Fresh Google Wallpaper: 2010

How Much Will You Drink Tonight?

Answer: Not as much as those in Milwaukee, Fargo, or Sioux City, Iowa according to The Daily Beast.

New Year’s Eve is upon us and we all know what that means – Amateur Night. I personally don’t get too wrapped up in the NYE scene. Paying stupid high prices and being crammed into a bar on night where more douchebags than normal are out, isn’t really my idea of fun. I’d much rather go to a house party, have a few drinks, and distance myself from all those who piss me off.

Regardless of where you go, who you hang out with, or how many bad decisions you make tonight, have yourself a good time. Considering Philadelphia was good enough to rank on the “Drunkest Cities in America” list, I’m sure you won’t have too much of a problem. But we only rank #20. Mucho disappointing. Check out a gallery of the complete Top 40 here.

What are you waiting for? Get out there and show the rest of the country what you’re made of, damnit! Debauchery is completely acceptable on this night, so do your worst Philadelphia. Show some pride and let’s get ourselves in the top 10 for 2011.

Happy New Year’s sports fans! Have fun and be safe, Philly.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 17 NFL Spread Picks

Well we've made it to the final week of the regular season. The Shark won more than he lost, so we're all winners. Now let's just hope there isn't a lockout next year. That would make the Shark angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

In reality, there'll probably be a couple more weeks of games next year once the NFL gets their way and forces an 18 game schedule. You just know Vegas is working up a nice stiffy at the thought of taking even more of the public's money. But don't you worry, your friendly neighborhood Shark will be back to guide you through it.

Without further ado, we go to the shark tank one more time in 2010.

CHIEFS (-3.5) over Raiders
Well whaddaya know? I picked the Chiefs game incorrectly last week. Whether I go with them, or against them, I can't win. /shakes fist at Dan Saleaumua

Dolphins (+4) over PATRIOTS
This one is simple. If the Patriots sit their players in the second half, I think Miami will cover. If Bill Belicheck wants to be a cock and keep his starters on the field for 60 minutes, then this line is like 10 points too low.

BROWNS (+6) over Steelers
I'm going to level with you. I don't really have a reason for making this pick. This is a pure gut feeling. Or maybe I just have to shit. One or the other.

Bengals (+9.5) over RAVENS
For some reason the Bengals have had the Raven's number over the last few years. 9.5 is a lot of points to give away to a division opponent who knows the ins and outs of your team. Plus, Carson Palmer doesn't have to keep two dipshit diva receivers happy now that T.O. is out and Ochocinco is banged up.

LIONS (-3.5) over Vikings
Nowhere to go but down for the Vikings as they come off their Tuesday night upset of the Eagles. When Minnesota takes on the Lions, the Vikings will have only had 4 full days to rest and prepare. That's a HUGE advantage for the Lions who even get the luxury of not traveling this week.

JETS (-1) over Bills
Expect to see lots of Mark Brunell in this game. And no, that's not a sentence for 2001. Honestly, I have no insight on this game. You should probably just stay away and waste your money on a different, less shitty game.

Panthers (-14.5) over FALCONS
I've said this before, but the Falcons are not a team built to blow opponents out. Are the Panthers a bad football team? GOD YES. But I think a lot of the Panther's players will put a little more effort into this game. On a bad team, a lot of the guys are still playing for a job next year. The Falcons will win, but not by more than two touchdowns.

Buccaneers (+7.5) over SAINTS
I think this will be a good game. I wouldn't be surprised if this one ended on a last second game-winning field goal. The Bucs have a lot to play for, and Josh Freeman is a hot little potato right now.

Titans (+10) over COLTS
Call me a dickface, but I'll go with the Titans again after they screwed me last week. The Colts are an average team at best. They're nothing like the 13-3 teams they've had for the last few years. I just can't see betting money on a double-digit favorite who can't run the ball or play defense.

TEXANS (-3) over Jaguars
Trent Edwards is starting and Maurice Jones-Drew will either be out or limited. That's all you need to know. I think the Texans win this one easily.

Giants (-4) over REDSKINS
Holy shit, did the Eagles mind-fuck the Giants or what? Their mental lapses carried over to last week as they got hammered by the Packers. Now, the Giants aren't as bad as they looked last Sunday so I'm going to roll with them here. I kind of wish this line wasn't more than 3, but what can you do. The Redskins ARE a bad team. Remember that.

PACKERS (-10) over BEARS
Here's my guess - the Bears need both the Saints and Falcons to lose Sunday to make this game meaningful for home field throughout the playoffs. I seriously doubt both of those things will happen. With nothing to play for, who knows how much the Bears will try, or how long their starters will remain in the game.

EAGLES ( - whatever ) over Cowboys
This game still doesn't have a line. But since I'm a homer, we'll go all-in blind on this one. This should come down to quarterback play, and Kevin Kolb could easily start on half of the teams in the league. Jon Kitna might not even play in this game, so I'll take KK over a third stringer any day.

Cardinals (+6) over 49ERS
A team that just lost their head coach, flips flops QB's every week, and generally has underperformed all season, should not be giving 6 points to anybody. Simple as that.

Chargers (-3.5) over BRONCOS
Bottom line: the Chargers are by far the more talented team. They really should have no problem covering this spread against Denver. Tim Tebow can only do so much.

Rams (-3) over SEAHAWKS
And here's the saddest game on the card. Can you believe this is for a playoff spot? Turribe. Juss turrible. Anyway, the Rams are the better team and the Seahawks are starting Charlie Whitehurst. So yeah, he sucks. Go with the Rams.

Arrivederci,

The Shark

Our Dick Cheney

Here’s how it basically went down:

“All right, ya rat fuck. I got you dead to rights. You an' me both know ya bribed some fuck who already pled guilty to bribery and corruption. So here’s da deal: Pay a $26,000,000 bribe to da state treasury, stay the fuck away from peoples’ pensions for the rest of your life and we can fugettiaboutit, huh?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“Oh, that so, tough guy? OK, lemme put it in toims even you can unnerstand: Give us a $20,000,000 bribe and we both walk away.”

“You ever heard of ‘sloppy seconds’, Andy?”

“OK, ya rat fucker, Final offer: Ya pay us $10 million in bribes and ya stay away from New York Securities fer two years. Dat’s my final offer, doitbag. Take it or leave it.”

"Hold on a minute, leg breaker."

“Take it, Stevie. It’s the best deal you’ll get."
"But I got him where I want him, Barry! Another couple of minutes, he'll let me fuck his new trophy wife."
"Look, Dick Cheney’s thugs had to pay a quarter of a billion to Nigeria to get his fat, pasty ass off the hook, for crissake.”
"Oh, all right."

“Well? I’m waitin’!”

“On the advice of counsel, I’ll take it. But you’d better blow me first before you’re sworn in. And you better go easy on the back stroke, ya toothy wop.”