(Guest-blogged by Popeye the Cat.)
Maybe my bipedaled pets don't believe in making resolutions and bettering themselves as the second-most dominant life form on the planet but that doesn't mean I can't make my own resolutions in the interests of self betterment. So here are my top 10 resolutions for 2012.
10) I will not stick my rectum and admirably large package in Mommy and Daddy's face anymore. There's such a thing as too much of a good thing.9) I will not follow them into the bathroom every single time for a head and butt scratching. My sense of smell is extremely powerful. Trust me on this.8) I will not put myself between Mommy and Daddy and their monitors, especially if there's a chance they're ordering food for me online.7) I will not lick my admirably large package in front of Daddy. I hate it when he gets jealous.6) I will not lay down on top of Daddy's manuscripts and Mommy's magazines while they're using them. The ink is a bitch to lick off.5) I will try not to be too finicky in the future, provided my zebra meat is still grilled gently over moon rocks by Japanese ventriloquists.4) Next Christmas, I will not tear apart everyone's presents in an attempt to get at mine.3) I will practice more restraint when Daddy gives me catnip. The last time, I put over $100 on his debit card and he was not happy.2) I will stop pissing in the bathroom closet, on the bedroom floor and on Daddy's tote bag if my litter box isn't cleaned every hour on the hour.1) Naming me was still an exercise in futility but when they call me from now on, the least I can give them is a contemptuous, bored look.
