Does This Look Like the Face of a Lawyer Getting Sued By Parents for Photoshopping Fake Kiddie Porn?

Threat Level - An Ohio lawyer who serves as an expert witness in child pornography cases might be on the hook for hundreds of thousands of dollars in civil damages for Photoshopping courtroom exhibits of children having sex. Attorney Dean Boland purchased innocent pictures of four juvenile girls from a Canadian stock-image website, and then digitally modified them to make it appear as if the children were engaged in sexual conduct. Boland was an expert witness for the defense in half-a-dozen child porn cases, and he made the mock-ups to punctuate his argument that child pornography laws are unconstitutionally overbroad because they could be applied to faked photos. Now, a federal appeals court decision (.pdf) is reinstating a civil lawsuit by the parents of two of the girls, potentially putting Boland on the hook for a minimum $300,000 plus legal costs.

"But it was for legal purposes!" Whatever, Creepy. Really, has there ever been a more amazing scam by a child porn enthusiast to legally perform his craft? I know, I'll go to law school, pass the bar, then I can dedicate my entire life to defending pedderasses all while photoshopping some kick-ass naked children pics! It's actually quite genius.

I just have this weird picture in my head of this dude alone at the public library late at night with glasses on, sweating as he so delicately edits some little boys' penis. "No, Dean...it's not good enough yet. You need better lighting effects..."

Sportsdome: 8 Year-Old Cancer Patient Phillies Fan Gets Last Wish to Heckle David Wright

"I hope he gets cancer like me." Classic.

Although the second episode of The Onion's new Comedy Central show Sportsdome was more disappointing than the first, irrational Phillies fanaticism got a full segment. Can't give it a bad rating now I guess.

"I hate how he smiles like he's playing to win friends. Just play, Scumbag."

Live Action Simpsons Porn? Live Action Simpsons Porn.

Safe for work preview for the new Hustler DVD The Simpsons -- The XXX Parody. You guessed it: Moe fucks Cookie Kwan.

Seems like Flanders might get some butt, too.


h/t The Daily What

The Video of a Hawk Eating a Pigeon on Top of a Car on Market Street You've Been Waiting For

Gotta love some real-life animal kingdom shit going on right in the middle of the city.

What I don't get is why there is such a double standard for how we humans react to animal slaughter. If this hawk had torn the head off, say, a squirrel -- every female passer-by would be disgusted and feel pity for the furry guy. But because it's a headless pigeon, it's funny.

And does a large bird tearing apart and eating a smaller bird count as cannibalism? I, a 6'6" black man, couldn't just walk down Market Street and rip the head off a smallish Asian man and devour his carcass on a Chrysler Sebring. When the hawk does it it's "cool" and "viral". When I do it it's "murderous" and "wrong".

Double standards.


h/t Philebrity

Tony Dungy Still Looks like a Bald Count Chocula

Whenever I see this man, I'm intensely compelled to hiss "Vaaaa, VAAAAA!" at my TV screen.

WHY ARE HIS EARS LIKE THAT!? He looks like Nosferatu in blacklightbrownface.

2010 Eagles Flight Night: Injury Odds!

Eagles "Flight Night" is tomorrow and to commemorate the second year of this profit-generating glorified practice, we're placing odds on injuries to your favorite players!

As you may recall, the birds lost their starting MLB at last years event to an ACL injury. Maybe it was the curse of Jim Johnson. Maybe it was karma's revenge on an organization that tries to squeeze every last dime from a championship-starved fanbase. Whatever the reason, StewBrad went down and with him so did the Eagles' defensive ferociousness.

So how bout Flight Night 2010? Lets go to the odds-makers!

