having said that, I'm not scared of Kerry Collins, are you? I'd be a little nervous if Vince Young were taking the field, but Kerry Collins? No way, mayne. You gotta feel confident in the Eagles defense - there's a 60% chance Kerry will show up intoxicated with dookie in his pants yelling at an imaginary Jim Fassel. If they can stop Chris Johnson (who is a fantastic back, but isn't playing like Chris Johnson circa 2009), it should be an easy afternoon. Not only have the Eagles proved to be a strong road team in 2010, but Kevin Kolb has looked more comfortable with each passing week. Even John Madden has noticed - the new Madden 11 roster update for this week has Kolb being bumped up to a 78 rating. I know that last Madden fact was what really convinced you to bet on the Birds. Eagles win it 24-17.
BEARS (-3) over Redskins
The Bears play very well at home (I'm going to conveniently forget about last week) and the public is all over the Redskins in this matchup. Washington is a decent team, but they've played three tough games in a row against the Eagles, Packers, and Colts. Traveling on the road and physically getting up for this game will be a problem for the Skins.
Browns (+14) over SAINTS
The Saints are too inconsistent to be giving two touchdowns. New Orleans always seems to let betters down when they're giving double-digit points and I don't think this week will be any different.
Bills (+14) over RAVENS
Eh, why not. The Ravens, while a very good team, seem to play to the level of their opponent. Don't get me wrong, it's difficult to play as shitty as the Bills, but Baltimore may be a little too relaxed - especially knowing this week is followed with their bye week.
PANTHERS (+3) over 49ers
Panthers will get their first win this week. I think Matt Moore coming back into the fold as starting QB is a good thing. I also expect Deangelo Williams to have a huge game - the Niners are pretty terrible against the run and the Panthers will look to expose them. By the way, the Panthers have covered the spread in 9 of the last 10 meetings.
BUCCANEERS (-3) over Rams
This is a tough one. Sam Bradford is the real deal and the Rams have played great football considering where they were a year ago. To some degree, the Buccaneers mirror the Rams as they have made positive strides after being downright awful the last couple years. We're going to go with the Bucs because they're at home and are looking to rebound after an embarrassing loss.
Cardinals (+6) over Seahawks
I don't really like either side of this one. There isn't much to like about either team, so when in doubt, you take the points. Simple as that.
CHARGERS (-3) over Patriots
Everybody likes the Patriots this week - except the Shark of course. The public couldn't be any more down on the Chargers after losing back to back games against the Raiders and Rams. Remember, those two games where on the road - the Chargers are a completely different team at home and they always give the Patriots a handful. There's a reason the Chargers are favored. There's no such thing as a gift in sports betting. Plus, it's about that time of the year where the Chargers win 10 consecutive games.
Raiders (+8.5) over BRONCOS
In the last 8 meetings between these two teams, the Raiders have been the underdog in all 8. The Raiders covered in 6 of those 8 contests. And that boys and girls, is what we call a 'trend'.
PACKERS (-3) over Vikings
A lot of people are playing the Vikings here, but it may be foolish to bet against Green Bay at home. Aaron Rodgers is another week removed from his concussion and the Packers will have revenge on their minds after dropping two games to Minnesota last year. Oh, and I expect Clay Matthews to take Brett Favre's severed legs home as souvenirs after the game.
COWBOYS (-3.5) over Giants
Holy shit, how happy are you that the Cowboys could be 1-5 after this game?! Nobody would've predicted this colossal disappointment of a season. Sadly, the truth is that the Cowboys just aren't as bad as their record. They aren't playing well for some reason, but they're essentially the same team as last year. This game might as well be a playoff game for them - it's a primetime Monday Night Football game in Dallas. If Dallas doesn't win in convincing fashion, I'm pretty sure Jerry Jones will sexually assault everyone's mothers.
Enjoy the games!
