The Girl in the Mirror

As I sit here at my desk going through many of my old journal entries, poems and letters to God.

I am so amazed. The girl in the mirror has not changed a whole lot, but the girl inside has changed tremendously!

At 17, I wrote, "I know that there is someone out there for everyone, including me. It might take a little longer than I hope for, or a few more heartaches than I want, but I am sure in the end it will be worth it. Maybe it's not right to give up, maybe it's just best if I move on."

I continued to read the things I wrote at 21, 24, 28, and 31…

There was a trend. I was always talking about a struggle, but I ended my journals with a bit of positivity about the future. I always remained hopeful.  

My journal entries were about many different things that I was experiencing at those times in my life. I wrote about social issues and things that concerned my relationships with friends and family. I often wrote about my faith or whatever personal battle I was facing. I also wrote about small miracles that affected my life. However, the majority of my paperwork was written about love. Ah! Such a hopeless romantic, I was. Although, if you know me, you know that I still am.

I love, love.

I still find myself lost in thought. Lost in the beauty of what is and the beauty that could be. The beauty of life that is.

I am always thinking about the future and what tomorrow may bring. Like the girl in those journal entries, I remain hopeful. Although these days, the difference that I see when I compare the two is that I am not lacking when it comes to appreciating what I have at this very moment.

In my younger years, I did.

Luckily, I have been able to break free from those habits. From the outlook that kept me searching for happiness and looking for how things could improve. They were holding me back from appreciating all of the wonderful things that I had in my life at that time.

I was so focused on the problems that I was experiencing, instead of looking for all of the things that were good, and I missed some of the beautiful moments. 

It took one life changing experience to move me.

It taught me to look inside myself a little more, to be the kind of person that God desires me to be.

Now, my life is good.

Not that things are perfect, nor will every day be hunky dory and full of glory,

but they are good, because happiness is a choice.

As I continued reading I found this entry that I wrote last year, at 33, "There will be many times that we will feel weak and in need of a hero, but whether we have found ourselves an earthly hero or not, we must always remember that we already have a heavenly one! One who has promised us many things."

I realized that “that girl” finally found what she was searching for.

 I never had a problem loving myself, but I was always searching for someone that would love “the me” that I loved. 

I finally realized that there was already someone out there who loved me, as much as, if not more than I could ever love myself. God loved me and He had already given me so many gifts. Gifts that I was neglecting to see.

Because of His love, I was finally able to stop searching for "happiness".

I have many interests and plenty of dreams and goals for myself. I will never stop trying new things, or lose my “hope” that great things can happen.

But He has taught me that while it is okay to be excited about what my future may hold, I must never lose sight of what great things my present contains!

20 years from now when I am looking back at how the girl in the mirror has changed, I hope that my appreciation for the Lord's blessings is something that will remain the same.

16: (3 ways I witnessed happiness)-my kids were on vacation & I enjoyed our time, bible study was beautiful, laying in bed face to face talking to my hubby about our day

17: (1 gift that made me laugh/pray/quiet)-found a craft to do with my girls, something i felt disappointed about turned out okay in the end, a busy day full of fun and loved one's that made me tired

18: (gifts from God)- our girls made honor roll & principals lists again and I am blessed with healthy, smart girls

19: (a grace in the kitchen/weather/that might have never been) the bible on my counter, nice weather permitting me to go on walks, a new friendship

20: (3 gifts you saw close up) my grandmother's smile, my daughter's excitement, truth in "her" actions

21: (1 thing in the sky/memory/ugly) the video my hubby sent me of our proposal, meeting him for the first time, thoughts of what I wish I could have done differently with her, but the growth that resulted from it

22: (1 grace wrinkled/smoothed/unfolded) the lines around "his" eyes that reminds me how hard he works, the cream on my bathroom counter, the clothes my SS forgot in the dryer that I folded for him

Seeking to Please & Pleasing to Seek

I second-guess myself.

Often.

Some people expect a lot from others.

(I do, at times.)

But mostly,

I expect a lot from ME.

I can be tough on myself.

I worry about pleasing everyone.

I want to make ‘their’ loads a little lighter.

‘Their’ lives a little brighter.

I want to be good enough for 'them.'

So many times, I have to remind myself to just let go.

Be ME.

Do what makes me happy.

Because more than likely,

who I am,

is making others happy.

But

 if ‘they’ are not happy,

that is okay too.

I am here to love many.

If they love me back.

Great.

Lucky me.

Lucky them.

But the truth is,

I am only here to ‘please’ one.

The Lord.

I need to stop seeking ‘my’ definition of perfection

and continue to seek Him.

I know this.

Many times when I am questioning something,

feeling a little confused and insecure,

or seeking clarity,

He sends me reminders.

I am doing okay.

He loves me.

Two verses that stood out to me this week,

just when I needed to read them….

Titus 2:3-5

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live…

They can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands…

Matthew 5:16

In the same way, let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father, which is in Heaven.

It never fails.

