Larry Fitz Wants Him Some Hogkiller

Each Arizona Cardinal who attempted to pretend they were an NFL quarterback failed miserably last year. Arizona QB's threw a total of 10 TD's all year while their completion percentage barely reached 50%. So to avoid another disaster, and actually have a chance to resign Larry Fitzgerald (he's a free agent after next season), they must sign a viable QB.

Adam Schefter reported that when the Cardinals asked Larry Fitz who he wants tossing him passes next year, he responded with a ringing endorsement of Kevin Kolb.  Thank you Larry Fitzgerald.  I always knew I liked you.  Zona has the #5 overall pick in the draft and I can only pray they're foolish enough to give it up for KK.

For what it's worth, Fitz second choice was Marc Bulger. He's basically given them the option to either trade for Kolb, or sign a washed up, injury prone Marc Bulger off the street. This is why you don't ask players for input into personnel moves.

Mike Vick Says What We Were All Thinking

Michael Vick knows Kevin Kolb is Gone -
On if he thinks he and Kevin Kolb can co-exist like they did this year in 2011: "Me and Kevin haven't spoken about it because of our relationship. When that time comes, we'll keep it real with one another. I think ultimately it comes down to what Kevin wants to do. If he's in Philadelphia and I'm in Philadelphia and we have to work together again, everything will be okay because we always try to help each other, compete and make each other better. So I think regardless of the fact if we're together, everything is going to be just fine, and we'll have another great season it and enjoy it. I think with Kevin being the competitor that he is, if he tries to go and find a job somewhere else, I think he'll be successful doing it. And I know he wants to play. So it's just up to Kevin and what he wants to do."

It's basically up to Kevin and how much he's willing to start elsewhere.  Remember, dude was a second round pick and definitely didn't come into the league with any crazy hype.  He's played well with the chances he's been given, but to change systems and expect him to immediately shine is setting pretty high expectations.  He's probably not even 100% confident he would play well on another team.

Also of note were Vick's comments about whether or not he could be as successful elsewhere as he is in Philly, where he admitted that he "really [doesn't] think so" and that Fat Andy "just has a way of bringing out the best in me."

Jesus, just kiss already.


h/t Deadspin

Autotuned Andy Reid To Brighten Your Day

DJ Steve Porter - the same guy who brought us the fantastic Press Hop and Press Hop 2 videos - gives us this outstanding little ditty.  Andy Reid spits hot fire son! 

It was a rought weekend; at least this video gives Philly sports fans a reason to smile.  You may now go back to calling Kenny Britt and Juan Uribe assholes.

Eagles 31, Falcons 17: The Desktop Wallpaper Bowl

Oh who doesn't love the friendly office wager.

A fellow employee -- who for the sake of privacy we'll call "Edward McFalconsfan" -- and I were engaged in a work week of casual shit-talking since last Monday. The final resolution? Whoever is the fan of the losing team must change their desktop wallpaper to a background of the winner's choosing and leave it there for a week.

Edward McFalconsfan, enjoy your week. I came into work early on a Monday just to MS Paint this for you.

So what did we learn? Wetz was Wrong, Chad Hall is the Beneficiary of Racism, Dunta Robinson is a Fucking Asshole, Give McDermott His Credit, Kevin Kolb Trade Value Meter, Won in the Trenches, Wide Left, and Vick is Still the Starter.

Wetz was Wrong - The place: our comments section.  The day: October 7, 2010. The time: 12:33 PM. The words:

"Kevin Kolb sucks. It's been decided, end of story. If you look that uncomfortable in an NFL game, after three years in the league, you ain't got a prayer."

3:49 PM:

"I'm not on any ledge. Kevin Kolb sucks, that's reality. I'm not abandoning hope when it comes to Kolb, I never had hope in him to begin with. There's a difference."

Well, 579 yards, 4 TDs, and a 118.5 QB Rating later, it looks like reality has made quite the fool of our fellow WizWitter.

