Alleluia! Thank You Racist America!

Well, that's one less thing we need to worry about. As we all know, Madden cover = death. Thankfully, America is rather racist, still loves dogs and can't get enough of white running backs. Now our 2011 season won't be ruined (minus the still-not-quite-fixed-very-confusing lockout situation).

On another note, Hillis is fucked. Poor Cleveland, even when something goes right for them they still ultimately lose.

So Michael Vick Will Get Hurt Next Year

This isn't exactly a big surprise, but Michael Vick has made the finals of the Madden '12 cover tournament vote thing on ESPN. Normally any time an Eagles player gets some recognition nationally, I like it. Especially Vick, who whether we like it or not, is now our best player and the key to us winning anything next year. However, the last time this happened, well it wasn't exactly a good omen. I'll spare you the laundry list of shitty things that have happened to NFL players the year they graced the cover of Madden, but it was Vick in 2004 and he promptly broke his ankle. So, yea, here's to Peyton Hillis winning. (Odds Peyton Hillis wins, I draft him on my fantasy team, and he breaks both arms the next day sit currently at 1:1.)

Oh, and doesn't this kinda speak to how much people don't give a shit about the dog-killing anymore? I mean the guy is being voted by the fans to grace the cover of the most popular sports video game ever. Football > dogs, or so says America. (And don't just says it kids voting either, EVERYONE plays Madden.)

Did Someone Take a Dump in Ian Kinsler's Cereal?

So Ian Kinsler decided to take a shot at DeSean Jackson, Mike Vick and Manny Ramirez for no reason at all by saying this:

"This isn't DeSean Jackson or Michael Vick or Manny Ramirez," Kinsler said, according to Richard Durrett of ESPNDallas.com. "Michael Young is a professional. It would be completely out of his personality not to be here."

Ok, I get why he included Manny. That actually makes perfect sense. But DeSean and Vick? Neither of them have ever demanded a trade or spoke ill of their organizations. What the hell is up his cornhole? It's kind of a dick move if you ask me. If nothing else, maybe Michael Young should stick around to play some second base when Kinsler misses a quarter of the season during his yearly DL stint.


[h/t ESPN via Philly.com]

The Quintessential DeSean Jackson Punt Return Video

To whoever eaglesphillyfootball is, outstanding work. This video does an amazing job of building up the entire dramatic comeback, the return and then fan reactions - all in one nice and neat package.

Honestly, I have no idea how this video has only 538 views, apparently people haven't been searching YouTube for 'desean jackson punt return from the stands' nearly as much as I have. Again, just the depth of sports (and life) exploration that TWW goes through every single day...just for you. Enjoy.

(Best moment is at the 4:50 mark, during the fan reactions. Hilarious.)

Be Michael Vick for 1 minute 46 seconds

NFL.com posted a video of Michael Vick's helmetcam during the NFC's Pro Bowl practice earlier this week. The video immediately reminds me of the old Sega ESPN Football 2k4 game. That's the first game I remember where you could play an entire game in first-person mode. In case you never played it, that game absolutely sucked. Looking at it now, the graphics just make my face hurt. So hard to believe these graphics were 'cutting-edge' at one time.

Anyway, word is that FOX may be busting out these HD helmet cams during the actual game to garner more interest. Will it make me watch the awfulness that is the Pro Bowl? Fuck no. But I'll watch a minute long video to check it out for novelty purposes.

[WithLeather via NFL.com]

Let's Play Imagining

YouTube is brilliant. I mean, it basically told me to watch this video today...I didn't even have to look for it. Granted, it also told me to watch this video too, so I guess YouTube isn't right all the time (or is it...?).

Anyway, I had forgotten about this commercial. The first thing I thought about as I watched it though, even though it's fake, was that it sure seemed like this is was a play the REAL Michael Vick made this year. Granted he wasn't throwing to someone as physically dominating as T.O., but this video isn't too far off from the reality that was 2010 Michael Vick.

Side bar: Imagine if the Eagles had Vick instead of McNabb in 2004? I realize that McNabb had an incredible amount of success that year, and that he lead the Birds to a 13-3 record and a close Super Bowl loss. I also realize that all this Michael Vick love is based on a 9-game stretch where he looked like the greatest QB in the history of football. I know he needs to do it again, I know he has to prove this year wasn't a fluke and that he can adapt now that defenses are sure to adapt to him. HOWEVER, the Eagles offense behind Michael Vick was one of the most dynamic offense I've ever seen, they could score almost at will for those 9 games. Andy Reid obviously tutored this guy and triggered something in him (well, Andy Reid and jail) that hadn't been triggered before. He completed 62% of his passes, blowing away his former career high, and he scored 9 rushing touchdowns, a crazy amount for any QB. Imagine him with Westbrook and T.O., possibly the best two skill position players the Eagles have ever had (not that McCoy, DJax and Maclin are slouches, just sayin'). Plus the Eagles had a good offensive line then. If Reid had him earlier in his career, got him understanding how to be a real QB AND use his raw athletic gifts...well...Championship. Or maybe he needed jail the whole time to wake up. Whatever, a guy can dream.

