Marriage Mondays: Keeping Score

Even when my husband is having a tough day,

one would rarely be able to notice,

because of the way he treats me.

He kisses me good morning and good night.

He hugs me hello and good-bye.

He thanks me, and compliments me throughout the day.

 

 

I did not ask for it.

I did not expect it.

In fact, I didn't even know this much kindness

in a relationship was possible.


He has taught me so much!

 

 

When I think of the way he loves me, I feel a little guilty.

I haven't really done much to deserve all of this sweet treatment.

However, I fully accept it!

 

 

He loves me more than enough,

and I am constantly attempting to make him feel just as loved.

I believe that this is the perfect example of when
"Keeping Score"

in a relationship is healthy.

 

 

Keeping score should not be about women and men keeping track of whether their partners “work” as hard as they do.


We all need to know that our partners are just as dedicated to making the relationship work, but when one spouse is overly concerned with making sure that the workload is distributed equally between the two, it gives that person less time to worry about the love and consideration that he or she is giving to the other spouse.

 

 

Men and women who are worried about “fairness” in their relationships, can tend to put little to no value on what their spouses contribute to the marriage. 

 

 

Keeping score should be about women and men loving their partners to their fullest abilities.

 

 

If we are going to keep a mental checklist, let it be of all the wonderful things that our spouses do for us so that we will to be more considerate and loving towards them.

 

 

The kind of relationship where a couple is less worried about what “you can do for me” and is more concerned with “what I can do for you” thrives beautifully!

My husband and I don't rotate responsibilities.

Saying prayer with the kids, doing the dishes, washing the laundry, getting up with the children, keeping the pantry stocked…are things that I would do regardless of whether I worked outside of the home or not.

I do these things because I take pride in my role as the woman of the home.

 

 

My husband did not “expect” these things of me in the beginning of our relationship, but he was always certain to tell me how much he “appreciated” what I did, and his loving affirmations worked.

 

 

While I have always had these expectations of myself,
because I know that God expects us to be “diligent and fruitful,”
I now do it even happier,
because I have a husband who often shows appreciation for the things that I do.

 

 

I am constantly reminding myself to thank him for the things that he does,

because I know that I am lucky to have him here to help.

 

 

So today's challenge is to...

Think of a few things that our husband (or wife) does to make our lives a little easier 

and send him a text thanking him! 

Marriage Maintenance

A few days ago as I was sitting in the school’s parking lot our truck suddenly started shaking and the check engine light came on. I quickly dropped the kids off and headed home to tell my husband what was happening.

It was a short distance, but it felt like forever. The car felt like it was stalling and even though I was pushing on the gas pedal it was driving slower than usual. 

It is a funny thing about those vehicles, when they need attention, they need attention. However, it is not an occasional thing. Vehicles need constant maintenance. It turned out that a part had gone bad and it needed to be replaced. Without that specific part, that one component, our truck would stop working altogether.

When we keep up with the simple things like oil changes, tire rotations and even putting gas in the car, we help to prevent much bigger issues later, like blowing a head gasket, a tire, or running out of fuel on the highway!

Marriages require constant maintenance too.

Maintenance: actions performed to keep a machine or system functioning or in service

Communication, working together, doing kind things for each other, being honest and considerate in all circumstances helps keep the marriage working properly.

Different components are needed in a relationship to ensure that it is running “smoothly,” and if we neglect the routine maintenance, those components will suffer because of it.

Respect, love, compassion, commitment, romance, Christ…

Our marriages require these.

My husband and I have not had much time for each other, since both of the girls have been sick. The kids have needed most of our attention and even in the evening when we usually wind down together, we had not been able to. Our little sickies had us sleeping apart the last few nights.

Because of this and few other things going on at home, we have been tired, stressed and little irritable.

Yesterday, while the vehicle was at the dealership getting work done, my husband worked from home. When I got back from the field trip, I drove him to the dealership to pick up the truck. On the way back, as I was following behind him he kept looking in his driver side mirror acting like he was a stranger flirting with me.