Kevin has looked nothing short of amazing in the past two starts, and while I refuse to use the word "poise" when describing any NFL quarterback, hes looked quite...comfortable running the offense during his stretch as starter.

Oh, and FYI:

"maurice said...
I've always been higher on Kolb than a lot of people, and while I wrote this post and saw his terrified little-boy face last Sunday, I feel okay about his chances going forward.
He's made the throws before, it's just about -- as Hard Knocks Rex Ryan would say -- 'letting his nuts drop'."


Chad Hall is the Beneficiary of Racism - Wes Welker. Julian Edelman. Danny Amendola. Danny Woodhead. Chad Hall. That's the order in which it happened.

I'm not blind, NFL. I see what you're doing here.

And has anyone ever seen any of these guys in the same place at the same time? I swear they're all the same person. Finkle is Einhorn! Ton Loc is Marino!

Dunta Robinson is a Fucking Asshole - You see what you did, dummy? You nearly killed you both. You're the reason mothers don't let kids play football.

Give McDermott His Credit - The Falcons were #2 in rushing in the NFL. They only gained 65 yards on the ground Sunday. Sean McDermott's game planning has been solid enough to withstand the loss of his #1 CB last week and his starting DT this week. You know those moments when the entire D line shifts left or right simultaneously just before the play is a run to that side? That's what good coaching looks like.

Kevin Kolb Trade Meter - 

Won in the Trenches - Patchwork O-line giving Kolb time to throw + D-line stuffing the run and getting pressure on the QB = Victory.

Football is as simple as that.

Wide Left - Akers missed a bunch of field goals but I think he'll be fine and I only wrote this long run-on sentence so I could link to this fantastic picture I found while searching Google images for "bad kicker."

Vick is Still the Starter - I'll keep this short: fans forget too quickly. If you doubters don't remember, Mike Vick was doing much of the same stuff Kevin Kolb is doing: 575 yards passing, 5 TDs, and a 113.6 QB Rating. There is one huge difference between the two, though -- Vick has 67 yards and a TD on the ground. The threat that Vick poses with his feet allows other guys to get open and is something that is immeasurably important to an offense predicated on big plays such as ours.

Vick is starting. Until he starts throwing picks.


Titans up next. Go Birds.

Eagles 27, 49ers 24: I Want My ShadyBackShadyBackShadyBack

The Phillies beat the Eagles in the Local TV Ratings Bowl Sunday night, defeating the long-time champs 27.7 to 24.1.

There has been some chatter concerning the implications of these numbers, some now claiming that Philly has shifted from a football town to a baseball town. Not a bad argument -- the Phillies are the only Philadelphia professional sports team to win a championship in my whole mothercursing lifetime. Others will argue that more people turned into the Phillies/Reds NLDS game because it was a playoff game and it's only week 5 in the NFL. Also -- a decent argument.

I think we're both...at least right now. The city is in a transition period where its' favorite son has been overshadowed in recent years by his much more successful younger brother (or sister). This is the closest the two sports have been in popularity in some time and we should all just be thankful that neither of these teams have been managed by anyone who had anything to do with the Sixers. Forserious.

Oh yeah, and they both won. So what did we learn from the Birds win Sunday? Well Kevin Kolb Earns his Scrilla, Ribs Ain't No Thang, Bye Bye Bunkley, King Dunlap is the New Winston Justice, Kevin Kolb Trade Value Meter, We Built This City on Turn-o-vers, and Trevor Laws Wins the Game.

Kevin Kolb Earns his Scrilla - 21/31 for 253 yards and a touchdown. No turnovers. A 103.3 QB Rating. Think about how this season may play out. There are currently ZERO 4-0 teams. None. This whole thing is even more unsettled when you look at the NFC East: three teams at 3-2 and the Cowboys still waiting to join the party. So what am I getting at?