So, if you remember nothing else about this past year, remember this: Nike made a commercial with a computer generated Michael Vick that made an incredible play that no QB could have ever made...and then the REAL Michael Vick made that play. 329 times.

Fuckin' Packers.

Mike Vick Says What We Were All Thinking

Michael Vick knows Kevin Kolb is Gone -
On if he thinks he and Kevin Kolb can co-exist like they did this year in 2011: "Me and Kevin haven't spoken about it because of our relationship. When that time comes, we'll keep it real with one another. I think ultimately it comes down to what Kevin wants to do. If he's in Philadelphia and I'm in Philadelphia and we have to work together again, everything will be okay because we always try to help each other, compete and make each other better. So I think regardless of the fact if we're together, everything is going to be just fine, and we'll have another great season it and enjoy it. I think with Kevin being the competitor that he is, if he tries to go and find a job somewhere else, I think he'll be successful doing it. And I know he wants to play. So it's just up to Kevin and what he wants to do."

It's basically up to Kevin and how much he's willing to start elsewhere.  Remember, dude was a second round pick and definitely didn't come into the league with any crazy hype.  He's played well with the chances he's been given, but to change systems and expect him to immediately shine is setting pretty high expectations.  He's probably not even 100% confident he would play well on another team.

Also of note were Vick's comments about whether or not he could be as successful elsewhere as he is in Philly, where he admitted that he "really [doesn't] think so" and that Fat Andy "just has a way of bringing out the best in me."

Jesus, just kiss already.


h/t Deadspin

Some Videos to Make You Smile

We're all pretty depressed today, but I figured I'd throw up some videos in an attempt to get some of you to smile.

Remember, the 2010 Eagles season was pretty good, for most of it anyway.











Go Birds.

Mike Vick is Taking His Talents to South Beach

First Kobe now LeBron?

Hey, if getting booed every night of your life is something you enjoy, the Miami Heat is the team to join.

Happy New Year, Michael Vick

How 'bout we win a Super Bowl, ok?

Go Birds.

The Regular Season is Dead to Me

Okay, so the Birds lost to the Joe Webb Vikings. Whatever. The Eagles are the #3 seed in the NFC regardless of what happens in week 17 and it's looking like they'll face the Green Bay Packers on January 9 in Philly for the first round of the playoffs. Not as ideal as a first round bye, but playoffs is playoffs and the cream always rises to the top.  Unless you're the 14-point dog Vikings playing an away game in Philly with zero playoff chances quarterbacked by a run-first rookie.  Dammit, I told myself I'd let it go....

So the Packers it is (probably).  As our friends over at Bleeding Green Nation pointed out yesterday, there are some silver linings here.  While our favorite hog slaughterer will sling passes to Riley Cooper and Chad Hall in a meaningless JV game against the Cowboys on Sunday, the starters' minds will be on the Packers.  The same Green Bay team that survived the first unleashing of the Michael Vick Experience in week 1. No easy task.

You know most of the talk will be about Aaron Rodgers and his poise and his arm and his concussions, but at some point it becomes pointless. The Eagles have a wack-ass defense. They're 22nd in points allowed and give up more red zone scores than a horny chick on her period.  The Packers are going to score. A lot. The key to this game will be how many cheap turnovers the Birds D can generate, and, more importantly, if the offense can actually play consistently good football.

No 4th quarter comebacks. No bullshit. I'm talking 4 straight quarters of DeSean Jackson out patterns, Jeremy Maclin crossing patterns, Shady McCoy screens, and Mike Vick fuck-this-play scrambles for 30 yards.  If they can do that, they'll win.

Fuck the Cowboys.

The One Where They Say Mike Vick Should've Been Executed

While filling in for Sean Hannity last night, Tucker Carlson decided it was a good idea to express his feelings that Michael Vick should've been EXECUTED for killing dogs. He does so in a tone of complete sincerity. I might've been worried if he didn't precede that statement with "I'm a Christian and I believe fervently in second chances..."

The whole thing was brought up during a discussion of Obama's phone call to Jeffrey Lurie to thank him for giving Michael Vick a second chance. They also left out the fact that the real reason for the phone call was to discuss the Eagles plans to power Lincoln Financial Field with alternative energy and give praise for being the first major professional sports team to put the plan in motion.


Video clip of Carlson sounding stupid after the jump.

