Eagles 12, Redskins 17: Slow Clap

So for those of you keeping score at home: McNabb out, Kolb in, Kolb out, Vick in, Vick out, Kolb in. And hopefully Kolb out. Very, very soon.

I may stand alone here as the guy starting the slow clap for our former QB, but it's totally justified. We got what we deserved. McSoup didn't play great, but he played well enough to win a game he probably wanted more than any of us could imagine. Hogmurder had his shot at history -- and beating McNabb in his first return game after Vick got injured would surely be historic -- but alas, it was not to be.

So what did we learn? Kevin Kolb is a Scared Shell of a Quarterback, Owen is the Schmitt, Appreciate Shady, Eagles got Clocked, Mike Bell Sucks, Where's the Rush?, Asante's Business Decisions, Countdown to Meltdown, The Prophet Barkley, and McNabb's Last Laugh.

Kevin Kolb is a Scared Shell of a Quarterback - Make no mistake -- this is not the same Kevin Kolb we saw last year. Remember the guy who was the first ever to throw for 300 yards in his first two starts? That obviously wasn't the same dude who took the field after Vick's awesome-injury-scramble-to-the-endzone-that-never-happened. You don't get to 300 yards dunking the ball to your running back every play, you get it by throwing deep and on time to your Pro Bowl-calibur WRs. The guy that has been playing in the Kevin Kolb jersey since the regular season started is NOT the same person who allowed the Eagles to trade Donovan McNabb with confidence. That dude was pretty good. This guy looks like vagina personified.

I know what you're thinkin: "I knew there was no way a QB with those stupid black spandex sleeves could be good!" And maybe you're right. But I know I saw a different quarterback last year and in training camp than the one I was forced to watch Sunday. Kevin, it's obvious you're looking to avoid that soul-crushing Pick Six and the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra of boos that go along with it, but playing it safe is only making you look like a beaten and terrified shell of a football player. You're probably going to start for the foreseeable future. You've gotta find a way to play like you've got nothing to lose, even if the complete opposite is true.

Owen is the Schmitt - I almost forgot this guy was on the team. Like the rebound girl you end up dating, Owen Schmitt has been nothing short of a pleasant surprise after an epic backwards-knee catastrophe ended Leonard Weaver's career season. Four catches for 43 yards? I'll take it. Thank the lord Jeebus that you can catch. With the possibility of Shady being out...any chance you can run, too? White fans will love you!

Appreciate Shady - Speaking of Shady, what more can I say about the kid? It seems like every week I'm praising him for one thing or another. Just another day at the office for LeSean McCoy: 64 yards rushing and 12 catches for 110 yards receiving. My man was the best player on the field EVEN AFTER PLAYING THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF WITH A FRACTURED RIB. If LeSean has to stay out any considerable amount of time, I think we'll soon realize how much this team depends on his production. Sure, he had that big fumble...but the dude had a broken rib. Some slack? You needs ta cuts him some.

Eagles Got Clocked - Andy Reid is a moron. That being said, the whole fiasco at the end of the half was not entirely his fault. When the ref came back from review, he said very clearly that the play stands. Then the ball was moved back from 4th and inches to 4th and 1 -- with zero explanation. If the play stands, then the ball should stay put, no? If you changed the yardage after review, then you say that when you announce your decision. Can't have it both ways. So yes, Andy Reid is a time-blind dummyface. But he was also given the thick black shaft by the refs. The cost? Well, the game, probably.

Mike Bell Sucks - God he fucking sucks...and I was so excited when we signed him, too! He ran so strong for New Orleans last year that either A) the tank is empty or B) this year was just a paycheck for him. It's a good thing the Birds are looking into signing Marshawn Lynch because there is no way we can go into a game with Mike '2.0 yards a carry' Bell as the #1 RB. Mike Bell sucks.

Where's the Rush? - One sack. One. And it was by Ernie Sims. Was defending the zone blocking scheme that hard where you couldn't get past a pretty bad Offensive line? Trent Cole -- you were facing a backup! You guys are jerks.

Asante's Business Decisions - I was always the first person to defend Asante whenever someone would bring up his lack of tackling, but Sunday was a disgrace. He deserved his 22 Tackle rating in Madden.  He likes to make what Deion Sanders calls "business decisions" when it comes to tackling. That is, not putting yourself in a position to get hurt tackling and making your money on INTs. I dig. But you can't just shoulder guys and/or completely duck away from them when they initiate contact. You played like Pussasaurus Rex for the majority of the game and STILL got a concussion. Asante -- hit somebody next time, homeboy.

Countdown to Meltdown - If Kevin Kolb is as ineffective next week as he was this week throwing the ball down field this week, I'm pretty sure DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin are going to go T.O. all over his ass. Maclin's frustration was obvious. It'll be more so after an entire week of preparation with a similar result.

The Prophet Barkley -

Charles Barkley, pictured HERE with his 3 favorite things in the world (hint: it's white women), has always been very vocal about his love of Donovan and his disdain for an Eagles organization that he felt never gave Mac-5 his just due. Well, Charles, you were calling this game for quite some time and you were right. It's funny -- I can't really think of any other Philadelphia athlete that could pull all the shit you have and still remain a fan favorite. Fights, casino debts, harsh words about the Philadelphia fanbase, DUIs...and we still love you. What gives? Did you win a bet with Satan and ask for eternal immunity? Cause here I thought you were turrible at gambling.