Mike Vick is going to be Mike Vick; he's going to take off and run several times a game. What's almost certain is that A) he's going to fumble sometimes and B) he's going to get dinged up. Some of this pain he can play through and some he can't: his rib cartilage being the latter. Who knows how many games 30 year-old Vick can miss in a full season? Having a Starter #2 QB like Kevin Kolb makes Eagles' wins not just easier -- but possible. KK Hogmurder just won a game in a tight division and is worth every penny.

Ribs Ain't No Thang - Another week, another fantastic performance. LeSean McCoy has shown to be the best player on the field for much of these games and against the Niners he did it with CRACKED RIBS. So for God's sake Chris Collinsworth, there was no need to crucify the kid for trying to make a smart play and sliding a bit short. Collinsworth stopped just short of calling him a "fucking asshole" on the air when that happened. Cool ya jets, turkeyneck. Shady's an effing Pro Bowler: 11th in the league in rushing, 15th in the league in receiving. Yeah, he's ahead of Larry Fitzgerald, Wes Welker, Calvin Johnson, and Andre Johnson in receptions.

Bye Bye Bunkley - Aaaand another season-ending injury. Jeff Owens got the nod to replace Broderick on most downs because of Owens' ability to play the run. You might remember Jeff Owens from such Philadelphia Eagles activities as Standing on the Sideline and Watching the Game from Home Because I'm on the Practice Squad. Prepare for the run defense to suffer even more.

King Dunlap is the New Winston Justice - Remember that game like three years back when Osi Umenyiora sacked McNabb 37 times because Winston Justice was warm and naked and scared of playing football? Well, although Dunlap's day wasn't quite as horrendous, there were stretches where he looked real bad. I know Andy, I like his name too...but maybe this guy isn't the best option to be backing up your bijillionaire laying-on-the-ground-injured-four-times-a-game left tackle. Or maybe he'll be good in three years. Probly not though.

Kevin Kolb Trade Value Meter -

Ehhh 2nd or 3rd...ish?

We Built this City on Turn-o-vers - Terrible, I know. I'm ashamed of myself for first writing it, but even more so for not taking the time to go back and think of something more clever afterward. Maybe it's funny in an ironic way, like if I recognize its absolute lack of creativity? No? Okay I'll move on.

When the Eagles traded Lito Sheppard and shook the money tree at former Patriot Free Agent Asante Samuel, they knew what their team needed: turnovers. They were looking for a ball hawk CB to jump lazy routes when the opposing QB feels pressure from the blitz. Not much has changed. We traded McNabb for a new rookie Free Safety (with three INTs already by the way) and beefed up our D-Line with the hopes of creating the pressure that creates turnovers. Good work so far: 15 sacks, 8 INTs, 3 Fumble Recoveries, and a TD.

Trevor Laws Wins the Game - I wasn't as mad about LeSean sliding short of the first down at the end of the game as I was about the following 3rd and 2 playcall. Quick slant...to BRENT CELEK. Are you fartin' me, Andy? You have the fastest player in the league, a RB that's been dominating all day, and a bigger possesion receiver with sure hands...and you call a quick slant to your TE. Stop trying to be smarter than you need to be. If our defense didn't stand up and we lost that game, I wouldn't have blamed McCoy, I would have blamed the coaching staff for that dumbass 3rd down call.

But the defense did hold up, and in the next series our mustacheo'd homeboy Trevor "OBEY THE LAWS" Laws put the pressure on Alex Smith and he threw the game-losing INT as a result. This game could and would have ended up much differently if Laws didn't step up here.


They got an away-game win against a desperate team fighting for its' season. Falcons next. Will Vick play? A lot more needs to get settled before Sunday.

Go Birds.




Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

Eagles Receivers Still Wide Open, Waiting on Kolb Pass

NFL Network's NFC Playbook show -- an otherwise lame program that I imagine is masturbation material for people like Mike Martz -- featured a segment dedicated to Kevin Kolb and his missed opportunities last week. Because human people should only watch NFL Network when it's completely necessary (except Rich Eisen...he's alright in my book), I've provided you with a synopsis of what was covered.