For the record, I'm not a political guy. I not informed enough (or care enough) to break this into any type of political discussion, or discuss any of the real motives behind some of the "points" made here. It's entirely possible Carlson was speaking in hyperbole (although I don’t necessarily think he was). But even if he was, he's a dope for taking it to the extreme that he did. He should know better this would be posted as fact on every media outlet.

Me personally? I'm a simple man. One who's a big fan of common sense. There's none of it present in this clip. So way to go Tucker, at least we know you're all for second chances.

Unless dogs are hurt, of course. Then we have to cut these bitch's heads off!

[h/t Politico]

Mike Vick's First Post-Prison Endorsement

Apparently Michael isn't getting paid for this, but it's nice to see the dude finally get a commercial. I'm just surprised that used car salesmen would risk their integrity doing a spot with a convicted felon. Those guys are usually beacons for righteousness and virtue.

On a side note, is there anything better than the plain, unofficial jerseys athletes are forced to wear in non-sanctioned advertisements? I wish I had a YouTube montage of them all. I would make it myself...but I have a day job. Get it done, Unemployed America!


h/t to Deadspin

Eagles 30, Cowboys 27: Autograph Night

We're going all pictures today, kids.

So what did we learn? Andy Reid Hammer Pants, StewBrad: Out, Mike Vick is Going to Die Soon, Running to the Westside, and Splash.


Andy Reid Hammer Pants -





StewBrad: Out -

Mike Vick is Going to Die Soon -

Running to the Westside - 

Splash - 

h/t to HughE Dillon

Eagles 34, Texans 24: More Camera Talk

Papa John: Enough is Enough - As I Tweeted last night, I get a serious kick of out Papa John's current marketing campaign. You know the one: Papa John visits a family/sporting event/party, brings plenty of pizza, then shows the world that he can throw a football.

REENACTMENT!

Diane - Okay marketing team, we've been busting our humps for the entire second quarter on this concept and I think it's finally ready for air. Gary, I really love what you did with the CGI and graphics team. Terry, the actors you selected were fantastic. I really am proud of you all--

Papa John - Papa's in the hooouuuuuussse!! What the fuck is up, MARKETERS!?

Diane - Oh, uh, hi John. We were just getting ready to present our final cut of the new commercial to you toda--

Papa John - [grabs pepper off table, dips in garlic sauce, and begins chewing loudly] Eff that noise, I got an idea. Hows about you not worry about all that faggy acting and CGI stuff, and just show me slangin' high-quality Papa John pizzas, whippin' around in my Camaro, and bombing a couple footballs DEEP as SHIT??

Diane - I...but, John, we've been working on this campaign for the last two--

Papa John - GREAT, SO IT'S DONE! Call your camera people and tell them to meet me at my cousin Katie's place in the suburbs. She'll bring over people from the neighborhood, we'll talk about the freshness of my toppings, I'll gun some fifty yarders at the local kids...it'll be great.

Diane - .......as you wish, sir.

Papa John - Goddamn right! HEY -- you guys busy? I got some coke in my office if you's feel like partyin'...

What else did we learn? Unquestioned MVP, Chad Hall's Package, NFL Networst, Te-o'Nesheim,  OBEY THE LAWS, If it Ain't Broke, Jorrick Calvin, Black Egg, Kevin Kolb Reflective Thoughts Meter, and No Guarantees.

Unquestioned MVP (for now) - Phillip Rivers is having a fantastic season. As is Tom Brady. And let's not forget Dwayne Bowe's recent success and the 2010 reemergence of Matt Ryan. All of these guys should be considered candidates and are playing top-notch gridiron right now. But none of them...NONE...are touching Michael F. Vick right now.

Vick is now 6-1 this year in games he's started and finished. While the argument of whether or not he's the most valuable player to his team is open for debate (Manning, Brady, and Rivers come to mind), his 86% best-in-the-league winning percentage is not.

More numbers? Well, Mike Vick is second in the league in QB Rating (105.7). Second in the league in yards per completion (8.4). Has the fewest interceptions of any starting QB in the league (2). And while one can point out that he's only 13th in the league in yards per game (249.2), the fact that the dude only is given the 24th most attempts per game (29.8) explains the aberration.

What else am I missing...? Oh yeah, HE'S A MOTHERFUCKING RUNNING BACK, TOO.

Vick's averaging 51.9 yards per game (more than Ronnie Brown, Ryan Mathews, and Brandon Jacobs), is 10th in the league in rushing TDs (more than Ahmad Bradshaw, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Frank Gore), and has the best yards per carry of anybody with at least 30 carries (6.3).

Since the bye and his return from injury, Ookie's per game averages are: 288 passing yards, 1.8 passing TDs, a 104.9 QB Rating, 56 rushing yards, and 1 rushing TD while only turning the ball over 0.6 times a game.

Averaging 344 total yards a game the last 5 weeks? Sounds pretty Valuable to me.