McNabb's Last Laugh - Donovan McNabb beat the Eagles in Philly against BOTH of their replacement quarterbacks.  Phase one of Donovan's quest is complete. Phase two involves a deep playoff run and a Super Bowl victory. Phase two will never happen.

But a sincere congratulations is in order for the man who personally made me a Philadelphia Eagle fan above all other sports teams in this city.  He deserved this game and deserves all the success (and future dirt-ball failures) that lay ahead.  Best of luck in the future to the greatest quarterback in the history of this team.

Next up: Kevin Kolb/Mike Bell vs. the San Francisco 49ers.  I have a soft spot for the Niners ever since I went to San Fran and realized it is one of the coolest cities I've ever been to.  And I'm straight!  If you get the chance, go there.  I just hope this time next week they're 0-5.

Go Birds.

h/t to the700level for the Barkley pic.

Eagles Injury Report Goodness

This is a beautiful thing to see three days before the season opener against the Packers.  As long as our quarterback doesn't get into a horrible hog hunting accident and DeSean Jackson doesn't roll an ankle teaching Andy Reid how to Dougie, the Eagles will be a full strength on Sunday.

Let's just enjoy this while it lasts.

She F*cking Hates Meeeeee!!!

Is this dude the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles or the guy who put up drywall in your office last week while listening to Puddle of Mudd? You decide.

Courtesy of Todd Herremans' (surprisingly entertaining) Twitter page.

Kevin Kolb Will Kill You

We've all heard the stories of how Kolb slays wild hogs for fun.  We also know he's a country boy who loves to talk wildlife and would easily win the TV show 'Survivor' (if it hadn't jumped the shark 10 years ago). 

610 WIP's Anthony Gargano has a published account of yet another badass Kevin Kolb exploit.  SPOILER: it involves snakes, boots, and a .38.













Bleeding Green Nation with the blurb:

["The quarterback slipped off one of his boots – this is why real outdoorsmen wear them – attached it to the end of a stick that he picked from the ground and dangled it in front of the hissing western diamondback. The rattlesnake struck the boot. The boot danced and the snake struck again. And again. Nearly 10 times the snake attacked the boot. Until, finally, the snake recoiled and lay lifeless on the ground. What do you know? It worked. That show on the Discovery Channel reported that a rattlesnake will play dead when prey doesn't fall victim to its spectacular bite. So the quarterback reached down and plucked the rattlesnake by its neck and held it out. With his other hand, he retrieved the .38 caliber handgun fastened to his hip and fired a round into the rattler's head. He then used his favorite pocketknife to cut off the rattles" [Bleeding Green Nation via Fanhouse]

How badass is that? He carries weaponry on his hip and has the same real-world guile that Jamie Moyer has been using on his fastball for the last decade or so.  Stories like these make me like Kevin Kolb more and more - even though I'd never be man enough to do anything Gargano described above.  I'd maybe throw rocks at it from a safe distance.  And that's a big maybe.  I dunno... I probably just lied to your face.  It's far more likely I'd just prance off in the opposite direction.

So what do I take away from this? Our quarterback will put a bullet in the head of anything that gets in his way. Rattlesnakes and defensive backs - you have been warned.

Dogmurder / Hogmurder

More people need to believe that Michael Vick is going to have a big year.  Are you a nonbeliever?

Think about it. It's so simple. You bring Vick in the first year -- maybe he's still a good player and maybe he isn't -- but it's worth a couple of million to find out. Plus, you still have Donovan Eff and KK Hogmurder to handle the majority of the dirty work. What do you find out?

He's out of shape. He's not as fast as he once was. The arm is still there, but he's new -- doesn't know any of our schemes or terminology.

But, as the season wears on, we noticed that he got some of those legs back under his speedy, evil frame. Marty and the fat one draw up some creative plays but most don't work because he's not all the way there.

Fast forward to last week. OTA's. By most accounts, Mr. Michael looks much more like his fleet-footed, Nike-commercialed, dog fighting self. Physically, I mean.

From Rotoworld:

"I'm quicker, light on my feet," Vick added. "So I guess somebody missed out this time around. But I'll make it work here, and they'll see." Out of shape last season, Vick was missing his extra gear. Reports from offseason practices suggest he's not exaggerating about regaining his speed. The Eagles expect him to player a bigger role this season than last.

Do the math. First-year starting quarterback + Fit, experienced Mike Vick backup quarterback + Cocksure Too-creative-for-their-good coaches / Trade Bait = Mad plays for Mike Vick. You can take that to the bank's bank.

And while I don't think he's going to get anywhere close to half or even 30% of the plays, I do know that he's going to have a much more prevalent role in short yardage and goal line situations. Plus now he's fast enough to get more than 2 yards on every run.

Don't you remember that MV7 and Jeremy Maclin were the only offense that showed up to Dallas last year?