He raised his eyebrows, put his hand to his ear, and acted as if he was telling me to call him. I have had him do this to me dozens of times, but it never gets old. He makes me laugh and I love that he flirts with me and takes the time to romance me.

A little romance was definitely needed after the week we have had. Although, a little romance is always needed and appreciated!

After we had gone to bed, I heard a knock on the door, and I laid there for a minute. I had started feeling a little sick a few hours before and did not want to get out of bed. It was the 6th night in a row that our sleep was interrupted because the girls woke up not feeling well, and to be honest, I was completely exhausted.

After a second knock, my husband did not budge. I know he hears it, because the brat groans a little when his sleep is disturbed. So, I got up anyway. I am always the one to get up and tend to the kids in the middle of the night.

Respect.

It is maintenance. I choose to be respectful of the fact that he has to get up earlier than us and head to work. He has a tough job and he needs sleep and a clear head to do what he does during the day.

There are marriages where the women feel they “make their men carry their weight” by asking him to wake up and care for the kids at night, because they are up with them all day. There are also other families where both the mother and the father work outside of the home and so the parents take turns.

We each do what works for us. However, even when I was working full-time I didn't take that route. I've always considered homemaking as my job and caring for the children as part of that. 

When Jocelyn was a baby, I would wake up with her and carry her to the rocker in the living room to soothe her to sleep so that my husband could get enough rest for work.

These days I do the same thing. When the kids wake, I wake with them. He could. I could nudge him and say ‘hey, I haven’t had a full nights rest in a week and I could use it’, and I am sure he would help, but I choose not to. He works out of the home and I work in the home, and I feel this comes with the territory. 

After reading a post on The 5 C's of a Successful Marriage, I was reminded that Compassion is one of the components needed in a marriage. It reminded me of something else I have recently started doing for my husband, and I must say, I am very proud of myself, because I really do not enjoy it at all! I have started ironing my husband’s work clothes before I hang them up. I have never done that. I wash, fold, and hang, but I used to only iron before I was about to wear something.

However, my husband really dislikes ironing before he heads out to work. So I have decided to save him some time and iron the pants and shirts that come out of the drier wrinkly for him before I hang them up. I feel good about it too, because I am doing a little something to make the man I love's life a little easier. It is a gift.

I believe that the role that the woman plays in the marriage is so important and that even the smallest, most mundane task, matters.

It may sound a little old fashioned, but I am okay with that!

Our marriage takes priority and we both do our part in this marriage. My husband does so much for our family and so these are a few of the small things that I do for ‘us.’ 

Marriage is a give and take. It is a “system” that needs routine maintenance to keep it in good shape and I am happy to do my part.

This post will be linked with Marriage Mondays.

Also, one of my previous posts,  Unexpected Tears  can also be

found at  My Crazy Adoption today!  

...Your Kindness May Ease the Journey

Yesterday, as I was catching up on a few of my favorite blogs. Julie at Come Have a Peace gave a list of things that we could do for others and I absolutely loved it.

I am a big fan of KINDNESS.

I am inspired by the people that put others before themselves and whose first instinct is to love.

Yesterday, as I headed to my Aunt’s house to pick my Grandma, I was reminded of how considerate my family is each other.

Thursday is a day that my Aunt has a few hours off. Not that she does not have a million and one other things to do, but during the time that I have my Grandma, my Aunt has a few hours to do the things that she normally cannot do, because she is busy caring for my Grandma with dementia.

However, when I walked in I saw that my Aunt had a house full of grandchildren. She had five toddlers who were too young to go to school, and she was planning to pick her older grandchildren up from school later. She could have taken this time to do something for herself and yet, instead, she surprised her daughter with a hair appointment and planned to babysit.

She puts her mother, her husband and her children first, she always has and now I see her children doing the same thing. My cousins are always looking out for their parents and each other, and I am often impressed.

Most Thursdays, after I drop the kids off at school I drive to my Aunts to pick up Grandma and we go to my Mom’s house. Occasionally, I will drive Grandma to my house, but most days I go to my parents’ home.