Chad Hall's Package - It may be small and ineffective, but it plays its role.

While I'm not a huge fan of Danny Woodhead Chad Hall getting goal line wildcat carries, I like what the Eagles are trying to do. The goal is simply to make defenses have to think and prepare for what they do with Hall. They have a handful of plays in the Chad Hall package, most of which involve him moving from the WR spot to surprise the defense with a run play. I just KNOW Andy and Marty of saving up for an epic play-action to Hall deep pass to DeSean in the playoffs. Just another wrinkle in an already complex offensive scheme.

NFL Networst - I already hated Joe Theismann, NFL. For starters, this guys name is pronounced "THEEZman" and was only changed when he was trying to win the Heisman trophy in college. Not only did he NOT win the Heisman, but he kept the pronunciation...which places him squarely in "eternal clown" territory. Also, he's a part of the NFL meathead commenterratti with other over-emotional and under-intelligent talking heads like Jamie Dukes, Mike Ditka, and Terry Bradshaw. He's terrible.

Then the NFL adds in Matt Millen, who is like an un-lovable version of John Madden. Which basically means he's a hulking moron without the rings or "Madden Football" fame to back up anything he's saying. Pair those two with play-by-play announcer X and you get a near unlistenable NFL broadcast.

WTF did we do to deserve this? Doesn't the NFL make enough money to get better people on Thursday nights? Why not make Rich Eisen and Deion call the game? At least then there's a chance Deion could say something YouTube-able to make the evening interesting.

Te-o'Nesheim - is the WORST. Rookie DE Daniel Te'o-Nesheim should never have been drafted even close to the third round. I only remember seeing him in for a couple of plays, and when I watched him stuff like THIS happened (watch him at the bottom of the screen). I love your name, and would love for you to make plays if only to hear announcers fuck up the pronunciation and giggle about it for several minutes afterward. But it doesn't look like you're fit for an NFL field at all. Either Danny Te-'o-Errible needs to hit the weight room and add some serious strength, or the Birds need to send dude to the practice squad, post haste.

OBEY THE LAWS - That's our boy! It's no secret that we here at TheWizWit are huge Trevor Laws fans, so it was great to see him make a crucial play Thursday. It doesn't appear that he's still rocking the mustache, but I guess the power is just coming from his Tarzan/Geico caveman hair. OBEY THE LAWS!

If it Ain't Broke - The Eagles ran pretty much the same exact play for their first and last touchdowns. Rolling Vick to his left with a RB in the flat looking for the dump-off. Vick's speed makes this place simple and effective.

Jorrick Calvin - I think he's STILL dancing in the end zone right now. It was holding, Jorrick. Sorry.

Black Egg -

(Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

Kevin Kolb Reflective Thoughts Meter -

No Guarantees - After playing with ESPN's Playoff Machine for a while yesterday, I came to a very obvious conclusion: it would be really easy for the Eagles to miss this years' playoffs. While we're all feeling good about the things Vick and this young group have been able to achieve, we mustn't forget that the team is still on thin ice. Due to losses to the Packers and Bears, and the impressive records of the Falcons, Saints, and Bucs, the Eagles damn near have to play perfectly for the rest of the way to make a serious playoff run. The remaining schedule goes like this: Cowboys, Giants, Vikings, and Cowboys. A loss to the Giants and one of the other teams? Philadelphia may be watching postseason from home.

But don't let my Debbie Down-ness get to you.  Next up are the Cowboys in 9 days.

Go Birds.

Eagles 26, Bears 31: Cutler Lives!

The NFL is Fixed - So Asante Samuel inadvertently makes contact with another players' helmet during a shoulder tackle and gets fined $40,000 while Andre Johnson only gets $25,000 for RIPPING OFF A DUDES HELMET AND PUNCHING HIM TWICE IN THE HEAD? I understand the caps lock is a bit leading, but check it, even in lowercase it's crazy. he got into a fistfight during the game, ripped off the other guys helmet, and successfully beat him about the face and head. Twenty-five K and no suspension? Crazy.

Well, maybe not that crazy. The NFL has a nationally-televised only-game-in-town to sell on its network this Thursday. And they couldn't have the lowly Texans going into this game without their best player, could they? I mean, who knows how quickly the game could be over without him? They needed to keep this whole "rage-fueled fistfight" incident low-key and under-penalized because, hey, the Texans need all the help they can get to make a date with the Eagles in Philly an attractive national matchup. And the NFL needs as many eyeballs on the screen to secure those fat ad revenue checks. Keep dancin' for that money, ho!

I've said it before: the NFL is fucking rigged. Gosh danget do I love the First Amendment.