Cornelius Ingram
Knee injury - 1:1
Ankle injury - 2:1
Injured pride from losing job to dude named Clay - 3:2

 

Max-Jean Gilles
Exploding lap-band gross eew - 10:1
Breast cancer - 50:1

Victor Abiamiri
Getting re-reinjured while standing on sidelines - 4:1

Andy Reid
EPIC HEART ATTACK - 20:1
Oxycontin overdose - 200:1

DeSean Jackson
Back injury - 15:1
Twisted ankle from 'Jerkin' - 25:1
Crashing Porsche into facility - 55:1

Trent Cole
"High" motor reset to "Average" motor - 60:1

Brent Celek
Over abundance of Captain in him - 40:1

Stewart Bradley
Re-injured Knee - 15:1
Insufficient Swagger - 5:1

Mike Vick
Herpes flare-up - 10:1

Kevin Kolb
Rotator cuff injury from throwing too many perfect and awesome slants - 30:1

Riley Cooper
Raw buttock from everyone kissing his ass - 2:1

Todd Herremans
Raped in his own shady-ass van - 75:1






Place ya bets!

Never Ever Eat Anything in Florida Ever

Blogs and news outlets are reporting on this ESPN report exposing unhealthy stadium concessions facilities. Philly looks to be fine, but you can't say so much about DC or ANYWHERE IN FLORIDA. Gross.

By the way, Madison Square Garden, there's no way in the world those are only "mouse excreta" in your food prep area. Thems rats!

Sex with Teammate's Wife = Page Views

According to (probably unfounded) rumors, Jayson Werth was/is having sex with Chase Utley's wife Jen. He's down with OPP, much more than he's down with OBP. And, according to our Google Analytics report, you nosey rascals are all about that shit. Maybe starting TMZ-like Philly Sports cele-blog isn't such a bad idea...

That Jeff Carter infidelity search is the cherry on top.

Look What I Found...

Whether you're a diehard and sufficiently brash Eagles fan or a dude named Dallas who loves birds and gettin laid, you've gotta appreciate this piece.  Stumbled upon this gorgeous artifact of 100% cotton while rifling through Dad's house. Might have a small bleach situation happening on the "F", but still a great find.

There's this cloudy memory I have of my father and I going to an Eagles game and him buying this in the parking lot. I've searched for a "Fuck Dallas" t-shirt vendor at every game since and haven't seen a single one. Anyone ever see a post-kelly green era version?

And I'm not talkin a "Dallas Sucks" shirt. You might as well pull up your panties and head back into the sanctuary with that wack-ass Cowboy fan level of hostility. I mean a shirt that says "Fuck Dallas."

Also...where is it acceptable to ever wear this t-shirt? You can't wear this to the supermarket...you'd be one of those people. If you've got any semblance of common courtesy, you can't really have this on in public at all. Even if I rocked this shit to a game, once I walked past a kid I'd feel compelled to censor the 'U' with my hand or somethin.

This is definitely one of those nervously-watching-a-playoff-game-in-your-basement 8 Miller Lites deep type of shirts. Yeah.  I can't wait.

Boo This Man!

This is the guy responsible for several awful calls in the USA/Slovenia match including a bullshit call-back of the 3rd goal winner for the US. He is Koman Coulibaly from Mali. He's the reason we tied instead of won. He stinks.

USA Head Coach Bob Bradley: "I still don't know why the goal was disallowed."

Neither do we, Bob. Did the U.S. do something evil to Mali at some point (besides probably turning some of its people in slaves several hundred years ago)? According to Wikipedia, "Mali’s relations with the West in general and with the United States in particular have improved significantly". What the French, Toast? We ain't cool?

Koman Coulibaly, go back to Mali, play your Kora, and eat a diet heavily based on cereal grains you Darryl Strawberry-headed snake!

Worst. Pants. Ever.

This is Donovan McNabb at his charity football camp. And he’s wearing manpris.

Come on DMac...you really sporting those in public? Were all your jorts in the laundry?

I mean seriously, somehow these things are tight and baggy all at the same time. The length is ridiculous and the strings are even worse. There’s even a bit of flare at the bottom.

And quad pockets? I see that you've hidden your dignity in the bottom-right one. Good call.