1.  Dudes was open.
2.  Dudes wasn't thrown balls.
3.  Dude needs to hit open dudes next week.

BOOM!  Where's my contract, NFL Network?

Eagles 12, Redskins 17: Slow Clap

So for those of you keeping score at home: McNabb out, Kolb in, Kolb out, Vick in, Vick out, Kolb in. And hopefully Kolb out. Very, very soon.

I may stand alone here as the guy starting the slow clap for our former QB, but it's totally justified. We got what we deserved. McSoup didn't play great, but he played well enough to win a game he probably wanted more than any of us could imagine. Hogmurder had his shot at history -- and beating McNabb in his first return game after Vick got injured would surely be historic -- but alas, it was not to be.

So what did we learn? Kevin Kolb is a Scared Shell of a Quarterback, Owen is the Schmitt, Appreciate Shady, Eagles got Clocked, Mike Bell Sucks, Where's the Rush?, Asante's Business Decisions, Countdown to Meltdown, The Prophet Barkley, and McNabb's Last Laugh.

Kevin Kolb is a Scared Shell of a Quarterback - Make no mistake -- this is not the same Kevin Kolb we saw last year. Remember the guy who was the first ever to throw for 300 yards in his first two starts? That obviously wasn't the same dude who took the field after Vick's awesome-injury-scramble-to-the-endzone-that-never-happened. You don't get to 300 yards dunking the ball to your running back every play, you get it by throwing deep and on time to your Pro Bowl-calibur WRs. The guy that has been playing in the Kevin Kolb jersey since the regular season started is NOT the same person who allowed the Eagles to trade Donovan McNabb with confidence. That dude was pretty good. This guy looks like vagina personified.

I know what you're thinkin: "I knew there was no way a QB with those stupid black spandex sleeves could be good!" And maybe you're right. But I know I saw a different quarterback last year and in training camp than the one I was forced to watch Sunday. Kevin, it's obvious you're looking to avoid that soul-crushing Pick Six and the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra of boos that go along with it, but playing it safe is only making you look like a beaten and terrified shell of a football player. You're probably going to start for the foreseeable future. You've gotta find a way to play like you've got nothing to lose, even if the complete opposite is true.

Owen is the Schmitt - I almost forgot this guy was on the team. Like the rebound girl you end up dating, Owen Schmitt has been nothing short of a pleasant surprise after an epic backwards-knee catastrophe ended Leonard Weaver's career season. Four catches for 43 yards? I'll take it. Thank the lord Jeebus that you can catch. With the possibility of Shady being out...any chance you can run, too? White fans will love you!

Appreciate Shady - Speaking of Shady, what more can I say about the kid? It seems like every week I'm praising him for one thing or another. Just another day at the office for LeSean McCoy: 64 yards rushing and 12 catches for 110 yards receiving. My man was the best player on the field EVEN AFTER PLAYING THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF WITH A FRACTURED RIB. If LeSean has to stay out any considerable amount of time, I think we'll soon realize how much this team depends on his production. Sure, he had that big fumble...but the dude had a broken rib. Some slack? You needs ta cuts him some.

Eagles Got Clocked - Andy Reid is a moron. That being said, the whole fiasco at the end of the half was not entirely his fault. When the ref came back from review, he said very clearly that the play stands. Then the ball was moved back from 4th and inches to 4th and 1 -- with zero explanation. If the play stands, then the ball should stay put, no? If you changed the yardage after review, then you say that when you announce your decision. Can't have it both ways. So yes, Andy Reid is a time-blind dummyface. But he was also given the thick black shaft by the refs. The cost? Well, the game, probably.

Mike Bell Sucks - God he fucking sucks...and I was so excited when we signed him, too! He ran so strong for New Orleans last year that either A) the tank is empty or B) this year was just a paycheck for him. It's a good thing the Birds are looking into signing Marshawn Lynch because there is no way we can go into a game with Mike '2.0 yards a carry' Bell as the #1 RB. Mike Bell sucks.