What else did we learn? Tackling, Quentin Mikell is in Michael Lewis Territory, Bears Stretched Us Out, Give Cutler Credit, Come Back Asante, Moose Your Suit Looks Ridiculous, Fix Yo Field, and Blame the O-Line.


Tackling - The Birds defense played like butt(er scrapple). While it fits to point the finger at the secondary for Exhibits A and B, the majority of the problems on defense were with tackling. Devin Hester bubble screens for 39? Matt Forte up the gut for 61? You're poopin me, right?

Listen, I know Andy Reid. Big Red and I are like Britt Reid and Oxycontin (only I'm not smuggled in his asshole). Andy Reid chewed out the kids because they showed a lack of effort. Team awareness was, like, a 65. Solution? TACKLESCHOOL! When a good team loses like this one did on Sunday, it's time to get back to basics.

Quentin Mikell is in Michael Lewis Territory - Remember Michael Lewis? Neither do I. Quentin Mikell is well on his way to being sent to the barren wasteland of Candlestick park along with other zombie Eagles like Westbrook and Lewis. Missed tackles, poor coverage, slow pursuit of runaway runningbacks -- it doesn't look good for the lone veteran of an otherwise young team. The blame last year was placed squarely on the shoulders of then-rookie now-Redskin Macho Harris, but even then there were visible cracks in Mikell's armor. This year -- now playing alongside a much more capable Nate Allen -- it looks like we may need to draft another Safety early next year. Allen hasn't been perfect, but you can't point the finger at the rookie again this season.

Bears Stretched Us Out - I HATE the stretch play. HATE IT. Why? Because the Eagles are TURRIBLE as defending the thing. With the middle of the defense having exponentially improved through addition by subtraction (MINUS Bunkley PLUS Dixon), the Bears were smart to exploit the edges. While the Eagles certainly don't lack team speed, their featherweight coverage-only corners can't tackle. Kudos to Chicago for reaching into the Patriots 2004 beat-the-Eagles playbook.

Give Cutler Credit - As Eagles fans it's easy for us to say our defense didn't do this or our defense didn't do that, but what Cutler did speaks for itself. 247 yards, 4 touchdowns, and ZERO picks for a 146.2 rating. Yes, yes, our defense failed to do this/that, but Jay took advantage, and won them the game while putting up some gaudy numbers.

Come Back Asante -

Moose Your Suit Looks Ridiculous -

For real though, a tie...AND an ascot...AND a pocket square. All inside of a suit that looks like he plays for the Business Yankees. You win, Daryl "Silky" Johnston.

Fix Yo Field - Yada, yada, yada, here is a picture of 1 and a half hot Asian girls in mud! Let's hope we don't have a game in Chicago come playoff time.

Blame the O-Line - I think a large part of this loss has to be blamed on the offensive line. They were downright offensive!

...I'm sorry.

Anyway, when a unit receives as much praise as this group has over the past several weeks, it's important not to overlook them when it comes to passing blame. Sure, maybe Vick held the ball too long. Sure, maybe it was the receivers' fault for not getting open in time. Whatever it is one can say to defend our overachieving O-line, all you have to do is look at the tape to see how badly the Birds were losing the battle at the line of scrimmage. I'm guessing they felt overconfident coming off a great performance against the vaunted Giants line and underestimated a under-appreciated Bears group. They've got more than Peppers, apparently.

Next up is Houston on Thursday at home. Can't lose, won't lose (Harlem shake).

Go Birds!

Eagles 27, Giants 17: Is This Awkward?

Green Man-Eating Monsters - The Eagles official site's splash page this week was right on point. Instead of focusing on Michael Vick like everyone else in the world, PhiladelphiaEagles.com managed to emphasize the defense's ability this year to generate turnovers. The Birds are now #1 in the league in turnover ratio at +20, having recovered 2 fumbles and intercepting Manning Eli 3 times Sunday night. Baby Peyton Manning was right: those big green monsters really are all about the flying brown pig.

What else did we learn? Eff the Terrorists, Jaaaaasoooooonnnnn..., Toughest Competition, Jason Peters and Todd Herremans Won the Game, Beating the Best, The Manningface Meter, Run Stoppers, and Da Bears are Turrible.


Eff the Terrorists - You wanna know how I spent my football Sunday?

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Jaaaaasoooooonnnnn... -There's a 350lb man with a stained kelly green Eagles sweatshirt who lays back in his recliner every Sunday with hoagie meat on his breath scratchily yelling "C'MON I COULD'VE MADE THAT CATCH!" This would be the only time that man was ever right.  This game could have and should have been a blowout, but due to the Eagles' continued problems scoring in the red zone, we were sweating deep into the fourth quarter.  Seriously though, Jason Avant, you've gotta make that catch.

