Okay, so the Birds lost to the Joe Webb Vikings. Whatever. The Eagles are the #3 seed in the NFC regardless of what happens in week 17 and it's looking like they'll face the Green Bay Packers on January 9 in Philly for the first round of the playoffs. Not as ideal as a first round bye, but playoffs is playoffs and the cream always rises to the top. Unless you're the 14-point dog Vikings playing an away game in Philly with zero playoff chances quarterbacked by a run-first rookie. Dammit, I told myself I'd let it go....
So the Packers it is (probably). As our friends over at Bleeding Green Nation pointed out yesterday, there are some silver linings here. While our favorite hog slaughterer will sling passes to Riley Cooper and Chad Hall in a meaningless JV game against the Cowboys on Sunday, the starters' minds will be on the Packers. The same Green Bay team that survived the first unleashing of the Michael Vick Experience in week 1. No easy task.
You know most of the talk will be about Aaron Rodgers and his poise and his arm and his concussions, but at some point it becomes pointless. The Eagles have a wack-ass defense. They're 22nd in points allowed and give up more red zone scores than a horny chick on her period. The Packers are going to score. A lot. The key to this game will be how many cheap turnovers the Birds D can generate, and, more importantly, if the offense can actually play consistently good football.
No 4th quarter comebacks. No bullshit. I'm talking 4 straight quarters of DeSean Jackson out patterns, Jeremy Maclin crossing patterns, Shady McCoy screens, and Mike Vick fuck-this-play scrambles for 30 yards. If they can do that, they'll win.
Holy shitballs. These are horrifying. I can't fathom any situation where NFL.com has sold a single pair of these monstrosities. You just know they have a whole warehouse full of classic, uncomfortable, stonewash straight-legged denim just waiting to have the Eagles logo emblazoned across the ass cheeks.
Ladies, if you’re considering buying these for your man, you might as well save yourself $74.99 and just give the lucky fella a swift punch to the dick. That pain will at least be temporary. These jeans will haunt him forever in the form of humiliating jokes from his buddies.
BONUS:
NFL.com doesn't stop there. There's a way that you too can walk all over the Cowboys this year!
Have an annoying and illogical Dallas Cowboy fan in your life? Search for their Christmas gift no longer! After losing to the Saints on Thanksgiving, the Cowboys are officially guaranteed of a non-winning season. They're at the cellar of the NFC East and have rolled over and been trampled by nearly 75% of their competition this year.
NFL.com is also selling team "rugs" as part of their Black Friday holiday sale. Now, let's not kid ourselves folks – I know a doormat when I see one. It only becomes confirmed when you stamp the Cowboys logo on it and proceed to use it for wiping dog doo doo off your sneakers. Could there be a more appropriate gift??
In all seriousness: This thing comes with a price tag of $79.99. Regardless of the team you choose or whether you’re using it as a legit area rug or gag gift - who in the hell is spending that kind of scratch on a rug doormat? There has to be something in life you actually need that you could spend that money on. Or how about charity? No? NFL doormat? Okay then.
I know we're all still depressed from a weekend of awful, but hey I've got a little good news for all of us: The Dallas Cowboys' season is over in October. Think about that for a second, they are 1-5. Tony Romo is hurt. BlueStarShockTrooper is still very much into penis (or onto penis, one or the other). Life isn't good right now for us Philadelphia fans, but this does make it a little better.
The fact of the matter is that the Cowboys had this coming. They are a team of douchebags, it's like Dez Bryant instantly quadrupled in douche-ness the second he was drafted. They gloat, talk trash and act like they've accomplished something in the past 15 years. No matter how intoxicating Miles Austin's eyes may be, it doesn't change the fact that the Cowboys deserve to lose. They just do. (Plus, it was only a matter of time before Wade Phillips utter inability to be a head coach reared it's ugly head.)
Anyway, let's all just be happy the Cowboys suck. We can all find a little bit of solace in that.
(Oh and check out this list from Bleacher Report. I know that site sucks, but still, this list is so awful I don't even know when to start.)
The infamous BlueStarShockTrooper went and responded to our little blog post! How bout that - who would've guessed this Husky McTittyballs would've had the time in between Hot Pockets and Cool Ranch Doritos to fire off another video?
Typically, I'm not one for back and forth banter, but since we're gentlemen, I suppose we do owe him the courtesy of a response. So Mr. ShockTrooper - switch to your favorite pair of stunner knockoff Oakley's, release the fistful of Chunky wrappers from the grasp of your sausage link fingers, and let’s get this over with.