Where's the Rush? - One sack. One. And it was by Ernie Sims. Was defending the zone blocking scheme that hard where you couldn't get past a pretty bad Offensive line? Trent Cole -- you were facing a backup! You guys are jerks.

Asante's Business Decisions - I was always the first person to defend Asante whenever someone would bring up his lack of tackling, but Sunday was a disgrace. He deserved his 22 Tackle rating in Madden.  He likes to make what Deion Sanders calls "business decisions" when it comes to tackling. That is, not putting yourself in a position to get hurt tackling and making your money on INTs. I dig. But you can't just shoulder guys and/or completely duck away from them when they initiate contact. You played like Pussasaurus Rex for the majority of the game and STILL got a concussion. Asante -- hit somebody next time, homeboy.

Countdown to Meltdown - If Kevin Kolb is as ineffective next week as he was this week throwing the ball down field this week, I'm pretty sure DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin are going to go T.O. all over his ass. Maclin's frustration was obvious. It'll be more so after an entire week of preparation with a similar result.

The Prophet Barkley -

Charles Barkley, pictured HERE with his 3 favorite things in the world (hint: it's white women), has always been very vocal about his love of Donovan and his disdain for an Eagles organization that he felt never gave Mac-5 his just due. Well, Charles, you were calling this game for quite some time and you were right. It's funny -- I can't really think of any other Philadelphia athlete that could pull all the shit you have and still remain a fan favorite. Fights, casino debts, harsh words about the Philadelphia fanbase, DUIs...and we still love you. What gives? Did you win a bet with Satan and ask for eternal immunity? Cause here I thought you were turrible at gambling.

McNabb's Last Laugh - Donovan McNabb beat the Eagles in Philly against BOTH of their replacement quarterbacks.  Phase one of Donovan's quest is complete. Phase two involves a deep playoff run and a Super Bowl victory. Phase two will never happen.

But a sincere congratulations is in order for the man who personally made me a Philadelphia Eagle fan above all other sports teams in this city.  He deserved this game and deserves all the success (and future dirt-ball failures) that lay ahead.  Best of luck in the future to the greatest quarterback in the history of this team.

Next up: Kevin Kolb/Mike Bell vs. the San Francisco 49ers.  I have a soft spot for the Niners ever since I went to San Fran and realized it is one of the coolest cities I've ever been to.  And I'm straight!  If you get the chance, go there.  I just hope this time next week they're 0-5.

Go Birds.

h/t to the700level for the Barkley pic.

Eagles 20, Packers 27: Pointing Fingers!

Oh snap!

So THAT shit didn't pan out how we wouldda guessed. If you had two season-ending injuries, two concussions, and a return of the Michael Vick Experience scramble party on your scorecard, then you are the winner! And psychic. WIIIIITCH!!!

And while I was hoping I wouldn't have to write a "Pointing Fingers" article this week, there are obviously some interesting things to talk about / blame for this loss including KevinKolbSucksHe'sTerrible, No Love for DeSean, Brent Celek Kidnapping, Winston Justice's Averageness, Ellis Hobbs, Marty Mornhinweg's employment, Andy Reid's genius, and Omar Gaither.


KevinKolbSuckHe'sTerrible - He's not, actually. I know everyone wants to jump off the Kolb bandwagon after a half of football, but you have to remember that A) the Packers are really good, B) It was only a half, C) the Packers, like the eagles, have been preparing for this game for months, and D) Kevin Kolb is terrible. Wait...scratch that last one. I'll give the kid a couple more shots at it before giving him the Bobby Hoying Award.

And on the flipside, let's not all start sucking Michael Vick's red dog dick just yet. I like Vick more than the average Philly fan (I'm a cat person), but even I wouldn't be dumb/blind enough to take one half against a team that was under-prepared for his skill set as the beginning of the "Vick Era" in Philly (yes, the Daily News has seriously written that). He's got tremendous athletic ability and a cannon for an arm...but let's not forget that his cannon often fires way off target and/or into the hands of players in different color jerseys. He missed two easy crossing patterns including one to a wide open DeSean Jackson in space. Vick is who he is and for the most part that's a very good thing. But he'll never be the faster version of McNabb that you fools are making him out to be.

