Afternoon Links: Stay Fancy This Weekend

Is Charlie Sheen Dead? - Is now officially its own website. Keep smokin' coke and banging porn stars, Charlie. You're a hero to us all. [Buzzfeed]

Dazed and Confused Rapped in 120 Seconds - White dudes are killing it lately with the fast rapping -- I'm just glad somebody is putting it to good use. If you like the movie you must watch this. If only Mystikal were alive to hear guys rapping this fast. Oh, he still is? Oh. [Flavorwire]

Iggy Pop's Torso is Sad - So, so sad. [Skull Swap]

Dumbest Reviews of Classic Movies - According to the New York Times, Godfather II "recalls how much better [the] original film was." [TruTV]

Masturbating Animals - Yes, there is a web site dedicated solely to masturbating animals. Somewhere, your family is disappointed in you. [Asylum]

The Greatest Break-Up Letter Ever - Gets even better with its' dramatic reading. Hilarious. [YTMND]

Zach Morris Smells Pot - Do you smell it? [Skull Swap]

Man Sues For Unsatisfying BJ - Obviously this was a terrible idea. Everyone knows the only way to get justice in the sex industry is a 4am unmarked desert grave. [True Crime Report]

Gorilla Walks Upright Like a Man - Cause all the bitches love a biped, creationists be damned. [Daily Intel]

Eagles Fans Most Depressed in NFL - Listen, I've only cut myself twice over Birds' games. I think I'm fine, thank you. [My Fox Philly]

Afternoon Links: Jordan's Handshake Will Drain Your Melanin

Guy Breaks Into Car and Leaves Note Behind - Here's the kicker - he was just letting the rightful owner know he left love stains in his backseat [RegretfulMorning]

Michael Jackson was at the Lakers game the other night - Prince Michael Jackson that is.  Oh and George Lopez too if you're into that.  [TMZ]

Horrible Choices in Tattoos Alert - This guy's back looks like some punk's denim jacket in the '80s [inlinethumb24]

The Best Limo Ever - Now get your meat hooks off me. [oHAYthur]

Man Lays on Tracks and Films Train Passing Over Him - Do it face up next time, ya pansy [Gizmodo] 

68 photos of Olivia Munn - I don't really need to sell you on this, do I?  [buzzfeed]

Afternoon Links: Lowered Expectations

How To Crack a Credit Card Number - Oh, we mean "validate a credit card with your mind" not steal people's shit. [loneiguana]

The State of the Internet - Lots of fun stats - how about the fact 89% of all E-mails sent in 2010 were SPAM  [Focus]

Taco Bell Crime of the Week - $5M lawsuit claiming Taco Bell is using fake beef.  Complete with a side of anti-dusting agent.  [OCweekly]

How To Knit a 'Smitten' - Spoiler alert: It's a mitten sewn together so you and your equally despicable companion can hold hands and stay warm at the same time.  Also, you should drown each other.  [cocoknits]

Teen Stabs Man Over Stinky Feet - First a serial farter and now smelly feet?  Insult stabbings are way up this month.  [UPI]

Chaz Bono Had Breast Removal Surgery, Wants to Look Like Michael Chiklis - Okay, well when is Michael Chiklis' breast removal surgery then? [E! Online]

Afternoon Links: The Gatekeeper

Jeff Passan: Spring Training Preview - Passan compares the Phils to the Miami Heat.  Minus the egos, dickishness, and national hatred.  [Yahoo]

Surfer rides 30 foot waves at Hawaii's most notorious reef break in the complete darkness of night. - This video totally reminds me of the last scene of Point Break. Johnny Utah is waiting on that beach to bring you down, brah.  [The Grind TV Blog]

Flavor Flav To Open Iowa Chicken Place - This dude is the personification of coonery. [Yahoo]

The Chinese Play Us All for Fools - So the Chinese pianist who played during President Hu's trip to the White House played an anti-American propaganda song and their whole country is laughing at us. [Althouse]

Yes, Yes, Mike Tomlin Looks Like Omar Epps - Deal with it. [MediaTakeOut]

Speaking Of Deal With It - Oh, Gucci. Amberlamps, Amberlamps, 911, 911. [Gif Party]

Real-Life Peter Griffin - The green pants may be photoshopped, but this is still a winner. [The Whoa]

Best Video Game Induced Slap of All Time - And it happened to an infant. I love the delayed reaction of the child from "what the hell happened" to "I probly should start crying". [WSHH]

Whiskey in a Can - 12oz of whiskey in a can. The company says it's "the perfect size to be shared between 3 people." Goddamn I love this country. This is perfect for those get-drunk-fast situations i.e. football games, long train rides, in line for a club, marital strife, etc. [Gawker]

Afternoon Links: Well I Guess They Are Playing Like Poo(h)

Knock-Off American Sports Apparel In Bangladesh Is Magnificent - I think we found where Tupac is hiding! The guy who took this picture also cites seeing Green Bay Dolphins caps and New York Sox t-shirts. Gotta love the third world. [Deadspin]

New Japanese Fashion: LED Lights for Your Teeth - And grills were stupid? At least diamonds and gold are worth something.[NYT]

Did Obama Dye His Hair? - Awww shit gettin the jet black back to look fresh for the Chinese President. Don't think we didn't notice, Barry. [Gawker]

George Clooney Caught Malaria in Sudan - Then shrugs the shit off like it's nothing. America! [TMZ]

Video of Dog Killing Rats in Washington Square Park - A somewhat cute dog murders the hell out of rats in the famous NYC park. Feel kinda bad for the rats, actually. [DoobyBrain]