When I am in need of a little peace

or reassurance, I find it 

in Him.

Project 31: My Virtue, My Focus

 

Today is day 9 and I am asked:

What virtues do you value in yourself?

....

As I took a moment to think about this question,

I found myself feeling a little insecure. I was tempted to not post for this day. Why?

Because the post is all about liking...me.

Yesterday was about me. Days 2, 4, 6 and 8 were all about me, and now I have to write about me again?

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it.

Isn't talking about myself this frequently a little

narcissistic and boring?

I have those people in my life that have no problem talking about themselves, but they are interesting.

I'm...just...me. 

It is easy for me to talk about things that I find inspirational! To share the things that God has placed into my heart. To share the blessings that I have in my life. It is easy to write about my children, my husband, and projects that I am working on at the house.

But to post about what I like about myself?!

That is insanity, scary, hard! 

In fact, I skipped Day 6 because the world's definition of beauty has jaded me and I sometimes don't feel good enough. 

It is easier not to talk about the wrong, and so, I did what I always (well almost) always do. I eliminated the negative, the hard stuff, and I focused on the positive.

And I realized, THAT is what I like about me.

I like that I focus on the good stuff. I like that even when I have problems with family, finances, children, and health, I focus on what is positive.

I am not saying that I do not have sad moments. I am not saying that I do not try to "fix" certain issues, but no matter what happens, I always move on, I always get over it, and I always forgive.

I know that this life has too much happiness available to focus on the hurts. 

Everything that I had gone through in my previous marriage is the past. Occasionally something will come up and I am like oh my goodness, I dealt with that! But ya know what? I forgot all about it, because I chose to let it go and forgive. 

The things that come up in my current marriage can be difficult some days. I could blog about all the issues that arise with blended families and all of the outside factors that affect us, and friends, sometimes I am tempted to, but I don't! I just pray about it, look at things from another's perspective and focus on the good.

Sometimes, I get to a point where I feel like I have done all I can do, and I say, "I'm done, that's all. No more."

BUT

In my heart, I know I am not.  

I am full of compassion, empathy and forgiveness. I care too much to quit.

It is my strength and my weakness. I know it is. According to my hubby, it means I sometimes allow people to walk all over me. It means that sometimes, I excuse poor behavior from others. It means that sometimes I spoil our children.

I have thought about this many times and I have come to a conclusion,  

I would rather be giving away too much love and forgiveness, than not enough.

I focus on the good stuff.

That is what I value about me.

 

 

P.S. Only 2 more days until my giveaway,  Click Here

Project 31: Be-YOU-tiful

Today is Day 8 for Project 31:

Day 8.  Have a beauty secret (e.g. hair tip, make up tip)?  Share, please!

I have mentioned in the past that I like all things girly (and artsy). I love loud colors with black, A-line dresses, chunky earrings, and shoes that have some flair. My face makeup is pretty minimal, but I usually play up my eyes. They are my favorite feature and have become my focal point. (That's a beauty tip I learned, after my sis-in-law Nancy kept encouraging it.)

I believe in silliness, without it life would be pretty dull. I have been told for years that my laugh is loud and that everyone knows when I am home, because they hear me laughing. A while back my stepdaughter gave me card that said I always have a smile on my face. I don't know about "always" but it felt good to hear, because I try to be happy even on the "gray" days. I know that my my expression, is the most important thing I wear!

I try to get "pretty" every day, even on the weekdays when I am just home cleaning house and doing laundry, I'll add lip gloss and a spray of perfume before my hubby gets home. When I look good, I feel good. I try to keep the romance alive in our relationship and I feel like a beauty routine even on the days that nothing is going on is important.

True beauty is confidence! It's loving the skin that you are in...no matter what people think. I snapped this pic yesterday (after my hubby teased me about my hair.) This is me, with my hair natural. It's a little wavy, but mostly frizzy. I'm working on loving me for me and the 'not caring part', because natural is beautiful and so much easier! 

• Another, part of my beauty routine is being in a clean environment. I cannot relax or enjoy myself in a dusty, cluttered living space. The only thing in the house that I will allow to have stuff pile up on, occasionally, is our desks. I like a clean house with a fresh smell. It makes no sense to clean and decorate my body, and then to live in a dirty house. That friends, is my opinion of a "don't".

Last but not at all least, is the old adage, "True beauty comes from within. It's an oldie, but a goody! If you aren't beautiful on the inside, ain't no makeup gonna cover that! I Peter 3:3-4 says, Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 

Any thoughts on beauty that you would like to share? As always, I'd love to hear them!

 

 

Project 31 - A Letter to YOU

Today I am writing a letter to

YOU

To the one who has been hurt

The one who is feeling

inadequate, incapable, fearful, and alone

The one who may feel like you are barely holding on

That nothing is as it seems

That your world is crashing down around you

I am writing to remind you

YOU are strong

Happiness is within your grasp

Hope is all you need

Just to Believe in Yourself

(1 Corinthians 1:24)

I promise that if you believe, everything else will follow

The ones that matter already believe in you

SO

Believe...