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with continuously subbing Vick/Kolb during a game. I'm tired of all these people complaining that Kolb can't get into a "rhythm" because of this strategy. It seemed to work okay last year when they did it in both of Kolb's starts (300+ yards in each), and if this is what they practice, this is what they'll be used to. Vick is too dangerous to be sitting on the sideline all game.  From where I'm sitting, it looks like the Eagles have got a Quarterback PROtroversy brewing.  Controversies are so negative -- nothing wrong with having a capable backup signal caller.

No Love for DeSean - How am I supposed to see this nigga Dougie when he only gets four catches? The frustration from Mr. Jackson was obvious all game, and it is the fault of the coaching staff for not trying to get the ball in the hands of their best playmaker. A reverse, a WR screen, a wildcat snap...anything could have been used to get him more touches. With DeSean being grossly underpaid, the offense looking stagnant, Kolb not getting him the ball, Maclin getting more looks and TDs (and money), and the possibility of the Eagles losing more than a few games, the birds are creating the perfect storm for a DeSean Jackson press conference meltdown. Stop cheating me outta fantasy points, Marty!

Brent Celek Kidnapping - Last seen catching passes, doin' the Captain, and being relevant.

Winston Justice's Averageness - Not to completely knock the guy because he's done an improbable career 180 to win the Eagles starting RT position, but Winston Justice can in no way be the long term solution at tackle. It was his whiff on Packers LB Clay Matthews that gave Kevin Kolb career concussion #1, and it just seems like the birds are coasting with him as their starter. This has gotta get addressed at some point.

Ellis Hobbs - Daaamn, homey. In Preseason you was the maaaan, homey -- the fuck happened to you?

Actually Ellis' day wasn't all bad, but his confusion / ridiculously bad angle on Packers WR Greg Jennings is what gave up the backbreaker touchdown to the Pack. Jennings actually MOCKED his coverage on the sidelines after! Ellis can make all the solid tackles in the world, but they don't mean anything if he's giving up easy TD passes.

Marty Mornhinweg's Employment - is a big reason for this loss. I'm not even gonna harp on the fourth-and-1 terrible, terrible Vick up-the-gut play call -- it was obviously first-degree retarded. But there was so much more that was bad about his job calling this game. How about McCoy only getting SEVEN carries (5.0 avg)? How about calling that CRAZYPREDICTABLE goal line shovel pass that's been in the Eagles playbook since 1994? Who cares if Vick has never practiced this before and that it's completely obvious to everyone watching that he has no idea what he's doing? LET'S RUN BURN A DOWN AND RUN THAT SHIT ANYWAY! Go Marty!

Andy Reid's Genius -

"(Clears throat) How much time is left, ref?"
"Looks to be about 5 minutes and change."
"Okay, lemme get 4 timeouts."
"Uhh...you only have 3."
"Okay, lemme get 3 timeouts."
"You're only allowed one at a time."
"Since when!?!"

And don't forget that he tried to murder our punch-drunk stumbly starting MLB by putting him back in the game after a concussion. One thing I did like, though -- Andy and Marty dusted off the Playstation 2 at halftime and dug into the 2005 Atlanta Falcons' playbook to get something going with MV7. Cheap sideline scramble left! Cheap sideline scramble right! It's just a shame Andy's brilliance couldn't come up with much else.

Omar Gaither - is baaaaaad. Bad meaning bad not bad meaning good. Packers points with StewBrad in the game - 3. Packers points with Omar Gaither in the game - 24. Ouch.  Get well soon, Stew!


Overall, while this loss felt especially painful because of the season-ending injuries and poor play of Kevin Kolb, we have to remember that this is only the first game. We came into this week with zero people on the injury report...it was only a matter of time before that sheet was filled with names. It's how we do. But I sincerely believe that this can be a very good year for the Eagles if they can play to their strengths (QB pressure, creating turnovers, quick passes, Vick running) and avoid the dumb mistakes/penalties.  Plus we have a good punter...so that's a plus.

