Boom? Boom.

Just like they drew it up. Back to back lockdowns of the Nationals bats to win another series. Straight domination by Cliff Lee and a Chooch-Bomb in the 6th was all the Phils needed to head back home with a .750 winning percentage. Now the focus shifts to a certain bashing of the Marlins.

Losing two consecutive games isn’t even possible, right?

Steve Buscemi Eyes = Hilarity

Not sure if you've seen this site yet, but it's absolutely brilliant. Just once I hope to achieve this level of creativity with an idea. For now, I'll continue to simply blog other people's creativity. Seems to be working for now.

Some other gems:

So What Do We Have Here?

Ho hum. Just another 5-1 start to a season, nothing to see here. After worrying about the offense all off-season, the Phillies have now scored 5+ runs in every game (of course losing the only one in which they didn't). Halladay, Lee and Oswalt have looked good. Hamels and Blanton? Eh, not so much. Overall though, this is exactly the start the team needed.

Notoriously slow starter Ryan Howard has come out of the gates hot and almost every regular is hitting over .300 so far. Is it early? Absolutely. But this team has gotten off to some very shitty starts before, so starting like this helps everyone take a deep breath and relax. Sure, the Astros and the Mess aren't expected to sniff 80 wins this year, but April is unpredictable (as you can see with the Orioles and Royals both being in first place). To win games you're supposed, especially early, is a good sign. (Just look at the Red Sox.)

So now our Phightin's head off to Atlanta to face what is likely their biggest competition in the NL (yes, I really think the Braves are the second best team in the NL). While the Braves are off to an underwhelming 3-4 start, they're still a really, really tough matchup for us. The pitching duels:

Friday: Cliff Lee (1-0) v. Tim Hudson (1-0)

Saturday: Roy Oswalt (1-0) v. Brandon Beachy (1-0)

Sunday: Cole Hamels (0-1) v. Lowe (1-1)

Like most series they'll play this year, the Phillies go into every game with the pitching advantage (regardless of Cole's first game, he's better than Lowe). I. Love. It.

Here's to 161-1.

Cliff Lee.

Phillies Predictions Sure To Go Wrong

The Phillies have four really good starting pitchers. We, along with every analyst, writer and baseball fan across America, know this. There is little doubt, minus unforeseen injuries, that those four pitchers will dominate the competition this year. All of them could win 15+ games (assuming good run support, which I'll get to later) and should be good for 200+ innings. Halladay and Lee, who were #1 and #2 in innings per start last year, are two of MLB's true workhorses and very well could finish #1 and #2 in NL Cy Young voting this year. I mean when Joe Blanton is your #5 starter, you don't have much to worry about when it comes to pitching.

However, this team still has some major questions. Utley's health aside (which everyone knows is a big deal), this team has questions in the bullpen, outfield and on the bench. 100 wins, which three months ago looked like easy money, is probably the max this team can do. In fact, I'm saying they win 94. A few other predictions sure to go wrong:

• Utley will play less than half the season. Injuries that are covered in this much darkness are NEVER good. Once a week the Phillies give us a little nugget of information, make up some new disease or injury name, schedule some specialist or test and call it a day. Utley can't even run yet, let alone make baseball-type moves. If he plays before the All-Star break, I'll be surprised.
• Ryan Howard will rebound to hit 40+ HR again. He, more than anyone else, knows how important he is to this team now that Werth is gone and Utley is likely to miss a large part of the season. Howard knows the knocks on his, and he can't be thrilled with his third-strike-looking end to last season. He's set for one final big year, before he likely starts to decline in 2012.
• Brad Lidge will suck. I'm not going to define "suck." But one thing is for sure, Brad Lidge is not having a good year. In fact, there's a good change this shoulder issue knocks him out for quite some time. That may be a good thing, since you never know what you're getting from him anyway. But thanks for 2008!
• No Phillies pitcher wins 20 games. I think Halladay and Lee should be good for about 18, but 20 is hard without run support. I simply don't see the Phillies scoring enough runs for their aces to have somebody earn a 'W' 20 times.
  
• The Phillies will win the division, but only by a game. The Braves are good, very good in fact, so I see this being a dogfight. Don't be surprised if the Braves run out to a lead, especially when the Phillies hit their usual May and June swoon. In the end I think they'll be there, but if things go right for the Braves (and wrong for our Phils) the division will probably be theirs to lose.
• World Series prediction? The Red Sox will get there from the AL. The NL? Well, I'll just let that one play out (I see a Braves-Phillies NLCS).
• Some awards: NL Cy Young: Clayton Kershaw; AL Cy Young: Jon Lester; NL MVP: Ryan Braun; AL MVP: Carl Crawford; NL Rookie of the Year: Freddie Freeman; AL Rookie of the Year: Mike Moustakas; NL Manager of the Year: Fredi Gonzalez; AL Manager of the Year: Ron Washington
  

So let's hope that 1) I'm wrong about Utley, 2) The Braves suck and 3) Rubes makes another shrewd move or two at the deadline to help the offense. All told, we're in for an exciting year and if all goes well (fingers crossed) another parade come late October (or early November?).

Cliff Lee.

We're Still Here Boys and Girls

So are Mario and Luigi. TheWizWit is gonna stay strong, so keep coming back for the same old ridiculousness that we've been doing for the past 18 months. Yes, we'll be contributing content and hilarity to Barstool Sports Philly (check that shit out by the way, our boy Maurice is killing it over there), but we'll be keeping it real and fresh over here too.