When we last left this zilch, he was wandering aimlessly through the streets of his neighborhood yelling into a Handicam about how bad the Philadelphia Eagles will be. Lo, he was not hit by traffic. However, the good news is that he seems to have gotten larger since the last time we saw him (is there a baby BlueStarShockTrooper on the way??).
While he appears to be of an indeterminate age, I'm going to go out on a limb and say he grew up in the 90's. I've come to learn that Cowboys fans of that generation harp on decades of "storied history" or immediately blurt, "how many Super Bowls have you guys won?" as their go-to basis of an argument. I'm going to take a wild guess that some of his other favorites include the Bulls, Yankees, Red Wings, Miami Hurricanes, 90's Tiger Woods, Pete Sampras, and The Harlem Globetrotters. I know it may be hard to accept change for someone whose computer looks like something Doogie Howser typed his diary into (see: background of video), but the front-running thing is tired and old. You really could do much better by trying to justify the team that's actually playing on the field in present day. Keep the Delorean in the garage, Chins.
At least in this video he took the time to learn that the ‘l’ in Kolb is silent. So I give him his due props there. But I have to stop him when he claims that his points are backed up ‘facts’. Jon Kitna is better than Kolb because he’s older and can function under pressure? Are ya sure about that? You do know that Jon Kitna threw 42 interceptions in his last 2 full seasons as a starter in the NFL, right?
And let’s dispel the whole “Kitna has a higher QB rating than Kolb” thing. Let’s put aside the fact that you even bringing this up is retarded since there’s such a small sample size to work with. Kevin Kolb has only started two games in his career. His ratings in those games were 73.2 and 120.6 respectively. Kitna’s ratings after his first two career starts were 72.2 and 91.6. So by your logic, Kolb will actually be superior.
In summation, Emmitt Smith cannot read beyond a 3rd grade level, Michael Irvin stabs people in the neck with scissors, and it took the Cowboys over a decade to get a playoff win. But hey, at least your breasts look nice and busty in that jersey!
Like all Cowboys fans, I’m sure you want the last word as much as you want the last french fry. You’ll probably fire up the old webcam and bash Philly some more, and have at it. Everybody needs a hobby.
Oh, and don’t forget - your coach is still Wade Phillips. So you’re fucked.
ALSO, this whole ordeal has opened us up to the phenomenon of Trash Talk Circle(s), which apparently are (popular?) communities of people on various sports sites and YouTube who just yell at one another about the greatness of their favorite team while disparaging everyone else. One user, RipperEagle96, sent us a an example video (which we will not post but I'm sure you can easily find) a couple of days back. This whole Trash Talk Circle thing is scary, sad, and new to me, and thus will require more research and hatorade on the part of TheWizWit. We'll let you know what we find. Stay tuned.
Wow, this shit is sadder than Big Fan. The above man-boy, known only to us as BlueStarShockTrooper, has some choice words for Philadelphia Eagles fans. There's no reason to get angered by his accusations, let alone waste time responding to them. When someone is claiming that your QB is worse than Jon Kitna, I kind of shut my ears off. To me, it's funnier to just let fatty here simmer in his own pathetic worthlessness. Look at the anger in those chins!
If Jack Nicholson and Lewis Black had a child, and that spawn mated with the Crying Giants Fan, you'd have ol’ ShockTrooper here. He has a couple other Eagle bashing videos on YouTube if you want more of him to laugh at. In THIS ONE, he adds some crusty facial hair that really just looks like he tried wiping his ass with his chin.
This post is also featured on CrossingBroad.com. Check those guys out - funny stuff and they do some real good work.
Whether you're a diehard and sufficiently brash Eagles fan or a dude named Dallas who loves birds and gettin laid, you've gotta appreciate this piece. Stumbled upon this gorgeous artifact of 100% cotton while rifling through Dad's house. Might have a small bleach situation happening on the "F", but still a great find.
There's this cloudy memory I have of my father and I going to an Eagles game and him buying this in the parking lot. I've searched for a "Fuck Dallas" t-shirt vendor at every game since and haven't seen a single one. Anyone ever see a post-kelly green era version?
And I'm not talkin a "Dallas Sucks" shirt. You might as well pull up your panties and head back into the sanctuary with that wack-ass Cowboy fan level of hostility. I mean a shirt that says "Fuck Dallas."
Also...where is it acceptable to ever wear this t-shirt? You can't wear this to the supermarket...you'd be one of those people. If you've got any semblance of common courtesy, you can't really have this on in public at all. Even if I rocked this shit to a game, once I walked past a kid I'd feel compelled to censor the 'U' with my hand or somethin.
This is definitely one of those nervously-watching-a-playoff-game-in-your-basement 8 Miller Lites deep type of shirts. Yeah. I can't wait.