[photo via misterirrelevant.com]

Thiiis Can't Be Good for Our Reputation...

You may think this video is interesting because it's a baby drinking a beer at a Phillies game. I'm more focused on Charlton Heston chopping it up with Jim Johnson in the row behind him.

JJ Lives!

courtesy of Deadspin

UPDATE - Major League Baseball are nazis when it comes to free viewing of their video on the internets. I guess they want to keep all the drinking baby movies for themselves. Screengrab instead.

This Is Why No One Reads The Sporting News

I love statistics, lists, and rankings as much as the next guy, but holy shitballs - The Sporting News has no idea what they're writing about anymore.

Each year, they comprise a list of Major League Baseball's Top 50 players. These rankings are decided by a brain trust of 125 experts. I'm not sure what type of time vortex or bizarro world these "experts" are stuck in, but my God... this is probably the worst job of judging current talent I have ever seen.


Albert Pujols was chosen as their #1. Kind of hard to screw that one up. From there, the list goes to shit. Quickly.

Why so bad? Well here’s a few that jump right out at me: Jeter at #4 overall is just silly. Ichiro is in the top 10 and he somehow jumped up 22(!?!) spots from last year's list. Ryan Braun should probably be higher than 22. (He doesn't get as much national talk as he really deserves.) Chase Utley should be higher than 9... some would argue he's one of the 3 best in the league.

I'm not even going to try and rationalize how guys like Todd Helton, Derrek Lee, Bobby Abreu, Aaron Hill, Carlos Pena, and John friggin Lackey made the Top 50. What makes it worse are some of the guys they completely failed to mention. It makes my face hurt to see that guys like Ubaldo Jimenez, Joey Votto, and Nelson Cruz get no love.

The whole thing just makes no sense at all. Do these people even watch baseball? Considering they do this list EVERY year, you cannot assume they are taking into account past performances over the last decade or so. If you're doing a list like this every year, it damn well better be an accurate depiction of the CURRENT 50 best players.  You know, instead of a sad excuse for a baseball article where your rankings come off as intelligent as a Joe Morgan thought.

Anyway, you can check out the complete rankings HERE if you feel like getting pissed off.

Jackass of the Day Award: Jim Joyce

If you have ever made a terrible mistake, you'll certainly empathize with what Jim Joyce did tonight. Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was one out away from a perfect game when the fu manchu wearing dumbo Joyce decided to call Jason Donald safe.

Unacceptable.

Watch the replay. He wasn't safe and, honestly, it wasn't really that close. Now for those of you who might not understand why this is such an egregious error, you probably don't understand just how rare a perfect game is. There have been only 20 in the history of MLB baseball (including one by our own Roy Halladay last Saturday), a league that has been around since 1876. Needless to say, they don't happen every day. So for an umpire to call a runner safe on a close play, with a pitcher one out away FROM THE GREATEST INDIVIDUAL ACCOMPLISHMENT A PRO ATHLETE CAN HAVE, well, is just terrible. I know you gotta get the call right, but if the runner isn't obviously safe, don't you have to call him out just in case you might be wrong? I mean, nobody is gonna crucify an ump for a wrong call that allows a perfect game. Unfortunatley, common sense is something that is lost on Jim Joyce. I'm not even a Tigers fan and I'm upset.

I'm sure tonight Joyce will watch the replay, see he was wrong and try to contact Galarraga to apologize. I doubt Galarraga listens, and I don't blame him. Joyce cost a guy an opportunity at perfection and that is something no one would take lightly. My heart goes out to Armando. Especially since he isn't very good and will likely go right back to sucking next time out. Poor guy.

On another note, the best part of the whole thing is watching Miguel Cabrera verbally tear Joyce a new asshole after the missed call. I'll try to find a good clip of this to post, but it's classic. If I'm Detroit, I'm worried. This is exactly the kind of thing that can put a guy back on the wagon. And we all know Miggy loves the wagon.