Toughest Competition - Take a peek at the rest of the schedule. Chicago, Houston, Dallas, New York, and Minnesota. The Giants easily have the best defense of those teams and quite possibly showed the Birds their toughest test of the season. The Bears, while no slouch on D, are overrated and don't have the athletes the Giants possess. This was the best offense in the league against the best defense in the league, and we won.

Jason Peters and Todd Herremans Won the Game - Watch the 4th and 1 LeSean McCoy play again. ESPN was quick to give a bunch of credit to Mike Vick for not completely bobbling the ball and getting it to Shady in time, but the majority of the credit needs to be given to Jason Peters and Todd Herremans for the two tremendous blocks on the outside that allowed LeSean to break free. Sure, JP is a penalty machine and Herremans was chop-blocking the shit outta the G-men all game, but they came up when they needed to and won the game for the Birds.

Beating the Best - Did you know that the Eagles lead the league in wins over teams with winning records? I sure didn't until I saw this post from Bleeding Green Nation yesterday. The Eagles have 4 wins over winning teams, beating the Giants (6-4), Falcons (8-2), Colts (6-4), and Jaguars (6-4) this season. Probably should have beaten the Titans, too...but that's for another time. Next up -- the 7-3 Bears.

The Manningface Meter -

Run Stoppers -  Against the Eagles:

Thank you, Antonio Dixon.

Da Bears are Turrible - They are not nearly as good as their 7-3 record and I fully expect the Eagles to win this game. If Jay Cutler plays like Jay Cutler, I expect plenty of turnovers and an easy win for the Good Guys. The Bears have had a defensive resurgence this year, but they're still susceptible to the big play and lack the offensive firepower to scare many teams. Hester is a wildcard on special teams (and at WR with his speed) and Peppers is a great weapon on D, but, really, are any of you looking at this game as a possible loss? I'm overconfident, sure, but after beating Colts, Skins, and Giants in successive weeks, the Bears look ripe for a Vick-style asswhooping.

Go Birds.

Eagles 59, Redskins 28: The Quarterback Prototype

Madden 2004 - It happened. The promise of Michael Vick's full potential was fulfilled this Monday night in Landover, Maryland. You know the stats: 20/28 for 333 yards passing, 4 passing touchdowns, 80 yards rushing, and 2 rushing touchdowns. Yes, this changes everything.

ESPN may have the Falcons at #1 on their Power Rankings this week, but they were beaten handedly by the Eagles less than a month ago with a backup quarterback. NFL fans are now realizing that they are literally witnessing football history on a weekly basis. Mike Vick is undefeated in any game he has started and finished. He has zero interceptions. He has zero lost fumbles. He's running a very complex offensive scheme with absolute ease. He's piloting the leagues most explosive offense to new heights in a year where most of the Super Bowl favorites have been grounded. Shit, the Pro Football Hall of Fame even requested Vick's jersey from Monday night. This is big. This is historic. This is Madden 2004.

Michael Vick is in a position to make one of the greatest comebacks in sports history. A mercenary field general with a cannon arm and a killer instinct is leading a team of talent-drenched kids through the NFL jungle. Neither NFL golden boy Peyton Manning nor friendly foe Donovan McNabb could stop them. What exactly are we witnessing here?

With 7 weeks remaining in the regular season and so much left unanswered, this story is far from over. But as of now, if this Philadelphia Eagles team can stay healthy, it looks like there is a legitimate shot of Michael Vick -- the same man who spent 2 years in prison and last year running 2-yard wildcat plays -- hoisting the Lombardi trophy.

The NFL: Where Amazing Happens.

What else did we learn? LaRon Landry Got His, Dimitri Patterson's Hands are Sticky, Jerome Harrison: Karma Police, Beat 'em After a Bye, Steve Young: Critic turned Believer, How to Beat Vick, Andy Reid Back Pats, Mike Vick Head Explosion Meter, DeSean's Record, Worst to First, and Fuck the Giants.


LaRon Landry Got His - You talk shit before a game to a player/team that's better than you and you get what you deserve. Some things are fair game in the verbal confrontations that proceed an NFL kickoff. Brain-threatening concussions aren't one of them. That's why it was so gratifying to see that shit-talking, center-spitting asshole get his on play numero uno. Suck it, #30.

Dimitri Patterson's Hands are Sticky - I really hope teams keep testing this guy. There are reasons beyond a hip flexor as to why Ellis Hobbs' buttcheeks are warming bench every Sunday. Dimitri Patterson is pretty good. In each of the last two games, Patterson has been tested by top-flight quarterbacks and has made them pay. A fantastic game against Reggie Wayne last week and two INTs and a pick six on Monday. I love DP! Wait....

Jerome Harrison: Karma Police - Eleven carries for 109 yards (9.9 avg) and a TD. Nothing in this life is free, Cleveland. You can't just go around stealing awesome runningbacks and not have a trade come back to bite you in the ass at some point. The universe has a way of keeping itself in balance, so consider the Mike Bell for Jerome Harrison exchage payback for what you did to Denver.