A Portrait Of Hyper-Urbanization: Shanghai 1990 vs. Shanghai 2010 - I had no idea a city could look that dramatically different in 20 years. Get on it, Philly. [io9]

Ron Swanson's Pyramid of Greatness - Even if you don't watch Parks & Recreation and understand how fantastic Ron Swanson is, his sage advice still rings true. Crying: Acceptable only at funerals and the Grand Canyon. [Buzzfeed]

The Craziest Fishing Frenzy Imaginable - This is a lot like how my dad taught me how to fish. Only we had several thousand less people, no wicker baskets, more clothes, actual bait, and we didn't begin with a gunshot. [Neatorama]

Afternoon Links: Science Finally Offers Good Advice

Bitches Love Science - Can't wait to cop that new Bill Nye x Lil Wayne mixtape. [Failblog]

Farts May Lead To Stabbings - I always knew the rules of "Whoever smelt it dealt it" would lead to a grizzly murder. [TheSchoolPhilly via Gothamist]

Tween Girl Sucks Helium, Falls into Table - Damn, helium did you like THAT? The nitrous balloon she'll try in college should be pretty funny. [The Daily What]

Baseball's Greatest Porn Names - Royce Pussington wins hands-down. Pussington! [TedWilliamsHead via Bugs&Cranks]

I Don't Care About Politics So Obama Shouldn't Care About Sports - Get 'em, Reis. [The Onion]

The Best Cardboard Box-Related Rap Song of 2011 - Maybe of all time. Don't wanna get ahead of myself, though. [VideoSift]

Afternoon Links: I Hope You Slowly Drown While a Giant Octopus Eats Your Yacht

$1bn Streets of Monaco Yacht a Floating City- Fuck you, billionaire who plans on building this. Love, Non-Billionaire Humans Everywhere. [News.com.au]

Wikileaks cable about UFOs revealed? - Yes, UFOs exist. And the Government wants Department of Defense employees to shut the fuck up about it. [io9]

Guy Asks for Million Dollars on YouTube and Gets It - I guess all it takes to become a millionaire is persistence, internet access, and some rich showoff with a sense of humor to give it to you [The Daily What]

Deadspin's AJ Daulerio Featured in GQ - I'm not sure whether I'm happy, jealous, or angry. Sure, we've sent stuff to Deadspin that they've used without giving us credit. But I'm no hater. Congrats, asshole. [GQ]

Kanye West To Have Gay Sex in Movie Role - I'm sure the Hip Hop community will be thoughtful and understanding about his acting asperations. Or call him a faggot. Either one Probably both. [Huffington Post]

Watch Dozens Of Cars Crash On Iciest Hill Ever - Not sure why we love seeing cars go smash. But we love seeing cars go smash. [Jalopnik]

Most Creative Contract Clauses of Offseason - MLB players had a bunch of silly things written into their contracts this year.  $50k for J.C. Romero if he wins a Silver Slugger?  What do you mean he hasn't had an at bat since 2003? [ESPN]

Afternoon Links: Natalie Portman is a Dork

Natalie Portman Cracks Herself Up - This is equal parts cute and annoying. I still love you, girl. [DListed]

Cuba Shoots its First Zombie Movie - It's called Juan of the Dead. I shit you not. [BBC News]

Kid Possessed By Micheal Jackson Kills It for the Jumbotron - Not like there's anything else to do during Bobcats games. [The Chive]

Things Real People Don't Say About Advertising - I've had real-life meetings about this kinda stuff at work. I'm now depressed. [Digg]

Texting Woman Falls into Mall Fountain - Give her some credit on the casual walk away. [Asylum]

If Madden Player Ratings Were More Detailed - Flacco gets a 100 for Poise and Calm, but he really needs to do something about his Eyebrows rating. [Sports Pickle]

White Kid Raps Really Fast - More importantly he makes it seem effortless while having solid lyrical content. And you gotta trust my opinion here. I'm black. [Buzzfeed]

Afternoon Links: You Have the World's Dumbest Arm

Full-Arm Louis Vuitton tattoo - Never before have I so wanted to rip someone's arm off and beat them to death with it. [DoobyBrain]

World Eskimo-Indian Olympics: Ear Pulling Competition - Exactly what it sounds like. Eskimo women + string / ears = blood and pain. [DoobyBrain]

Feeding Homeless People Banned in Houston - Watch out... you'll get ya fingers bit!  [YouTube]

The Greatest JV Football Motivation Speech Ever - Sure, he's inspirational. But I'm pretty sure most inspirational speeches aren't read from a print-out. [Don Chavez]

81% of Americans Support Medical Marijuana - Blah blah blah weed. [Digg]

1950's Housewife on Acid Trip - "I wish I could talk in Technicolor."  Don't we all, sweety.  [Huffington Post]

Attractive People Have Higher IQs - Yep.  I'm smarter than you, too. [The Awl]

Bears Fan in Striped Overalls - And this guy definitely has a low IQ [30fps]

Afternoon Links: Let's All Bid on This Man

Texas high school unveils new, bright red turf - This field hurts my face. [Yahoo]

White people rapping. Poorly. - A site devoted to white people embarrassing themselves.  Great. [Tumblr]

Destinations for Kevin Kolb - Mel Kiper comes up with 5 destinations for Kevin Kolb and what each team would likely surrender for his interceptions services. [BleedingGreenNation]

Quiz time! Would you be able to stay NCAA eligible? - I'd totally scoop up all the monies thrown at me.  [MidwestSportsFans]

Eating fruit makes you more attractive than getting a tan - In other news, research money is completely wasted.  [MNN]

Phillies sign former #1 over pick - He also tore his armpit muscle throwing an octopus.  For real. [Hardballtalk]