That you are loveable

That you are worthy

That you deserve the best

Know...

That you have a purpose

And that He has a plan

(Proverbs 16:9)

Ask...

Ask for what you want

Ask for what you think you need

(Matthew 7:7)

Trust...

Trust that His plans for you will be simply amazing!

You have a great big life ahead of you

Much to live for

Much to see

Much to enjoy

And happiness is just waiting for you to find it!

A big chunk of happiness is waiting for you

To scoop it up and put it in your cup!

He promises that your cup will overflow! 

You will get there...

~To that place~

Where nothing can shake your faith,

Because true contentment has found you

And the knowledge that even on the toughest days,

He is standing next to you!

(Deuteronomy 31:6)

You will understand that sometimes you will make choices that hurt you

And sometimes others will make choices that hurt you

And your life will change

But you will be okay

Because you have endured!

That life goes on!

That even with your faith,

You are going to have moments of weakness

And in those moments of weakness

You will find yourself weary, hurt and uncertain 

But that those moments pass

And one day,

You will look back on those moments of weakness

And realize just how small those moments were

And just how big YOU are!

(Philippians 4:13)

Keep Stepping (A Poem about Moving On)

I wish I could take your pain away,

I wish I could tell you that she (or he),

Is not worth another second of your time,

A good spouse, a good partner, a good friend,

Doesn’t do that to someone they love,
A person of strong character, sound mind, and a healthy spirit,
Doesn’t do that to anyone,

Anyone can promise to love you,
But only the worthy, know how,
To truly care for another person,
They know, that a person’s heart,
Is a special treasure.
That they have received,
And they value it,
They know that commitment should not be taken lightly,
And another’s feelings should never be disregarded,
They know that while words matter, actions matter more,
They know that no one is perfect,
Yet, still they strive to be perfect,
For you,
Because they love you,
Because they love, that you love them,

As your heart begins to heal,
You will make your way back out into the world,
You will meet some,
You will meet few,
You will meet many,
Each story is different,
But no matter who or how many you meet,
Just know, that you will want to rush it,
You will miss the comfort of another’s arms,
You will want to hold someone again,
And to be held,
But when you feel yourself falling, you will stop yourself,
Because you will remember the pain,
The loss,
The emptiness,

You will meet one that you like, one that likes you, and one that you could love,
You will meet one that needs your love, one that does not know how to love,
and one that loves too freely,
But you will take your time,
You will listen to their hearts and to yours,
You will hear what they say and pay close attention to what they do,
You will ask about their life before you, because it affects their life with you,
You will find out what and who they value,
And you will hear about the love that they lost,
You will listen closely, because history sometimes repeats itself,
But you, having experienced this pain,
Will not let your history happen again,

You will be careful and wait for someone who is worthy,
You will know who uses your love,
Only for what they can gain from it,
You will know that she who does not even love herself,
Cannot love you back,
You will not settle for an okay love,
Because this time you seek the one,
The one that will learn all about your heart,
And how to take care of it,
This person will sometimes make mistakes,
As do you,
But their mistakes will not be deep,
They will not cause hurts that damage your spirit,
They will not carve away at the trust,
They will be shallow, everyday mistakes,
That do not hurt much,
Still that person will be apologetic,
Because that person,
That worthy person,
Will love you so much that they cannot bear to see you hurt
Even a little,

But, even without having found, that person,
You will still find yourself happy,
You will love yourself,
Delight in the alone time,
You will enjoy the quiet in the house,
Your thoughts will amuse you,
Your ideas will inspire you,
Your memories will no longer haunt you,
You will benefit from conversations with friends,
Books, movies and music will be pleasant, because you choose them,
Bible verses will take on a new meaning and will speak to your soul,
You will eat when you want, sleep when you want,
And laugh at the things that you find humorous,
You will learn more about yourself,
Things that you had forgotten,
Things from your past that you used to like so much,
You will fall back in love with you,
All that you are,
And all that you have to offer,

You will be happy again,
At times, you will remember your past,
And as you think of the love of your past,
You will remember the hurt,
And how it felt like nothing else in the world mattered,
And how no one would ever compare to that person,
But this time you will smile,
Because you will know that it was not true,
It was not true then,
And it is not true now,

Life can get blurry,
Love can be obscure,
Our destiny, unknown,
But our future is in our hands,
And our life is what we make of it,
But when we are so wrapped up in what we want,
We cannot see what we need,
And when we focus on what we do not have,
We forget to be grateful for the things that we do,
So remember as much as you want love,
Do not rush it,
Do not hurry it,
And definitely do not wait on it,

Live your life,
Love your life,
And embrace the now,
Value the blessings,
Be appreciative for change,
Be thankful for your broken heart,
Because to feel is to live,
To live is to learn,
To learn is to grow,
And soon, you will grow into the person that God desires you to be,

Each day that you wake,
Each tear that you cry,
Leads you one step closer to your happiness,

So keep stepping…