The Lions are on tap -- time to get the first W.  Go birds.

Main picture courtesy of AP Photo/Miles Kennedy via ESPN.

Newspapers: Where Amazing Happens

Per USA TODAY, THE SECOND-MOST POPULAR NEWSPAPER IN THE COUNTRY:

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb elicits the image of Simba, the cub from The Lion King, suddenly thrust to the head of the pride after the unexpected departure of longtime leader Donovan McNabb. And with plenty of hungry hyenas lurking in the NFC East — McNabb, now a hyena in Washington Redskins clothing and still among them — Kolb will have little time to adjust to his new role on the league's hotly contested 100-yard plains, and he knows it.

I can't believe this shit was written by a real, live PAID journalist. What a terrible, terrible analogy.

Pumba better watch the fuck out.

[USA Today]

She F*cking Hates Meeeeee!!!

Is this dude the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles or the guy who put up drywall in your office last week while listening to Puddle of Mudd? You decide.

Courtesy of Todd Herremans' (surprisingly entertaining) Twitter page.

Kolb Slobbering

Tom Heckert. Courtesy of Bleeding Green Nation.

Kevin Kolb Will Kill You

We've all heard the stories of how Kolb slays wild hogs for fun.  We also know he's a country boy who loves to talk wildlife and would easily win the TV show 'Survivor' (if it hadn't jumped the shark 10 years ago). 

610 WIP's Anthony Gargano has a published account of yet another badass Kevin Kolb exploit.  SPOILER: it involves snakes, boots, and a .38.













Bleeding Green Nation with the blurb:

["The quarterback slipped off one of his boots – this is why real outdoorsmen wear them – attached it to the end of a stick that he picked from the ground and dangled it in front of the hissing western diamondback. The rattlesnake struck the boot. The boot danced and the snake struck again. And again. Nearly 10 times the snake attacked the boot. Until, finally, the snake recoiled and lay lifeless on the ground. What do you know? It worked. That show on the Discovery Channel reported that a rattlesnake will play dead when prey doesn't fall victim to its spectacular bite. So the quarterback reached down and plucked the rattlesnake by its neck and held it out. With his other hand, he retrieved the .38 caliber handgun fastened to his hip and fired a round into the rattler's head. He then used his favorite pocketknife to cut off the rattles" [Bleeding Green Nation via Fanhouse]

How badass is that? He carries weaponry on his hip and has the same real-world guile that Jamie Moyer has been using on his fastball for the last decade or so.  Stories like these make me like Kevin Kolb more and more - even though I'd never be man enough to do anything Gargano described above.  I'd maybe throw rocks at it from a safe distance.  And that's a big maybe.  I dunno... I probably just lied to your face.  It's far more likely I'd just prance off in the opposite direction.

So what do I take away from this? Our quarterback will put a bullet in the head of anything that gets in his way. Rattlesnakes and defensive backs - you have been warned.

Tim Hasselbeck Wants You to Draft Kevin Kolb

He would also appreciate it if you would stop comparing him to his brother. And hey, lay off his wife while you're at it.

Philadelphia Eagles Madden 11 Player Ratings

Full ratings here.  What's wrong?

Kevin Kolb 75 Overall
This is egregious. I understand that all of the ratings have been down the past couple of years and that I may be drinking the kelly green Kool-Aid here, but KK is better than a 75. There's no way that Andy Reid trades his franchise quarterback and decade-long butt bro Donovan McNabb IN THE DIVISION to start a 75. Chad Henne is a 75. And his face looks stupid. Hopefully we see this push 80 after a couple weeks into the season.

And is third-string rookie Mike Kafka's accuracy really better than our other QBs? Hmm. Weird.