Peace, love and Cliff Lee.

BOOM, ROASTED.

So earlier this week most of us saw the photo above of Cliff Lee rockin' a "BOOM" shirt. As amazingly awesome as (all alliterations aside) that shirt is, Crossing Broad was able to confirm that they weren't for sale. Stupid Nike.

Thankfully, though, the folks over at I Don't Give A Schmidt took it upon themselves to make one. So, yea, I know what I'll be wearing opening day. I suggest you do the same.

BOOM. Cliff Lee.

[image c/o The Zo Zone]

If Tastykake Folds, I'm Murdering Everyone

Ronnie Polaneczky: Kan Tastykake be saved? - YEARS FROM NOW, I will remember where I was when I heard yesterday's shocking news. I was sitting right here at the Daily News when I learned that Tastykake, financially teetering after a brutal fourth quarter, announced that it may have to merge with another company or - gasp! - sell itself. Merge this Philadelphia icon with some out-of-town pretender pushing snacks like Drakes or, Lord help us, Little Debbie?
Gag me with a cupcake.
Or sell it? Hell, as long as we're peddling our local treasures, why don't we put the Liberty Bell on Craigslist? Or see if Walmart wants to buy Reading Terminal Market?

What. The. Fuck.

In all seriousness, I'd rather lose William Penn, the Rocky statue, several relatives, and both Pat's and Gino's* than lose Tastykake. If Tastykake is purchased by that whore Little Debbie, you're going to see me on Fox29 with a rifle and a dozen hostages at 30th street station.

I remember visiting my cousins in Texas when I was younger and being forced to awkwardly stuff our luggage with Tastykakes like a goddamn Mexican drug cartel. And you know what? I completely understood.

Actual IM conversation with my non-Philly coworker "murdear":

Her: i am extremely disappointed i did not read about this on wiz wit first
Her: how the fuck are you going to pay cliff lee now????
Her: isnt that part of the package for all philly sports deals
Her: dollars = butterscotch krimpets?
Her: i am almost certain its local currency
Me: ive actually been a prostitute in the tastykake snack trade
Me: 10 jelly krimpets can get you an HJ

Please, everyone, buy a Tastykake today.  I don't want to have to walk the streets for Drake's Coffee Cakes.


h/t TheAwl via Philly.com

*Not Jim's, though.

Happy New Year, Cliff Lee

World Series Champs 2011?

Go Phils.

New York Daily News Refuses to Recognize the Loss

Yes, a quick look at the Giants game results (see above) from the Daily News has the Giants triumphing over the Eagles yesterday 38-31. Reality be damned, the Giants won!

Oh, New York...you slay me.

Cliff Lee.

I Love You Cliff

<3

Fun With Rube's Wikipedia Page

The Phillies have signed muh-fuggin' Cliff Lee. I think we're all still in shock.  As the story broke and we awaited news that it was indeed true, Philadelphia's collective excitement went from dry-lazy-handjob-from-your-wife to drunken-passionate-unprotected-bathroom-sex. Considering just days ago signing Lee was an improbable pipe dream, last night will go down as one of the best moments of offseason baseball ever.

You have to give GM Ruben Amaro Jr. some serious props for getting this done.  While he may be a smug dickface during interviews, the man has a carefully laid out plan and knows what he's doing.  He straight up ganked Lee from the Yankees and Rangers -- for less money! 

Our loyal reader and All-Star commenter 'Eric' spent some time on Wikipedia last night and sent us this screengrab of Ruben's page before the Wiki Police changed it back.  Brilliant.

You may now continue to talk shit and rub this in the face of every Yanks and Mets fans you encounter today.

Go Phils!

Cole Hamels Is Our Fourth Starter

Welcome home, Clifton. Multiple reports have confirmed, Cliff Lee has agreed to a deal with the Phillies. Ruben, I take it all back. We all take it all back. We love you, so very, very much.

This is all so new, so fresh, it's hard to really believe it. However, barring some ridiculous turn of events, the Phillies now boast a rotation of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels. That doesn't even make sense.

Think about it this way: Roy Halladay, per Fangraphs.com WAR statistic, was the second most valuable pitcher in baseball last year. Number one? That would be Cliff Lee. Almost every team in baseball would kill to have Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt as their top two starters. We have them. And we have Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay too.

I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep with happiness. Cliff, glad to have you back.

Oh, and fuck the Yankees.

I'm Gonna Pretend This Is All A Lie

Sometime in life you hear something so good, so unbelievable, that you are almost forced to believe it isn't true. After reading rumor after rumor earlier today about the possiblity that the Phillies had entered the Cliff Lee bidding at the 11th hour, I come home from the bar tonight to this tweet from Joel Sherman of the NY Post:

At thsi moment, #Yankees have become extremely negative about landing Lee and believing that he is edging toward #Phillies

Besides the fact he spelled "this" wrong...well...holy shit. There isn't much else to really say right now, especially since there is really very little chance of this happening. If reports of the Yankees $150 million bid are true, Lee would probably be leaving $50 million on the table to join the Phillies. It's true that he loved it here, but that's a lot of money to "go somewhere you love." Thankfully we won't have to wait very long, as Jon Heyman reported tonight that a deal could come tomorrow.

Let's hope it's Christmas come early this year in Philadelphia.

*fingers crossed*