Beat 'em After a Bye - You mean to tell me the Redskins had two weeks to prepare for that ass-whooping on Monday? That's the best McNabb and Shanahan could do in TWO WEEKS!? Haaaahahahahahaha.

Steve Young: Critic turned Believer - I watched the whole 12-hour ESPN pre-programming for this weeks Monday Night Football game. During several of their 700 segments, it was apparent that Hall of Fame QB Steve Young was critical of Michael Vick and his (former) style of play. It was obvious to any Eagles fan that Steve either hadn't watched much of the Birds this season or that he was threatened by the success by another left-handed running QB, but immediately after the game he was Vick's #1 cheerleader. Young called Vick's performance "a transformational moment," "the full fruition of the position," and "one of the most defining games at quarterback I’ve ever seen." Think he's a fan now?

How to Beat Vick - Another thing Steve Young managed to point out was the difference in game planning for Vick opposing teams must go through now that they didn't have to when he was a Falcon. The rule of thumb was to spy him, make your defensive ends hold their position, and force him to throw from the pocket. The Eagles were actually great at this and that's part of the reason why they often contained Vick in their former battles. Nowadays, things are much different.

As Young mentioned, you may want to completely flip your game planning strategy now for Mr. Mexico. Instead of forcing him to stay in the pocket (where he had a perfect 158.3 QB rating on Monday), you may want to force him to run. Sure, you're going to give up big chunks of yards and lots of underneath passes, but you're saving yourself from the back-breaking deep passes that have murdered teams thus far this year. Let him run and try to get good licks on him when he doesn't go out of bounds -- the dude has already admitted he won't ever slide. This is the only way to contain MV7 at the moment, and if the Giants are smart, this'll be what they look to do Sunday night.

Andy Reid Back Pats - The team was ripe for a big letdown on the road after a big home win against Peyton Manning and the Colts, but came through and dominated a tough divisional opponent. They didn't even start practicing until last Thursday! Andy Reid and the rest of the coaches deserve some serious credit here, especially since we give him so much shit when things don't work out well. If they can pull off a convincing win against the Giants, Big Red better be getting at least a HJ from wifey this week.

Mike Vick Head Explosion Meter -

DeSean's Record - That 88-yard opening play touchdown was actually the longest reception of DeSean's career. And, you know, he's had a lot of long ones. #Pause

Worst to First -

Yeah, just let that marinate in through your thoughtsicles for a while.

Fuck the Giants - I mean, really. Fuck the Giants.

I live and work in New York, and the only thing more annoying than the pervasive urine smell and expensive rent are Giants fans. Sure, I've met a few good-natured ones here and there that can have an intelligent conversation concerning the NFC East and can predict outcomes objectively, but for the most part they're just as delusional and homer-d out as many Philly fans. C'mon guys, your city has two teams of which yours is the worst, and you're trying to tell me Eli Manning is better than Michael Vick right now? You must've inhaled too much hobo urine, buddy. I'm taking cash and desktop wallpaper bets all week. Get ready to get blown out like your sisters boyfriends hair.

Go Birds.

Unbelievable

It's kinda hard to put this into words right now. As I sit here it's currently 59-21 and Michael Vick probably just had the best game any QB has ever had. Ever. I really don't think I'm going out on much of a limb when I say that. The guy just became the first NFL QB to throw for 300+, rush for 50+, throw four TDs and run for two...EVER. Like in the history of the NFL. Steve Young never did that. Fran Tarkenton didn't do it. Nor did Randall or McNabb (but he did get $40M guaranteed). And the most impressive fact of it? He did it in only three quarters.

When Vick starts (and finishes) a game, the Eagles are 4-0. They move the ball seemingly at will, running the "West Coast" offense (or at least Andy's version of it) probably better than even Andy ever thought it could be run. It's hard to find a fault with what this Vick-led Eagles team has done so far. This really is a very good football team right now, plain and simple.

It's still hard to believe that we're here now talking about Michael Vick, dominating the NFL, as a member of the Philadelphia Eagles. If you described this exact scenario, three years ago, to any Eagles fan you would have been laughed at, then had beer dumped on you. Now? This scenario may just end with the Eagles winning a whole lot more than we ever thought possible.

Michael Vick just delivered an all-time performance. Crazy. And awesome. And...unbelievable.

Go Birds.

Eagles 26, Colts 24: What the WHAT!?

The NFL is Rigged - The spread was +3 for the Colts. The Colts were down 9 points late in the fourth quarter. Something needed to change.

Fast forward to 4th and 18. Last chance for the defending AFC champs. Trent Cole bursts off the line, and although Peyton Manning does a solid job of keeping cool in a closing pocket, the self-proclaimed Quarterback Hunter gets to the 4-time MVP and takes him down. Sack. Game blouses.