Asante Samuel 29 Tackle rating
I know the dude isn't a great tackler, but a 29 tackle rating is ridiculous. I have a 29 tackle rating. Prepare to witness absurd tackle-breaking scenarios with dudes like Brett Favre or the fake-punt guy all game.

DeSean Jackson 95 Swagger Rating
So EA has sold even more of their game, this time adding in the hilariously unnecessary "Swagger" rating. Perhaps the Swagger ratings are a bit reverse racist, but how in the world is DeSean 'DJacc' Jackson only a 95 Swagger rating? LOOK at this motherfucker. This is a guy who publicly chest-bumps his 500lb coach. This is the same guy that not once but TWICE missed out on a touchdown because he was trying to celebrate into the endzone. On his Twitter he says things like "what up loco halla at ya nephew" to goddamn Snoop Dogg. @Desean Jackson, you are swagged out. Give this man his 99.

Oh yeah, how does Stuart Bradley have the lowest (45 Swag) on the team? He's lower than King Dunlap. Stu Brad is doing interviews with Drake!

Jason Avant 82 Catch
No way, bruh. [Jesus hands]

Daniel Te'o-Nesheim is a 0
'Cause apparently he's not on the team. What you got against Somoans, ESPN? They do the Humpty Dance, too!

phillygameday.com

Dogmurder / Hogmurder

More people need to believe that Michael Vick is going to have a big year.  Are you a nonbeliever?

Think about it. It's so simple. You bring Vick in the first year -- maybe he's still a good player and maybe he isn't -- but it's worth a couple of million to find out. Plus, you still have Donovan Eff and KK Hogmurder to handle the majority of the dirty work. What do you find out?

He's out of shape. He's not as fast as he once was. The arm is still there, but he's new -- doesn't know any of our schemes or terminology.

But, as the season wears on, we noticed that he got some of those legs back under his speedy, evil frame. Marty and the fat one draw up some creative plays but most don't work because he's not all the way there.

Fast forward to last week. OTA's. By most accounts, Mr. Michael looks much more like his fleet-footed, Nike-commercialed, dog fighting self. Physically, I mean.

From Rotoworld:

"I'm quicker, light on my feet," Vick added. "So I guess somebody missed out this time around. But I'll make it work here, and they'll see." Out of shape last season, Vick was missing his extra gear. Reports from offseason practices suggest he's not exaggerating about regaining his speed. The Eagles expect him to player a bigger role this season than last.

Do the math. First-year starting quarterback + Fit, experienced Mike Vick backup quarterback + Cocksure Too-creative-for-their-good coaches / Trade Bait = Mad plays for Mike Vick. You can take that to the bank's bank.

And while I don't think he's going to get anywhere close to half or even 30% of the plays, I do know that he's going to have a much more prevalent role in short yardage and goal line situations. Plus now he's fast enough to get more than 2 yards on every run.

Don't you remember that MV7 and Jeremy Maclin were the only offense that showed up to Dallas last year?

The Donovan McNabb Era, Summed Up By A Woman

[This is from the latest Bill Simmons' mailbag.]

Q: Isn't the Eagles letting go of Donovan the ultimate "it's not, you it's me" scenario? Donovan has been dating the Eagles fans for years now. In the beginning it was exciting and risky. You never knew what he was going to do with the ball and he kept you on your toes. Like when my boyfriend liked to give me massages and surprise me with a card or a have breakfast for me. Each encounter (insert mood music) is hot and fresh. Then after 12 years you've found yourself faking moaning and hoping things get moving so you can fit in your 40 minutes of DVR before bed. I know all his moves and when he's going to high-step it two yards short of the first down. I know when he's going to throw it at DeSean's ankles. K-squared may not be perfect but at least his faults will surprise me. Donovan, it's been great. I loved the good times. But it's time to move on. It's not you, it's me.
-- Lauren

SG: Funny e-mail, concise, original angle. That's what I'm talking about! And by the way, only a woman could have summed up the McNabb Era in Philly.


I have to agree with Simmons on this one...she nailed it. I feel bad for her boyfriend though. He obviously sucks in bed.