I have to say that Thursdays are the highlight of my week! I always look forward to Thursday, because I get some quality time with people I adore. I usually visit with my Aunt and Grandma for a while in the morning and then my Grandma and I move on to my parents and spend a few hours with my Mom.

When I got to my parents this morning, I found my Mom cleaning up the yard with one of her grandbabies in tow. She told me that a few more of the kiddos were going to be dropped off later and that she planned to make a pot of spaghetti for us for lunch.

There were many other loving things that I noticed yesterday, my Dad doing something for my Mom, my Brother doing something for my Grandma, my Grandma doing something for my niece, but I think you get the gist…

I am around a whole lot of kindness, and kindness seems to be contagious!

It is easy to get distracted with life, to get lost in our own little world, to be a little selfish, to look out for ourselves, but fortunately, people like this are always there to remind us just how important it is to love others.

A little kindness goes a long way!

May your day be filled with kindness.

Words Hurt, Choose Wisely

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can break my heart. Maybe that is how the song should have gone. Words do hurt. We love ourselves; we think we are so great! When someone does not agree with us or says something that contradicts my opinion of ME, it hurts.

Loving ourselves is not always easy. We can be hard on ourselves.

Am I good enough?  Am I smart enough? Do I make my loved ones proud? Am I good wife, a good mom, a good cook? What could I be doing differently?  We question out intelligence, our looks, and our capabilities.

Our toughest critic will always be that voice in our head, but somehow, we manage to do it. We learn to accept our flaws and weaknesses, but more importantly, we learn to love our talents and strengths.

Then it happens, someone has to come along and say something that makes me question ME.

Usually, when an outsider gives us feedback or says something to us we can look at it as constructive criticism. We can continue a conversation with them and reevaluate our situation or ourselves but have you noticed that it is not always the case in marriage?

After being in a relationship, and spending so much time with the same person, we expect them to love us for us. So when they express something that they are not happy with about us, we sometimes get argumentative, angry and offended.

There are many times when my husband will tell me things that I do not like to hear, and even though I want to get mad (and stay mad,) I do not. I know that he needs to express his feelings and usually it is necessary, because sometimes I need a reality check! And yes, the same goes for him.

Sometimes things need to be said.

In order to have a healthy relationship, we need to be able to communicate our feelings. However, I have learned that sometimes it is not what we are communicating, but how we communicate it, that makes all the difference in the world!

We are with our spouse day in and day out. We get comfortable. Sometimes, we say things we do not mean, or perhaps we mean them but they should not be said at all. Sometimes we say things that need to be said, but we do it in a way that attacks or puts blame on the other person.

Instead of saying things like, “You never do anything that I like. You don’t spend enough time with me. You, you, you…) We should try saying, “Can we do something I like this weekend? I would like us to spend more time together. I feel overwhelmed lately, and would really appreciate more help around the house. I, I, I…)   

It is so important for us to think before we speak. We do not like when people talk to us critically, and so the best thing to do for our marriage is to lead by example. I try to think… if he said this to me would I be offended? Is this issue something that needs to be addressed or am I just grumpy because I did not get enough sleep?

If you feel you must say something, choose your words carefully and if you slip up and it ends up sounding rude or offensive, apologize. I can’t even tell you how many times I have said "I'm sorry" or sent my husband apologetic texts. Sometimes when dealing with parenting issues or other things, I get frustrated and let it affect my mood with him and later after I have thought about it, I apologize. There is no room in marriage for pride.

It is amazing how happy we are when there aren’t hundreds of little negative statements floating around the house and even happier when neither of us is holding a grudge. Communication is essential for a healthy marriage, but in order for the communication to be effective, let us choose our words with care.

Today, I am linking up with Julie at Marriage Mondays 

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“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits…” M. Gandhi

Be compassionate and courteous. Don't seek revenge… Speak kindly… Peter 3: 8-11

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:4-5).

The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid.  ~Author Unknown