Oh wait, no, it isn't. Why? BECAUSE THE NFL IS RIGGED.

I can deal with the call in the first half on the Austin Collie hit. I can deal with the terrible defensive interference on Dimitri Patterson. There was a blurry line for each of those and it can be understood why the refs would call them how they did. But the 4th and 18 call was all-too blatant. In that fraction of time when the yellow hankie went flying in Trent Cole's direction for ACCIDENTLY TOUCHING THE BACK OF PEYTON MANNING'S HELMET, the 4th wall for me was dropped and I saw the awful truth. The NFL is rigged folks. It just is.

Fuck it, we won. Unless you bet the Eagles...cause then you lost.

What else did we learn? Vince Vaughn Was There, Why Challenge?, Booing While Freeze-handed Motionless Guy is on Field Should Replace Snowball Santa, Oh No, Nate!, CBS: NFC = WCW, Michael Vick's Arm is Stupid, Andy Reid was a Giant Child, and Countdown to Showdown.


Vince Vaughn Was There -

How bout that shit, eh? For some reason, I have this feeling that real-life Vince Vaughn is like Chappelle-show Wayne Brady. Something in his 4am cocaine rage eyes tell me so.

Why Challenge? - I'm really starting to believe that Andy Reid is a lot more emotional than we give him credit for. We generally don't consider Big Red an emotional guy, with all of his throat-clearing and baritone press conference nothingtalk. But think about when he's in pressure situations -- the dudes makes incredibly brash and emotional decisions. It's 3rd and 8 in the beginning of the second quarter and he wastes a timeout by challenging a play where Reggie Wayne clearly catches the ball. Why? Because of his emotional reaction to a close play and an outburst from the crowd. It's either that or because he's a moron. And Andy Reid isn't a moron..........right?

And why couldn't we challenge the Collie concussion/fumble? Because you wasted that timeout already, Fatty Mormon. Speaking of Austin Collie...

Booing While Freeze-handed Motionless Guy is on Field Should Replace Snowball Santa - WAY more cold-blooded. Asante Samuel freaking out, the entirety of the Eagles Defense and coaching staff yelling at the refs while the crowd erupts in a booing frenzy...that shit was timeless. Snowball Santa is for vajayjay's!

Oh No, Nate! - According to Twitter (which has never lied to me), Rookie Safety Nate Allen is probably out of Monday's game against Benchtime McBurgundy and the Washington Racistnames with a neck sprain. While Kurt Coleman should do okay in his place, this team is certainly worse without the quietly prolific Allen playing the outfield.

CBS: NFC = WCW - I love the split between CBS and FOX. Because CBS is the AFC station and FOX is the NFC station, the slant/spin each network spews fourth concerning their respective conferences is laughable. It's kinda like listening to a WWF commentator making comments about "the other guys" (WCW) in the 1990's. Jim Nantz and Phil Simms spent at least two hours of yesterday's game verbally fellating the Colts. Oh, Shady McCoy breaks a big run up the gut? It's probably because of injuries to the Colts defense. What's this? Vick throws an errant pass incomplete to DeSean Jackson? It's probably due to that vaunted Colts defense. CBS needs to get more fair and balanced in their NFC coverage. Fair and balanced like, you know, Fox.

Michael Vick's Arm is Stupid - It's like a goddamn retard. Sixty yards in the air hitting DESEAN JACKSON in stride. Although it feels good to many to hate him for his past, we should all be appreciating Mike Vick in his prime. He's got the arm, learned how to play sound and throw accurately learning under Reid and Mornigwheg, and at 30 he's still got the jets. Really, just look at his body of work this season and ask yourself if he's not the prototype of the perfect quarterback. This was the guy Atlanta thought they'd have with him at 30, they just didn't expect him to go to jail for two years and come out doing it for the Eagles.

Andy Reid was a Giant Child -

Hahahahahahahaha, full video here. At least nobody can say he didn't throw that shit far. I'm impressed even for a Greg Oden-like monster child such as Andy.  Please please pleeeease make giant baby Andy Reid the new internet meme.  Him and all-white Kobe can sit on a bench with sad Keanu or something.  I'm looking at you, WithLeather.

Countdown to Showdown - Forget the Redskins...we got that game (JINX!). The real test is in two weeks against Manning Lite and the New York Giants. Believe it or not, the Giants are looking like the best team in the league right now, having racked up 5 straight victories in impressive fashion. The Eagles are now at relative full strength, and have the weapons to be a dominant force in this league. One of these two teams will win the division and have a great shot at NFC supremacy. Should be a good one. I have a feeling there may be another Desktop Wallpaper Bowl happening soon....

Go Birds.